August 2012

    Friday August August 31, 2012:

“Heimlich Harriet” By Rajeev Lunchbox Narayanan.

It’s because of this woman that I will now teach my employee the Heimlich maneuver. No. Not to perform on customers. But, to perform on me! I almost choked on my ham sandwich while witnessing this debacle (No Cass Elliot reference intended). I would have posted this earlier, but I wanted to come home and do a tiny bit of crude editing. So, turn your audio up. Sit back and relax. And pay particular attention to the hand gestures by my attendant. F’n priceless….

    Thursday August August 30, 2012:

So a regular customer of mine came in yesterday for a $15 fill. Same ‘ol story. I set the pump and walk in to swipe. Had $12 and change left. I go back to the gentleman and he says he will pay the 15 in all cash. He hands me the green, I void the debit card transaction, and go about my business.

10 minutes later he pulled back in. “I think you messed up. The money is not back in my account. See? I just checked it on my phone.”

Rajeev: “Sir, I’m definitely not out to cheat you. As you can see by this slip, I successfully voided your transaction. It usually takes up 24 hours to see it back in your account. If you don’t see it by tomorrow, come on by and we’ll work it out.”

A few minutes ago, this customer returns for another fill.

Rajeev: “Hey, did the money drop back into your account?”

Customer: “Oh who knows. I never looked. $10 please.”

Folks, meet your new Occupy Dumbass protester. Entitle what? Entitle who?

    Thursday August August 30, 2012:

Earlier this morning, a young lady came in and asked for $5 worth. Debit. I set the pump and proceed to walk in to swipe the card. No money in her account. Growing very tired of this shenanigan, I keep the nozzle in her car and sternly tell her that she can’t leave and she better call someone or I will call the cops.

Of course it was a risk, for she could have driven off with the nozzle and replacing that whole contraption would be a lot more than $5. But apparently this tactic worked.

10 minutes later, her Grandpa shows up. “Here’s my card. Now I KNOW there’s money in here. Put another $5 in for my crazy granddaughter. Kids these days. No sense of anything. Ridiculous.”

Raj – 1, Grandpa – 2, Customer – Big Fat 0.

    Thursday August August 30, 2012:

Logistical Nightmare Heaven. Love mornings like this….

    Wednesday August August 29, 2012:

This ‘lil guy was sulking ’cause I wouldn’t let him pump his own gas. I tried to explain to him that he’s in NJ and it’s a full service state. He didn’t want to hear it….

    Wednesday August August 29, 2012:

“$10 and make it quick! I’m running late. Don’t make me come down from here!”

    Tuesday August 28, 2012:

Speaking sleazy people (man, I’m just having a great day of segues aren’t I?!)….

Customer in a completely unnecessarily large SUV: “$20 cash. And make the receipt out to $50.”

Rajeev: “Sorry man I can’t do that.”

Customer: “Oh come dude, other stations have done it for me.”

Rajeev: “That’s too bad that other stations want to help you cheat your employer. A, I physically can’t alter the receipt. It’s a direct computer printout from the pump. B, even if I could, I still wouldn’t. I like to sleep at night.”

Customer drives off without saying anything.

Sad state of affairs….

    Tuesday August 28, 2012:

Speaking of Money Management Skills….

Customer asks for $20. Upon completion, he starts counting singles.

“Okay, here’s $10.” as he begins to count the back half.

Rajeev: “Sir, this is actually $11.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Well, here’s the rest.” I begin to count.

Rajeev: “Sir, this is $11 also.” I hand the gentleman back $2.

Now, if I was some sleazy business man, I would have kept the 2 bucks and sent this guy on his way. He would have never known. But, I’m an honest one so I returned his extra large coffee money. Oh, did I mention that he was on his cell phone the whole time?

Phone usage at a gas station really is proving to be detrimental to one’s well-being….

    Tuesday August 28, 2012:

Within the last 5 minutes, 3 cars pulled in. A BMW 5 Series, a Lexus GX SUV, and a Jeep Cherokee. All no more than 3 years old. Combined filled amount? $17. One of them paid me in coins thrown into a ziplock. One of them complained that my prices are too high. The last one whined that the government is not doing enough for him.

Does anyone else see the vast disconnect here?! Before pushing that entitlement pendulum, perhaps you should enroll in money management classes and/or reexamine your vehicle of choice? Sometimes, it really is hard to take their bitching seriously.

