August 2013

Friday August 30, 2013:
I think the only thing more amusing than getting $1 of gas and paying me in all pennies would be getting $100 and paying me in all singles. The latter just happened.

Looks like someone’s wife made him cancel his afternoon lap dance appointment with Tania. That’s too bad. She could have really used that money to help pay for medical school….

Friday August 30, 2013:
Every morning, there’s a guy that walks around and collects all the cigarette butts from the ashtrays outside each store. He even goes around my lot sometimes. He then smokes what’s left of them. Not a homeless man. Customers tell me that he lives around the corner. Always wearing a clean t-shirt. Looks like he showers regularly.

Watching this everyday makes me glad that I quit 7+ years ago. Unsanitary to the nth degree. There’s got to be a point where you say to yourself, “Okay. Maybe I should stop doing this. Maybe it’s not worth getting HIV.”

To each their own I suppose….

Thursday August 29, 2013:
“My ideal Man would have a good education, a great smile, funny yet serious when need be, and expensive aftermarket car parts.” Said NO WOMAN EVER.

Guys customize pieces of shit cars to impress other guys in the same way women buy expensive handbags to make her girlfriends jealous.

Dear Humans: Why are we so fucked up?!

Thursday August 29, 2013:

6:17am. Chevy Tahoe. $2 of gas. I think I can finally afford that one Tic Tac that I’ve been jonesing for….

Wednesday August 28, 2013:
The Mayor of South Toms River just drove in here and busted my balls about the trash that is all over our lawn. I was going to clean it up anyways once Singh came in.

Perhaps it would have been a good time to tell him that his wife recklessly uses our station as a cut-through or perhaps he should toughen the littering laws in his town, but I figured that probably wouldn’t have been the best business decision to make.

So, I just said “No problem” and sent him on his way….

* It used to really bother me when residents would throw trash all over our lot. We have 3 garbage cans and a huge dumpster. All clearly visible. But, now it’s just become my daily routine. Go around during the early morning hours and pick the trash up. Today, I just didn’t get around to it yet.

* If Mr. Mayor is so concerned about the trash in my lil ‘ol business, he should really think twice about letting Wawa come in right next to me. More open grass, more littering. That’s how some residents operate here….

Friday August 23, 2013:
A lady and her kids pull into the station, get out, walk their dog on our lawn, let him shit, and took off without cleaning it.

Inconsiderate people should simply die. And that’s not a metaphor for something. I mean they should really lose their life prematurely….

Thursday August 22, 2013:
Customer pulls in and steps out of his car. He looks completely drained.

“Well, at least it’s almost Friday.”

“Well, I might be in jail by the weekend.”

“Yeah, why is that?”

“‘Cause I might murder the cunt in the office. She’s threatening to hold my paycheck because I haven’t had the time to submit my time sheet yet.”

“Don’t you pretty much work the same hours every week?”

“Yeah. I can understand not paying me the overtime, but I should be paid my standard 40 hours. Never hold back a man’s paycheck.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty messed up.”

“It’s cause she’s a Black. Cunt is on a power trip. In control of the white man’s money.”

And you people think playing the race card is an issue in this country. Psssht….

* It always amazes me when complete strangers make such racial remarks. They don’t know a damn thing about me! Hell, most of my customers don’t even know that I’m the owner. What if I married a Black person? What if I have Black people in my family? Insanity….

Wednesday August 21, 2013:
That awkward moment when a guy at the 7-Eleven waves and you wave back only to hear “Not you homeboy, the girl in the car!”

I need coffee….

Wednesday August 20, 2013:
“Sideline Shithead.”

You know folks? There’s nothing more obnoxious than ignorant customers boasting on how they could run this station better. As if I get off keeping the rustic look to this place. And by “rustic” I obviously mean run down beyond any aesthetic recognition.

“Bro, if this was my place, I’d have this place banging! All new pumps. New paint on the building. New pavement. Shit would put every other station out of business!”

“Oh I see. Alright. Well, anyways. Will you be paying for your $4 in gas in coins or bills?”

Friday August 16, 2013:

“No Cap On 6am Idiocy.”

A young lady drives in a short while ago.

“Umm I was here a couple days ago and like I think the guy forgot to put back my gas cap.”

“Miss, you have the Ford Easy Fuel No Cap system. You’re good to go.”

“Umm, but my brother is a mechanic and he said that there should be a cap.”

“Well, your brother is wrong. You’re welcome to step out of your car and see for yourself. It clearly says right on here — No Cap.”

“Oh. Okay thank you.”

Unfortunately, she drove off before I could get the name of the shop her brother works at.

You see folks? You see that sibling right there? He’s going places….

Wednesday August 14, 2013:

That Lucky Moment: Pulling up to the pump juuuust as you run out of gas.

That Doh! Moment: After learning that the hose is not long enough, asking the gas attendant (me) to push your car up a few feet.

Why am I not famous with a reality show yet?

Wednesday August 14, 2013:
Ran Out

6:22am. A guy walks into the station holding a gas can. He tells me that he ran out up the road. Pulls out a wad of cash.

