July 2013

Tuesday July 30, 2013:
“The Four Commandments of Cigarettes and Gas Stations.”

1. Thou shall not smoke while pulling into a gas station.

2. Thou shall not smoke while pulling into a gas station as your infant child sits in the back seat.

3. Thou shall not smoke while pulling into a gas station as your infant child sits in the back seat and complain about “scraping the barrel” and getting only $4.20 of gas in all coins while having numerous empty cartons of Marlboro Reds on your floor.

4. Thou shall not smoke while pulling into a gas station as your infant child sits in the back seat and complain about “scraping the barrel” and getting only $4.20 of gas in all coins while having numerous empty cartons of Marlboro Reds on your floor and then throwing the lit cigarette on the bay next to my foot.

At precisely 8:03am, one offender committed all four sins. May God have no mercy on his balls….

Monday July 29, 2013:

A bunch of “Justice For Trayvon Martin” protesters just marched down the road….

Monday July 29, 2013:
That “Holy shit this customer is totally exposing herself” only to realize it was a juicy manboob. Tank tops. Eh. It’s not for everyone….

Monday July 29, 2013:
If you don’t know the capacity of a particular container, and you don’t have a meter to tell you, how would you know what “half” is? And why would you ask for such an imaginary quantity? Logic. Rationalizing. It’s become a lost art.

Customer pulls in with an industrial size propane tank.

“Do you want it filled up?”

“Umm, just fill it half way.”

“Sure. No problem. How many gallons does it hold?”

“I don’t know.”

“Then how would you know what half is? And how would I know what half is?”

“I don’t know.”

“Okay. How about I just give you 4 gallons and we’ll call it a day?”


Friday July 26, 2013:
“Brown Man Tips For Healthier Living” #77: If you turn your head and you’re directly viewing the nozzle, that means that you have not pulled up far enough. Kindly move a few steps ahead and restore your vehicle in Park.

Ladies, that piece of advice is free. The next one will cost you your ridiculously large SUV of unnecessary proportions and your Adam Levine blow up doll….

Friday July 26, 2013:
3 cars. Each asked for $6 worth. I hope that’s not a sign of how my day is going to turn out….

Thursday July 25, 2013:
“Society Has Gone To Hell and I’m Fucken Livid.”

Due to the sensitive nature of this incident, I will not be posting any screen shots or video. Rest assured, however, that it has been retained for my records.

2:50pm. I was home. Singh working the pumps. A guy pulls up and demands that he get free gas. Singh politely tells him that he can not do that and tends to another customer. This man gets out of his car and gets in Singh’s face. Screaming at him. Threatens to fuck him up. Takes a swing at him! The punch did not land. Thank the Lord. Singh runs into the office and the guy follows him. Mind you. There’s people and cars all around.

A friend of mine was at the station and sees all this from a distance. Before getting closer, he calls 911 and notes down the license plate number. The guy finally leaves, I get my first phone call, and the police arrive shortly thereafter.

As they were getting debriefed, the scumbag drives past the station. Turns out that he was BUYING something at the deli. So the fucker HAD money. Seeing the cops, he slouches in his seat hoping to go undetected. Sorry pal. You’re an asshole. The officers jump in their cars and pull him over.

When the police pull your sorry ass over, you quickly change your attitude. All of a sudden he was apologetic and told the cops that he was willing to come back and make things right. The officers instruct him never to pull into my station again and use Citgo from now on. They let him go.

They return to the station and ask Singh if he wants to press charges. He said No and that he just wants to be this incident behind him.

This morning I had a young girl trying to scam me for free gas. This afternoon Singh almost got beaten up for the same thing in broad daylight.

I….I….I’m just trying to make some sense out of this. And I can’t. Reason and logic get thrown out the window once a guy assaults an attendant for not giving him free gas.

Sometimes I really do wonder if it was wise to get into this business. Sometimes I really wonder….

Thursday July 25, 2013:

“Nicotine Addiction is a Bitch. And So Are Scammers.”

2 young girls pull up to the back pump. Immediately, the passenger jumps out and walks into my office.

“Hey. My friend and I just ran out of gas. Can you give us I don’t know a few dollars or some spare change?”