Ahh I love people watching….

    Tuesday August 28, 2012:

Dear 6:45am Douchebag: There’s absolutely nothing hardcore about filling up $3 of gas. You can wipe that arrogance off your face now. Oh. And it’s funny ’cause whenever you come in with your mommy, you do acknowledge my presence and say Hi. But, when you’re here with your “boys,” you’re all ‘Thug Life Forever.’ I weep for your future….

    Monday August 27, 2012:

Customer: “$4. Unleaded. Cash. And can you please put the cap back on before you put back the nozzle? I’m really in a hurry.”

Ummm. Wow. Where do I even begin? Well let’s see now. Your car is not an airplane, it will be a dark day in Hell before I accept credit card transactions less than $5, and that whole 2 seconds it takes to holster the nozzle? Yeah. I can see how that can be advantageous towards getting to your final destination on time.

Now I ‘would’ have said all of that, but this whole ordeal took a whopping negative 30 seconds. Next time folks, next time….

    Monday August 27, 2012:

“Caution! Driving While On Your Cell Phone Can Be Hazardous To Your Intelligence.”

Deep in conversation, a customer pulls up to the wrong side of the pump.

Rajeev: “Ma’am, you’re going to have to turn around.”
Customer: “Ugh. You mean the hose is not long enough to reach around?”
Rajeev: “No, unfortunately this is not Costco.”

I hear a “Oh forget it” as she pulls towards the exit. She then has a change of heart and pulls around. Still on the wrong side, she opens her trunk. I close it for her and approach the car.

Rajeev: “Ma’am, you’re still on the wrong side. You’re going to have to turn around.”
Customer: “Oh come on, you mean it’s not going to reach now either?”
Rajeev: “No ma’am. We’re still not Costco on this side of the pump.”

Customer drives around (again) and was about to park on the wrong side for the 3rd time when it finally dawned on her as to what to do. She pulls towards the left, coming within inches from hitting my parked car, and turns around. Finally, she has successfully situated herself.

Oh, did I mention that she remained on the cell phone gabbing away this whole time?!

Awesome. I heart my job.

    Monday August 27, 2012:

Customer: “$20 please.” –> Rajeev: “No problem.”

Customer: “Hey, are you sir Delta gas is any good? My car seems to be jumpy as you’re filling here.”

Rajeev: “Well, sir I’m afraid it’s your car then. I can assure you it’s quality gasoline. I’m not sure if you are aware of how it works, but there isn’t a Delta brand of fuel. In fact all independent stations pump you brand name gasoline. This week, you’re getting BP.”

Customer: “Really? That’s awesome. I usually go to BP gas stations, too. Nice.”

Totally made his day. And let this be a lesson to you all: Never underestimate the Brand X guys like me. We’re all the same. End PSA here –>.

    Saturday August 25, 2012:

Customer asks for $10 worth. After I fill, we find out that he has no money left in his account.

Customer: “Listen. I live just 3 blocks away. I will be right back, ok?”

Rajeev: “Definitely not okay. Nothing personal, but I’ve heard that a thousand times. Just 3 blocks huh? Good. You can leave your truck here and walk home to grab $10.”

Customer: “Are you serious?”

Rajeev: “Do I look like a funny man to you?”

Customer says nothing, parks his car in our lot, and begins walking.

Damn. I have to try this tactic more often. Rajeev – 1, Customer – 0.

    Saturday August 25, 2012:

“The Ignant Cut Through U-Turn Guy!” Gas Attendant Pet Peeve #….oh F it. I lost count already.

This dude and many other use this station quite frequently to change the position of their cars. And while I am not visible on camera, this citizen almost took out a piece of my left butt cheek as I was bending over to fill up a diesel can. Now while in theory that would be flippin’ hilarious, in reality that would have hurt like the Dickens.

Dear lead footed Mongoloids: Kindly SLOW DOWN as you enter and exit this establishment. Thank you. – Love, Rajeev.

    Friday August 24, 2012:

Well heeey now. Look who came to pay me a visit? My grandma ma, Mrs. Ramapriyan Corp herself. I tried to get her to pump some gas, but she said she would rather work the propane.

