August 2014

Thursday August 28, 2014:
Top 5 Scenarios Where You should NEVER use Your Car’s Bluetooth and Speakers, #3: “When you’re parked in a public place with your windows down.”

Customer rolls in for a $10 fill. Her phone rings. It’s a guy on the other side.


“Hey. Are we okay?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“Well, I’m not sure if I offended you last night in bed. I wasn’t sure if you were into it.”

Maybe he wanted to enter through the back door. Maybe he wanted to bring a friend along for the ride. Or perhaps he just wanted to get a little freaky with a piece of salami. Who the Hell knows.

I’m just bummed that I didn’t get to hear the end of that conversation….

Wednesday August 27, 2014:
“If you’re gonna scam, scam well. Otherwise, don’t quit your day job.”

Customer comes in and asks for $40 worth. Turns out his car only took in $38.

“You’re full at $38.”

“So, give me back 2 bucks.”

“Sure. As soon as you give me $40.”

“I paid you nigga!”

“Dude, the two 20s are sitting right there.”

Realizing that he fucked up his little scheme, he quietly hands me the money.

And all this at 6:00am. Waaay too early for this shit….

Monday August 25, 2014:
Deaf Guy

And what’s a Monday morning without a little ridiculousness that leaves you wondering “What the fuck?!”

A guy pulls in driving a brand new Hyundai, swings the door wide open, and stumbles inside.

“Hey. My father died. My mother is in the hospital. I’m homeless. And I’m deaf. I just want to buy some cigarettes. Can you help me out?”

Not having any sort of ear piece, I turn around and answer him in a low voice.

“Sorry. But, I can’t help you.”

And then the “deaf” guy responded.

“You mean you really can’t help me out?”

“No. I am sorry.”

Begging for food is completely understandable. Begging for cigarette money is absurd.

Never a dull moment….

Friday August 22, 2014:
A little grasshopper looking thing was on the nozzle so I lightly flicked it off.

Well, the good news is that I saved its life.

The bad news is that it went into my customer’s car. And she yelled. And she freaked out. And she wasn’t too happy with me.

So, I gave her a gallon of free gas. It’s the least I could do.

Time to update the Job Responsibilities.

“Daily check of pumps to ensure a completely bug free environment. But, umm only when there are no customers around you moron.”

Signed. Sealed. Delivered….

Wednesday August 20, 2014:
Range Rover Druggy

“Sad. Unfortunate. He needs help.”

Those are the words to describe the series of events I experienced during the 7am hour this morning.

7:22am: A guy in a nice Range Rover Sport Supercharged pulls up to the pump. I hear coins jingling.

“I need $1 of gas. That’s all I got. But, I can’t figure out how to open the cap.”

Clearly, he was either on something or withdrawing from something. Badly.

To be honest, I couldn’t find the button either. At one point he tried to pry it open with a quarter. He even asked me for a crowbar. Of course, I wasn’t about to give him one.

So, I started tending to other customers.

He walks up to a diesel client of mine as he was getting a fill.

“Yo, you want to buy my car for $2,000?”

And then he started going up to ALL my customers! Clearly harassing them.

“Buy my car for $2,000. Buy my car for $2,000.”

Finally, I had enough.

7:32am: I asked him to leave. So, he pulls away from pumps, but remains in our lot. I thought he was calling a friend or something.

7:42am: I walk over to the car to kick him out ‘again.’ He was fucking passed out! I had to wake his ass up!

“Yo dude, you gotta go!” I was about to call the cops.

He ‘finally’ leaves here and does what? Pulls right into the Citgo! For the next 10 minutes, he does the exact same fucking thing. Parked himself in front of the pump, had the gas attendant try to open his cap while he bothers Citgo customers to buy his car. Well, after 10 minutes Citgo had enough and throws him out. Without getting that dollar in gas mind you.

He then pulls into the 7-Eleven, blocks in the Coke truck, jumps out, and starts talking to everyone in the parking lot.

After realizing that nothing good is going to come of all of this, at 8:00am he grudgingly leaves the whole area. Of course he rashly left the 7-Eleven almost causing an accident.

Folks, if you have a friend or relative who has hit this kind of rock bottom, please intervene. There’s just so much more to Life than living like this….

Thursday August 14, 2014:
Earlier, a truck full of horseshit (literally) came in for a fill.

This was over an hour ago. And that foul stench is still lingering around the pumps. My customers are not happy with me this morning. Not happy.

I feel like I owe them something. Like giving them cash price for credit transactions….or a ham sandwich.

Yeah yeah I know. That’s totally ridiculous, right?

Okay fine. Ham sandwich it is….

Thursday August 14, 2014:
“Yo dude, your pumps suck. I was in here a few weeks ago and it was going much faster than this!”

“Actually, it’s just about the same. In fact it’s slightly faster. We changed the filters a week or so ago.

But, the reason it feels slower is because we’ve decreased our prices since the last time you’ve been in here. So, it takes longer to get to $20 than before.”

“Huh. Never thought of it that way.”

I feel like a proud Math Teacher….

Tuesday August 12, 2014:
Earlier, a mother drove in with her 3 kids in the backseat. All under the age of 10.

All 4 of them had their own personal bag of Doritos. Munching and crunching away.

This was at 9:15 in the morning.

At what point do we hit the brakes on the Politically Correct train?

At what point do we stop advocating acceptance for non-medically related ‘obesity’ and instead start campaigning for more responsible ‘parenting?’

How difficult is it to feed your children a bowl of cereal?!

Chips for breakfast?

The smell of stale cigarette smoke coupled with the strong stench of nacho cheese only helped fuel my disgust for this whole ordeal (pun clearly intended for dramatic effect).

Obamacare. Everyone has an opinion on it.

But, I think we can all agree that if you are preexistingly stupid, then you should not be covered…..

Monday August 11, 2014:
“Deny everything, blame the other guy, and get loud and defensive.”

That’s apparently the mantra that many customers follow. Luckily, anything you say can and will be used against you in a Delta gas station operated by a Rajeev.

“Sorry man. Your card declined.”

“Bullshit! Your machine is broken! What happened to innocent until proven guilty?!”

“Well, my credit card machine innocently proved that you’re guilty of not having sufficient funds in your account.”

I’m not much of a fighter. But, sometimes my linguistic uppercut can sting a little….

Saturday August 2, 2014:

I was just contacted by the officer handling this case.

The guy used his girlfriend’s debit card and her car.

For that reason, the officer has contacted her directly to inquire about him.

It has been over 24 hours and she has not called him back.

If neither one of them returns the officer’s call by Monday morning, he will sign theft complaints against him.

The plot thickens. To be continued.

*He fucked up. And yet, out of the kindness of our hearts, we’re giving him a way out. Just come back to the station, pay your tab, and we can all pretend that nothing ever happened.

Yet, 48 hours later, we’ve had no contact.

Is stealing $43.51 of gas worth having a record? Is it worth being arrested?!

I’m truly amazed by this person’s silence….

Friday August 1, 2014:

This morning I got all my ducks in a row. Printed out all the evidence in color, and wrote down a report.

I just came back from STRPD. They’re on the case and will go out and find him.

I will be getting a call from PD sometime this afternoon with an update.

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