February 2014

Friday February 28, 2014:
“Always move forward in life. Never look backwards.”

That’s apparently the philosophy of one young lady.

“How much is that guy in front getting?”

“He’s a fill up. But, you can always just reverse and go around when your car is done.”

“I can’t. My Reverse doesn’t work. I can only go forward.”

“Are you serious?! Holy shit.”

Folks? I must say. That takes some guts. Think about your daily driving pattern. Think about driving in and out of a parking spot.

Can you successfully get through the day without ever putting your car in Reverse?

Friday February 28, 2014:
“Taking Common Knowledge For Granted.”

These playfully clueless conversations always keep me entertained. This one had a twist though. He threw me for a curve ball with his banter.

“So, where you from man?”

“I’m an American. Born and raised here. My parents are originally from India.”

“No shit. Wow. So, are you a Singh or a Patel?”

“Actually, I’m neither one of them. My parents are from a different part of the country.”

“So, check this out right. You know how Patels and Singhs don’t like each other and fight all the time? You guys are not involved in any of that?”

I’m completely trying to hold in my laughter at this point.

“Nope. We’re all love here. In fact my parents moved here over 4 decades ago.”

That fact alone threw him for a spin. We then exchanged a few other pleasantries and then he went on his way.

This whole conversation reminded me of the time I was 6 years old. A neighborhood kid had asked me if I was Jewish or Christian. When I told him I was Hindu, he gave me that same look of confusion as this customer. But, that was 3 decades ago. And we were 6.

I guess what I consider to be common knowledge is still foreign to some domestics….

Thursday February 27, 2014:
Fist Customer

“Smile, You’re on Candid Camera!”

Folks? I never thought I would come close to getting into an actual fist fight with a customer, but oh did we almost get there. And no. It wasn’t due to my left hook sarcasm.

Let me paint the picture for ya. A little past 7:00am. 6 cars on the bay. 4 fueling positions. 1 of me. 8 degrees out. I’ve been suffering from back pain for the last one week. Still, I’m hustling between cars to get everyone out in a timely manner.

One customer asks for a fill on his card. $36.21 is his total. I take his card inside and do a little swipey swipe. Declined.

“Sorry man, but your card declined. I need another one. I’ll take it in a minute. Let me just take care of a couple of cars here.”

He steps out of his car and follows me around.

“It’s a debit card. It works. Your fucken machine is broken you piece of shit!”

That was enough to set me off. I raise my voice a little bit.

“It works just fine. You don’t have money in that account.”

As he hands me another card, he screams “I’m calling the cops on you.” He then follows me inside and continues to spew hot air.

“You fucken piece of shit. I’m late for work. You want a piece of me?” He flares his arms like a typical “tough guy.” By this point we’re both in a full on screaming match.

“Hey asshole, look up there! Smile! You’re on camera. I’ll call the cops myself if you don’t get the fuck out of here!!”

Once he realized that he’s on surveillance, he backs off a little. A hear a faint “I’m sorry” underneath his breath. I hand back his 2nd card (which had funds) and get back to my other customers.

As he leaves, he pulls another typical “tough guy” move. He starts yelling at me from inside his car. I couldn’t make out what he said, but I did here “fucken Indians” at one point.

I apologize to my other customers for having to witness all that. They were all on my side. “What an asshole” was the general consensus. I concur.

Is it scotch time yet?

Monday February 24, 2014:
“Yo man why you looking at my girl?”

“Ahh cause I need to ask her how much gas she wants? I’m sorry, but I’m just not comfortable talking to people with my eyes closed.”

You see folks? You see that relationship right there? It’s pretty secure….

Thursday February 20, 2014:
A customer pulls in and asks for $10 of gas on her card. She comes up $2.75 short. By this point fuel had already been dispensed. I walk back to her to car.

“You’re $2.75 short. If you have it now I’ll take it. Otherwise, you can pay me the next time around.”

She’s a regular. I wasn’t going to lose my noodle for less than $3.

She starts unbuttoning her shirt. Reaches into her bra and pull out the money.

Oh grow up. That’s not the fascinating part. We’ve all seen women do this.

But, what I found interesting was that she was holding COINS in those things!

Bras: “The Sexy Fanny Pack.”

Thursday February 20, 2014:
The Nicest Ignoramus.

“You know, you are one of the nicest immigrants I’ve ever dealt with at a gas station. And you speak good English, too. You should teach the other guys out there!”

Umm, thank you?

Wednesday February 19, 2014:
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So, this just happened. Not exactly professional.

Touch Screen + Fat Fingers = Texting Fail.

Monday February 17, 2014:
park too close

So hey folks! You know how I always bitch when customers don’t pull up to the front pump? Well, like most things there are exceptions to every rule. In this case, a huge fucken exception.

Tell me something boys and girls. Why would you park ‘right’ behind a ginormous tanker truck currently dispensing 8,000 gallons of fuel into the ground?!

Logic should always dictate. “Should” being the operative word here….

Sunday February 16, 2014:
“Marketing.”

The topic constantly intrigues me. What constitutes “effective”marketing is very subjective. Some folks think excessive repetition is key. Others swear by humility and subtlety.

I will never claim to be a guru in this realm, but I do know what ‘does not’ work for me. Illogical behavior does nothing to spark my loins. Now enter Exhibit A.

I walk in this morning to a bunch of business cards sitting on my desk. It’s for an auto repair shop. Hmmm.

Let’s review shall we? Some guy drove into a gas station with an AUTO REPAIR SHOP and asks the attendant to hand out his business card for an AUTO REPAIR SHOP.

Riiiight….

Wednesday February 12, 2014:
It’s been the morning of utter ridiculousness. Let’s see if I can sum it all up for ya:

“Yo, I know the guy who used to work here real well. Can I get $3 of gas and come back later to pay ya?”
__________________________

One of our pumps is temporarily out of commission. I have a nice bright orange cone in front. Regardless, a guy pulls up to it.

“Sir, can you move up please?”

“What the fuck is the difference? Does it really matter?”

“Well, actually it doesn’t work right now. That’s why there’s a cone in front of it.”

“How am I suppose to know what the hell the cone means?!”
__________________________

A couple pulls in with their windows shut. They start arguing about who’s going to pay for the fill. This goes on for 5 minutes. Meanwhile, I’m standing right there freezing my ass off witnessing this very awkward conversation. Finally, they recklessly drive off without ever getting gas.

You see folks? You see that relationship right there? It’s going places….

Monday February 10, 2014:
A guy comes stumbling into my office.

“Can I use the bathroom?”

“Sorry, it’s for customers only.”

“So, I can’t use it?”

“Are you a customer?”

“No.”

“Then why would you ask me that follow-up question?”

Lost for words, he turns around and makes his exit.

Fun stuff.

Thursday February 6, 2014:
Damn it! This is the second time I’ve done this since taking over operations almost 2 years ago.

“Thank you Sir. Have a good day.”

“I’m a woman!”

Dear Employers: “Female Beard Shaving” should be an acceptable reason for tardiness. Please work with HR on this. Many thanks….

Sunday February 2, 2014:

Folks really don’t like to open their eyes around here.

“Is it more for credit?”

“Yes.”

“Oh fuck that. You people rip us off. Just give me 4 bucks.”

It would be prudent to note that Senor Douchebag was wearing a Broncos jersey.

‘Cause CLEARLY the entire sports enterprise doesn’t rip people off.

But but but that’s imported fabric off the Isle of Bendover….

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