    Friday August 24, 2012:

“The Nuisance Parker.” Folks, there will most certainly be a chapter on Gas Attendant Pet Peeves when I pen my book in a few years. This atrocity definitely falls in the Top 5. What possible advantage do you have by not pulling up to the front? Let’s think logically for a second kids. If a car comes around and parks in front of you, you’re going to have to back that thang up. And we all know how much women around here love to maneuver their minivans and SUVs. If I do fill you right there and cars start piling in (which has happened multiple times), this place turns into a logistical war zone.

And holy shit if I politely ask them to move up and they have already turned off their cars, I get the biggest sigh and dirty looks you can imagine.

So I ask ya….Why do you people do this? Knock it off….

    Friday August 24, 2012:

I think I have magical superpowers. I walked into a cobweb about an hour ago as I was walking in between the pumps. I do this routine everyday of my life. You would think by now that I would learn and just knock the sucker down with my hand first. But anyways let me not digress. Never did see the spider drop down. Checked myself from head to toe. Nowhere to be found. For the past 60 minutes, I’ve been able to make myself itchy just by thinking it. It’s like some supernatural superhuman kinda shit. I think NatGeo might have to do a special on me….

    Thursday August 23, 2012:

Did I ever tell you how much I love thugs? Oh yeah I did. But, can I now tell you how much I adore female thugs?

Customer: “$10. Here’s the key.”

Rajeev: “Actually ma’am it was already unlocked.”

Customer: “Well, that’s fucken bullshit. I only come here to get gas. If someone pours shit down my tank are steals my gas, that shit can cost you know like $900. And sorry but you’re gonna have to pay for that.”

Trying to keep my cool: “Ah no ma’am it’s not my responsibility. My employee and I always make sure caps click a few times when we put them back on. Please let it go.”

Customer: “Oh whatever. Probably not coming here again. Dang.”

After the fill, I restore the gas cap, click it around a few times, then turned it to the left and it came off.

Rajeev: “You see ma’am, I easily got it off. It’s not us. It doesn’t lock.”

Customer: “Maybe I should take it back to AutoZone. That’s where I bought it.”

Rajeev: “Yeah maybe you should.”

Customer drives off. Hope I never see that #*#&*# again….

Sorry, I NEVER talk back at customers, but this one was being completely ridiculous.

    Wednesday August 22, 2012:

Why bring the gas cans to it when you can bring it to the gas cans? Innovation. Efficiency. That’s our core principles here. And we stand behind them. *I’m Rajeev Narayanan and I approve this message.*

    Tuesday August 21, 2012:

‎”I’d like $30, but I don’t know if I have it in my account. Can you run in and swipe my card first to see?” –> Can’t say that this gentleman has the most impeccable money management skills ever, but hey at least he was being honest….

    Tuesday August 21, 2012:

Dear F’n Scumbags Who Will Never Amount To Anything In Life: This is probably why.

You know folks, I’d like to think that I’m a fairly patient man. It takes a lot to truly get under my skin. However, this pathetic display can quite possibly put me over the edge one day. THE F’N GARBAGE CAN IS RIGHT THERE! How hard is it to merely drop it in?!

If you don’t treat other people and their businesses with respect, how do you ever expect anyone to love you back? So, you go on with your bad self. My guess is that you’ll wind up dead or in jail before you reach the age of 50. God I hope I’m right. – Love, Rajeev.

    Monday August 20, 2012:

‎”Big gas guzzling cars and trucks are not status symbols. You know what is? Food.” This PSA has been brought to you by your next fortune cookie: “Perhaps your life would get a bit easier if you downsized your vehicle?”

    Monday August 20, 2012:

Dear Female Customers of Mine: Unless you want me to fill your lap with gas, kindly refrain from lining up your face to the nozzle. Your gas tank is way past your door. If you need further assistance, please refer to the owner’s manual inside your glove box. Thank you. – Love, Rajeev.

    Monday August 20, 2012:

A regular customer of mine comes in about every 3 days and makes it a point to tell me the same thing each time: “I only need $10 please. The gas station near my office is so much cheaper.” Hmmm. I’m not exactly the brightest piece in a pocket full of kryptonite, but if she ‘keeps’ coming back to my station, she’s obviously not doing something right….

    Saturday August 18, 2012:

Potential customer walks in. “I have a 30 gallon propane tank. How would you figure out how much to charge me?”