Red Flag: How convenient that they ran out of gas right in front of the pump, yet have no money on them.

“Sorry. I can’t do anything for you. This is not a charity. This is a gas station.”

Young lady walks back to the car and consults her friend. Meanwhile, another customer drives in and parks in front of them. She opens the passenger door and screams out to the driver.

“Hey, can I have a cigarette?” Customers gives an emphatic No head nod.

5 minutes go by. “Magically,” $7 appeared. The driver hands it to Singh and he gives them about 2 gallons worth.

They then drive directly across the street into the 7-Eleven. The driver walks in, while the young lady stays outside of her car.

The Delta part of this story ends here, but Lord knows what they were trying to pull over yonder.

One year in this business is long enough to smell out a scamming bitch. The stench is a rather disappointing fragrance to humanity….

Thursday July 25, 2013:
“So, did you ever fix your other truck?”

“Nah, I had to scrap it. It had 253,000 miles on it. Everything was blown on it. It’s alright. I got my money’s worth.” He pauses for a moment.

“It got old. Just like us. But, I’m not ready to go to the junkyard yet. I don’t have that many miles yet. And damn you better put a new engine in me if shit goes wrong. I still got plenty of living to do!”

These Thursday early morning conversations are getting better and better….

Thursday July 25, 2013:
Never in a million years would I ever expect to have a full drawn out discussion on the Monroe Doctrine with a kid customer at 6:15am. Definitely one of those “Don’t judge a book by its cover” moments….

Wednesday July 24, 2013:
This is the 4th time we’ve had our Lysol can stolen out of the bathroom.

Kills 99% of germs they say? Clearly that 1% then are degenerate thieves of mongoloid proportions….

strong>Tuesday July 23, 2013:
The People of South Toms River vs. Wawa. Town Hall Meeting #6? I lost count. I think I may actually get to speak at this one.

Maybe if I poison them with Quick Chek sandwiches I can get them to back off….

Tuesday July 23, 2013:
Getting angry with me after I tell you that debit cards are treated as credit transactions here BEFORE I even dispense fuel is like going to a zoo and complaining of horseshit.

This is the United States of America, where the national language is Spanish and capitalism awards you options. Unnecessarily yelling at me shouldn’t be one of them.

Press 1 for Intelligence please….

Tuesday July 23, 2013:
I’ve said this once, and I’ll say it again. The movement of 90 degree air through fans still feels a lot better than no movement at all. Screw you and your physics, or chemistry, or zoology, or whatever…

Monday July 22, 2013:
“Low on Air, Low on Intelligence.”

Customer pulls up to the air pump. Her rear passenger tire is two steps away from being completely shredded. Clearly, she’s been driving on the rim. I’m handling other cars on the bay as I watch her attempt to put air in this thing. I can see that she’s getting flustered. She screams out to me. “It’s not working.” So, I finish up with my other customers and walk over.

“It’s working. You just have to hold the nozzle a little tighter. See?” More cars come in, so I walk back. She continues to struggle with the thing. She then comes over and yells at me in front of other customers. “It’s not fucking working!” I ignore her, tell everyone to have a nice day, and walk back into my office. She follows me.

“Give me a dollar so I can go to another gas station.”

“Why would I do that? The machine is working just fine. Your tire won’t hold air.”

“Prove it then. It don’t work. This is your business ain’t it? Your shit don’t work.”

“How exactly would you like me to prove it? Your tire won’t hold air. It’s not the pump.”

“Is it that big of a deal? Just give me a fucken dollar! All the gas stations I went to yesterday were just fine!”

“Why are you yelling at me?”

“Cause I’m late for work and I can’t get it fixed until tomorrow!”

“And that’s my problem how? Just go.”

“Go to Hell! In fact, why don’t you just fucken die there!”

Now folks. Technically speaking, that’s chronologically inaccurate. I have to first die, then be transported to Hell. But, let’s not bog ourselves down with such mundane details.

She storms outta here and pulls into Citgo. She tries to fill her tire there. Quickly she realizes that it’s just not going to happen. I was sooooo hoping that she would drive back up this way, but she didn’t.

So, who won this round? On one hand she lost 2 bucks and still has a bum tire. On the other hand, I was unable to get the last word in. If she drove back up this way, I would have unleashed the most dickheadish sarcastic rant on her. So, perhaps it’s a draw?