“Let me get $2.”

After the 2 bucks goes in, he says “I’m sorry, but can you add one more dollar? I don’t want to run out again.”

6:30am. The guy comes back, now driving a huuuge van. Pulls out the same wad of cash.

“I made it. $8 please.”

Umm permission to lose faith in humanity now?

Regardless of one’s financial status, though, one simply can not go very far on such little gas. That’s just basic common sense. Or at least I thought it was. I have guys who will come in here everyday and fill up 10 bucks. It’s such a waste of time.

I’m not trying to sound arrogant. I know folks have fell on hard times. However, Money Management skills are seriously lacking. Some sort of course should be built into our educational system early on in life. For our kid’s sake.

In an hour or so, he will be forced to stop at another gas station. And he’s just an example of many customers I have like this.

I run on logic and rationalization. Anyone who knows me personally can attest to how flustered I get when I’m subjected to irrational thinking.

Something broke down in translation. Why fill $10 a day instead of $20 every other day and save time?

Money Management. Regardless of how much money you have or lack there of. As a society, we need to strengthen this skill.

Monday August 12, 2013:
photo (3)

You know folks, I’ve become accustomed to various things being left on the pumps. Soda cans, beer bottles, half eaten Big Mac, a french fry or two. But, this is certainly a first. And of quality I might add.

This place always keeps life interesting….

Sunday August 11, 2013:
Elisha Hawk

Before I pour myself an evening glass of scotch, I have to finish up some gas station paperwork. I’m currently writing a few “customers” who never returned to pay what they owe us.

Along with this letter, I printed out their own ID, the pump receipt, and the surveillance screenshot of their car. These are fairly older customers. These days, I don’t let anyone off the premises with first calling the cops.

Do I expect them to return and pay? No. But, it’s worth a few stamps to try. $10 here and $10 there adds up when you’re only making cents on the gallon. In about a week, I will just toss the whole “Box of Shame” in the garbage and never look back.

When you expect or demand charity from someone, I consider you a worthless human being. At that point, I pray for nothing but misery for you.

Morals. Values. It has become a lost art.

So, I thought I would have a little fun with this one. She was a real bitch to Singh….

Friday August 9, 2013:

We can add this to the “What The Fuck Is The Matter With You?!” Pile of Heaping Deliciousness.

6:30am. A woman pulls in and gets gas on credit. I set the pump, I walk in to swipe the card, I walk back out to have her sign the thing. Yes folks. Here at the Delta we’re old school like that.

First of all, people who take a long time to write their signature annoy me. There’s no reason for that. But, let me not digress.

After handing me back the clipboard, I see her start her car.

“Ma’am don’t move. It’s not done yet.”

I see her put her car in Drive.

In a sterner voice, “Ma’am don’t move. It’s not done yet.”

She launches her car a few inches.


“Oh. That would have been bad.”


I suppose it’s my fault though. As a preventive measure, I had stopped handing over the clipboard until the nozzle was safely out of the car. Back to defensive gas attending I go.

Sometimes, time and efficiency are not that important. And according to this customer, neither is paying attention….

Thursday August 8, 2013:

“Did This Just Really Happen?!”

Yuppers. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again. Even though I have my own surveillance cameras, sometimes I think that someone has cameras on ‘me’ and that I’m the star of some deranged reality show in China. I just can’t make this stuff up folks.

Young lady pulls in. Parks ‘in between’ the 2 pumps. I signal her to move up. She inches forward. Then a little more. Then a little more. Now, she’s ‘past’ the pumps. I tell her to move back. She inches backward. Then a little more. Then a little more. Oh fuck it. She decides to swing so far back that she’s now way ‘behind’ the pumps! This young scholar then turns in. A few more turns and she would have hit the bloody thing.

A $10 fill is all she wanted. I ask her to pop the gas cap. And I wait. And I wait. And I wait.

As you can see, I made sure the other guy was taken care of in a timely fashion. He’s a regular, and he knows how to effectively get gas. That guy right there? He’s going places.

Her passenger then comes out and opens it for me. Not sure why. I guess he felt sorry for me. And after subjecting me to this nonsensical behavior, she had to audacity to ignore my “Have a nice day.” She just drove off.

I must warn you folks. It’s a painful 2 minute video. But, you’ll feel better about yourself afterward. Stupid people should be ticketed on a regular basis….

Thursday August 8, 2013:
“Construction Guy Gawking: Does it really make your loins lascivious?”

Ladies, how do you feel about the stereotypical construction worker whistles?

2 guys in a beat up van pull in for a fill. Across the street is a good looking woman exiting the Dunkin Donuts. These two, like bitches in heat, start honking the horn and howling at her. And all I’m thinking is “Dude, you guys have no shot in hell!”

So, it begs the question? What’s the point? It would have been awesome though if the woman walked over and started coming on to one of them. I bet they would then buckle like a timid little pubescent….

Thursday August 8, 2013:
How do I politely tell the Mayor’s wife to please stop rashly using this gas station as a cut-through because one day she’s going to wind up hitting something or someone?

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