Rajeev: “We would charge you per gallon sir.”

Potential Customer: “Really?! No fixed price? That’s so odd. I never heard of such a thing.”

Rajeev: “How would you like me to charge you, by the number of hamburgers I think a 30 gallon propane tank can make?!”

No. I didn’t really say that. I would have loved to, but I tend to turn off the sarcasm for folks over the age of 50.

But seriously. I buy propane by the gallon, why wouldn’t I charge per gallon then?!

    Friday August 17, 2012:

We here at the mighty fine Delta Gas Station would like to think that our exits are pretty clear. In fact, dare I say that it’s crystal clear as to where you should drive off. Well apparently I’m wrong. I can’t tell you the number of times folks just drive off the curb and completely bottom out. This young lady went off the curb (orange arrow) and dragged her muffler wee wee wee all the way home….

    Friday August 17, 2012:

Disgruntled Customer: “This is ridiculous. Gas is now cheaper in Virginia than here. I hope you’re not the owner.”

Rajeev: “No sir. But, I heard that gas stations don’t make more money when prices go up. In fact, they make less. You shouldn’t come down on these guys. They hurt along with all of us.”

Disgruntled Customer: “Really? I didn’t know that.”

Gotta stick up for my boy Rajeev. We can’t be having these false assumptions run rampant throughout the prairie….

    Thursday August 16, 2012:

Regular customer of mine pulls in and hands me this ziplock bag.

“My husband works for a shampoo company. Figured you could use this. Gotta run. See ya soon!”

Riiiiight. Folks, I’m not even going to point out the obvious here….

    Thursday August 16, 2012:

Customer driving a very nice very new Mustang convertible pulls in as I was on the ladder changing my prices. As I was stepping down to tend to him, I hear faintly “Oh fuck this. What bullshit.” I walk up to the gentleman.

“You know, this is fucken bullshit. I could have gotten gas for 8 cents cheaper on the highway. I should have done that. Unbelievable.”

Rajeev: “Sir, do you still want gas?”

Customer, in a very rude manner: “Yeah. Fill it up cash.”

Customer continues to mumble expletives under his breath.

Suddenly, I get startled by a clicking sound. I turn around. Could the car be filled already? Why yes Rajeev it has.

Total fill amount? $6 and change.

And the winner of “2012 Drama Queen Delta Award” goes to….

    Thursday August 16, 2012:

Gentleman in a van leaves the 7-Eleven, hops across the street, and pulls around the pumps.

Gentleman: “Do you have a bathroom here?
Rajeev: “No. Sorry.”
Gentleman: “How do you go then?”
Rajeev: “I don’t.”

He proceeds to give me a dirty look.

Gentleman: “Customers only?”
Rajeev: “Yes.”

Van speeds off rather hastily.

Now, I’m pretty sure that hunk of white lovin’ of a vehicle could have used a few drops of fuel. I once had a guy who wanted to use the bathroom, and once I told him it’s for customers only, he literally got $2 of gas and had the best urination experience ever.

That’s all it takes folks. You allow me to put liquid (gas) in your tank (fuel), I’ll allow you to put liquid (pee) in my tank (toilet).

My business. My rules. Don’t like it? Stop ordering the 7-Eleven Big Gulp during the 7am hour….

    Wednesday August 15, 2012:

Folks, I shit you not. I just can’t make this stuff up. Dude on a unibike wearing an umbrella hat just wizzed on by….

    Wednesday August 15, 2012:

“Crowded Brain?” By Rajeev Laxman Narayanan.

So, there I was. 8:40am. Eating my Cheerios. Happy as a 13 year old boy who just discovered that his bedroom door locks. All of a sudden, cars start piling in. 4 on the bay, 1 in line, 2 of which want their trucks and their gas cans filled. Multitasking Rajeever kicks in. 2 customers had fixed dollar amount credit card transactions. I ran in, swiped them both, and sprinted back out.

Rajeev: “Please sign the left one sir. I have your card and receipt right here.”

Customer gets ready to sign the right one as well.

Rajeev: “No sir. That is for the car behind you. The left one is yours.”

Customer then proceeds to grab the receipt on the right for his records.

Rajeev: “No sir. That is for the car behind you. I have your card and receipt right here.”

Customer: “I don’t get it.”

Rajeev: “Sir, both the receipts you see on the clipboard says Merchant on them. That’s me. I’m the sexy Merchant. You are the sexy customer and your receipt is in my hand.”

Customer: “Oh.”

Customer pulls away and a good laugh was had by all. Then I invited everyone in for tea and crumpets….

THE END.

    Tuesday August 14, 2012:

“Grandma Lovin” By Rajeev Laxman Narayanan.

Cute elderly lady and her friend pull in.

“Can you check the antifreeze? I just don’t want to the car to overheat. But, we don’t need gas, is that okay?”

Rajeev: “No problem ma’am. Happy to assist you.” — “Ma’am, you are okay, see? You don’t need any coolant.”

Customer: “Oh thank you so much. The last gas station I went to, they were trying to sell me all kinds of things, and they were kind of being rude about it. I didn’t know what to do. So, I thought I would stop in here. Thanks for being honest.”

Rajeev: “My pleasure.”

Both ladies were so grateful that her ‘and’ her friend gave me a $1 tip each.

This now concludes your lunchtime warm and fuzzy story….

    Tuesday August 14, 2012:

Oh Hi Boys & Girls. You want to know how to make your neighborly gas attendant jump for joy? Pull into the station while on your cell phone, and when the very courteous (and sexy) attendant greets you, put your hand up very rudely and say “Not now, in a minute.” Yeah. We like that sorta thing….

But, ya know what gets our loins going even more? Ignoring said obnoxious customer when she taps her horn signaling that her Highness is ready for a fill.

Instead, the very courteous (and sexy) attendant goes about his business, tending to oh I don’t know 2 or 3 more cars before finally coming back around.

I bet when this pretentious woman got home, she logged into Facebook and complained about Timeline….

    Tuesday August 14, 2012:

‎2012 South Toms River Spelling Bee Championship! Young Indian contestant Sambasiva Chilakaluripet is having trouble spelling ‘Karma.’

“Rajeev, can you use ‘karma’ in a sentence?”

“Certainly. Karma: Thug customer refusing to shut off his car, only to forget that he didn’t shut off his car, and upon filling completion cranks that ignition so flippin’ hard that he’s sure to have some sort of internal damage. Karma.”

    Monday August 13, 2012:

Dear Residents and Visitors of the Lovely State of New Jersey: When you go to a restaurant and your food arrives at the table, do you voluntarily get up and grab your food right off the tray? No, you do not. You patiently wait until the waiter/waitress serves your delicious meal. Please apply that same principle at your neighborhood gas station.

Car pulls in as I was tending to a customer. Taking matters into his own hands, he gets out does an eeny-meeny-miny-moe with the 3 buttons on the pump, and begins dispensing his own fuel. He wanted $10 cash. What he activated was the credit price function. At the end of $10 I asked for his card.

Customer: “I’m paying cash.”

Rajeev: “Oh okay, but you pressed the credit price button.”

Customer: “Then you need to pump me more gas.”

Rajeev: “I’d be happy to pump you more gas. But, you’ll have to pay for it.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous.”

Rajeev: “No sir. What’s ridiculous is that you took matters into your own hands in a state that has full service gas stations. I’m not going to have my books unbalanced at the end of the day for something I wasn’t responsible for. If you want, you can join me in the office and I’ll replay the surveillance footage of you getting out of your car and pressing the credit button.”

Customer says nothing, hands me $10 in cash, and drives away.

Rajeev 1, Impatient Customer 0.

    Monday August 13, 2012:

‎”It don’t matter if you’re Black or White.” – Michael Jackson.

White guy in a white car (go figure) drives in blasting rap music. A car with 2 Black guys pull in on the other side. White dude immediately shuts off his stereo. Once the 2 black guys leave, he immediately jacks up the music again.

Interesting dynamic. 2012. But, still a White man is afraid to listen to Black rap music in the presence of Black people. Huh….

    Saturday August 11, 2012:

Back up and running! 3 fuses needed to be replaced. 1 in each pump, and 1 on the underground tank computer. Could have been sooo much worse.

Technician:

“Here’s my cell number in case you have an emergency in the future. Please don’t give it out to anyone though. I have enough on my plate.

I have to be honest though. It’s a Saturday and I was in the middle of painting my basement. The only reason I came out is because you absolutely intrigued me. You are the FIRST gas station owner I’ve talked to on the phone whose name is Raj and had NO accent. I just had to come out and meet you.”

Awesome.

    Friday August 11, 2012:

Top 10 Fears of Being a Gas Station Owner, #4: “Involuntary Shutdown.” A minor power outage on this side of the road led to the blowing of a couple fuses here (I think. I hope). Nearly impossible to get a hold of a technician on a summer Saturday afternoon. Called everyone I knew in this business. Finally got one coming to the station within the next couple of hours. Had to cone off the entrances. So much lost revenue as I wave a big No to would-have-been customers driving in. As a first time business owner who relies on every car to pay the overhead, THIS.JUST.SUCKS.

On the bright side though, I got to eat my lunch without any interruption today.

Dear my Citgo buddy across the street: You’re welcome….

    Friday August 11, 2012:

If any member of the Jersey Shore cast emerges from this thing, I swear I’m sucking the gas out of the limo and kicking ’em all out….

    Friday August 11, 2012:

You know, the number of folks that pull up and ask for $7 worth is absolutely astonishing. I’d like to think it’s because they want approximately 2 gallons of gas. Which is somewhat reasonable I guess if you have an extremely fuel efficient car. But, just a little while ago, an SUV pulls in and asks for said dollar amount. Gas light is on mind you. After the doozy of a fill, he pulls out a huuuuuge wad of 20s. Where the hell are you going with 2 gallons of gas in that thing, a whole 30 miles tops? You have the cash big guy, live a little. Okay, I’m done.

    Friday August 10, 2012:

Here at Brooks Auto Repair and the Delta, we not only fix your cars and fill your tanks. We also offer you a free concert. But, only for our most exclusive customers. Joey’s face when he realized I walked in on him? Priceless….

    Thursday August 9, 2012:

Indian customer pulls in. “$20 please. Wait, how much is it for credit?” –> Rajeev: “10 cents more sir.” –> Customer, with a little bit of a chuckle to him, “You guys. Always trying to pull a fast one.” Well damn skippy. Isn’t that the pot calling the kettle brown?!

    Thursday August 9, 2012:

That really uncomfortable feeling when a car with jet black tinted windows pulls up, and you’re standing next to the driver’s door and yet that window is just not coming down…3 seconds go by….6 seconds go by….9 seconds go by. —> That ‘relieved’ feeling when that window finally drops and it’s just a pleasant looking blond fumbling through her purse looking for money….

    Wednesday August 8, 2012:

Sometimes, I really do look forward to seeing certain customers again. This gentleman is a regular diesel client of mine. We run the gamut with our conversations. Music, religion, ethics, etc. Today we were talking about the subtle prejudice and racism I experience being a gas attendant.

Gentleman: “The next time one of these racist clowns come in here with their nose in the air, tell them to hold out their palm. Then you put your hand next to theirs. Tell them it’s pretty much the same color. And then walk away with ‘your’ nose in the air.”

Awesome….

    Wednesday August 8, 2012:

Up until this morning, I never thought something like this would be an issue. After all, it’s an outdoorsy kinda business, right?! Well, around 8:30am, customer pulls in. Without any bit of exaggeration, he and his car had the WORST case of body odor I have EVER had the pleasure of dealing with. It was so bad, I had to completely walk away from his car and pretend I was doing something else around the station as his car filled up. It was so bad, after he left, I grabbed the Lysol and sprayed the air! Yes. It was just that bad.

Ladies and gentleman, I ask you — Why do people walk out of the house like that?

    Wednesday August 8, 2012:

Dear Crude Oil Prices: How ’bout YOU come and deal with my angry customers and see how awesome it feels?! – Love, Rajeev.

    Tuesday August 7, 2012:

Dear Customers: While I am known to enjoy a mild jog or two, please refrain from driving away as I attempt to give you the receipt that you requested. Just sticking your hand out as you move off is not going to cut it with me. Too many cars moving around. Too dangerous. Please remember: I’m not the reason why you’re going to be late to your final destination. – Love, Rajeev.

    Tuesday August 7, 2012:

Rajeev: “So, how are you today ma’am?” –> Customer: “Well, the coyotes attacked my goats last night and I think one of ’em is going to die.” Umm yeah. I think I’ll just go hang myself now….

    Tuesday August 7, 2012:

Due to the current layout of cars, customer had to do a quick K-turn in order to line herself up on the right side of the pump. Completely mortified by my suggestion, she leaves the station and pulls into my competitor’s place where she’ll now be spending 3 more cents per gallon.

I’m guessing I’m going to have to now add a Ridiculous Non-Customer category to my award show….

    Tuesday August 7, 2012:

Well hellloooo there! 5:45am. Rise and Shine! Awesome view this morning as the fine people of South Toms River engage in another day above ground. Make this one count. Cheers my friends!

    Monday August 6, 2012:

So, if you guys have read the commentary on my previous post, you know that I’ve been juggling with the idea of holding an award show here for the most outrageous customers. Well, inspired by my idea, my good friend Chris has envisioned what such a gala would look like. Kindly observe his creation. P-R-I-C-E-L-E-S-S….

    Monday August 6, 2012:

We here at the exquisite Delta Gas Station would like to think that we’re pretty straight forward kinda guys. We don’t lie, cheat, or steal. So, when customers throw out cockamamie accusations, I can’t help but simulate pulling my hair out.

This here is 1 of 2 signs we have on the premises. I didn’t design it. I just inherited it upon taking over this business. In time, it will change. But, I don’t have the means to make that happen just yet. Regardless, I do think it’s pretty simple to understand.

I can’t tell you how many times we go through this same rigmarole.

Customer: “It’s the same price for cash or credit, right?”
Rajeev: “No sir that’s for diesel.”
Customer: “But, it says cash or credit same price.”
Rajeev: “No, sir that’s for diesel. Regular Cash and Regular Credit are clearly marked.”
Customer: “That’s fucken bullshit. You’re trying to cheat me. Fuck this place.”
Rajeev: “Sir, I have other cars coming in. Do you want gas?”
Customer: “Yeah fine whatever. $3.”

Did I mention how much I love Monday mornings?!

    Saturday August 4, 2012:

We here at the exotic Delta Gas Station like to instill a little bit of humor and fear in hopes that it will minimize the number of cheating customers. Gentleman pulls in last night asking for $10 on his debit card. My attendant sets the pump to 10 bucks and walks inside to scratch the card. Only $2.91 left in his account. For those of you without a handy dandy calculator nearby, said customer has now come up $7.09 short.

As you have read over the last 4 months, we’ve tried a variety of tactics. Held onto driver’s licenses, debit cards, bracelets, watermelon fruit punch, etc. Well, last night my attendant tried a new one out for size.

Customer promised to come back the next morning to pay. Of course we’ve all heard that story before. My attendant informs customer that we have surveillance all over and that he will call the cops if he does not return with the cash. As an added security measure, he makes the customer come inside and tells him that his boss (me) is watching right now (which I wasn’t. I was probably 1 scotch and 2 beers in hanging on my back deck at that point). He makes the customer ‘wave’ to me and on camera say that he promises to return.

Well folks….it worked. At 7:49am this morning, this fine gentleman returned to the station, paid my guy, and shook his hand.

I love my attendant. I love my job. I love you all. I hate the fact that I don’t have a reality show yet. Good day….

    Thursday August 2, 2012:

I know this is not nearly as funny ’cause my surveillance camera wasn’t angled to get the whole thing in one shot, but here’s me re-enacting the scene from Austin Powers as a truck pulled in. For those of you unfamiliar with any of this, click over to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLlUgilKqms. But, trust me folks. If you were here watching me yell “Stoooooop!,” you would have laughed. Oooh I think the heat has finally gotten the best of me….

    Thursday August 2, 2012:

Dear Customers: Is it humanly possible for you NOT to cough all over the money RIGHT before you hand it to me? This job is definitely not for the extreme germaphobe. Good thing I’m a dirty bastard….

    Thursday August 2, 2012:

Do you think it would be weird if I lay an air mattress along the grass there and put up a sign that says “Honk for Service?”

    Thursday August 2, 2012:

‎”Well hello Smiley! Oooh I love it when you wear your sunglasses. I love that face!” I swear folks. One day, these flirty grandma customers are just going to throw themselves at me….

    Wednesday August 1, 2012:

Sorry. It had to be done. It was really starting to piss me off.

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