Welcome to my Monday morning folks. I so need to install mics here….

Friday July 19, 2013:

“Tony from Naples” by Raj Narayanan.

I never got a chance to write about this yesterday. I had the most unusual but pleasant early morning experience.

A little past 5:30am, I pull into the station and see an 80s Mercedes Diesel car double parked on the road. As I was opening the shop doors, he pulls in. Figured he just wanted fuel. Heavy heavy Italian accent. I say I understood about 20 minutes of our half hour discussion. Here’s what I gathered.

Either he was the first owner of this station or worked here during that time. It was an Esso in the late ’50s/early 60s. He immigrated from Naples, Italy. 77 years old. Driving a 1984 Mercedes 300 Turbodiesel. He used to live in the neighboring town of Beachwood, but has been living in Elizabeth for many years now.

He told me a story about how he left his wife in Italy and came here to establish himself before bringing her over. He had a mistress who lived a few houses behind my station. This was when he was in his 20s. When his wife finally came to the States, he continued to mess around with this girl. He went into great detail on how the mistress would be across the street and she would secretly wave to him while his wife was right here at the station.

Oh yeah. This conversation was actually happening. And mind you it wasn’t even 6:00am yet! In the midst of all this, he opens his trunk and gives me some Italian liquor candy and a couple drinks. All unopened so don’t worry. He wasn’t trying to get me into any kind of hanky panky situation.

Around 6:00am, cars started to come in, so we said our goodbyes. 2 hours later, after pumping in the blazing sun, those drinks went down amazingly. The San Pellegrino Sparkling Blood Orange in particular soooo hit the spot. I just wish it was more than 6oz.

And there you have it folks. You never really know who or what will roll in here. I think I just stole that line from Pawn Stars….

Friday July 19, 2013:
Customer with New Hampshire plates pulls in for a fill. Credit. Came out to $41 and change. I walk in, swipe the card, and return to her car.

“$41?! What, are you trying to cheat me? It says same price for cash and credit!”

“No Ma’am it’s 10 cents higher per gallon. It is clearly marked on the big bright yellow sign that is in front of you. Diesel is the same price for cash or credit.”

“What bullshit. I don’t need this. I have a long drive back home!”

“No Ma’am, what’s bullshit is hearing about your illiteracy in this excessive heat. To be honest, it’s starting to giving me a headache.”

“Fuck you.”

“Have a nice day.”

Oh don’t worry folks. It’s not like I’m ever going to see her again. I’m hot and I’m tired. It happens.

Rajeev 1, Hooked On Phonics Woman 0.

Thursday July 18, 2013:
“There’s nothing more obnoxious than a single guy giving relationship advice.”

Wise words from a man who just got $3 of gas…

Monday July 15, 2013:
Customer drives in asking for $10. When I opened the gas cap, 2 small bags of weed came tumbling out. Uh huh.

Interesting place for it. Someone cue up Rob Schneider….

Monday July 15, 2013:
“$15 man. Yo Raj can you write me a receipt for $20?”

“Want to make some money off your boss, huh?”

“Nah. My old lady. She doesn’t believe me that I put $20 of gas in. She wants to see receipts now.”

You see folks? You see that relationship right there? It’s going places….

Monday July 15, 2013:
photo (8)

Good morning folks! The time is now 5:18am. Or at least that’s the time I hit Print to review my Inventory Status Report. As you can see, I have opened up shop this morning. I did in fact take in a delivery yesterday. In the end, maintaining good PR and taking a financial loss this week is a lot less stressful. If I don’t take a paycheck this week, then I should be good to go. It wouldn’t be the first time. And it certainly won’t be the last. Comes with the entrepreneurial territory I suppose.

So wake up folks and get your week started! And before you write “Ugh Monday,” just remember that you could be “Ugh Unemployed!” Cheers!

Friday July 12, 2013:
Almost 10pm on a Friday night. Sipping something delicious and crunching numbers. Wow. Due to where oil prices are and where my inventory replenishment point is, it looks like shutting down operations for a day or two may be the best financial option for me. In that time, I hope the market will dip back down so that I can buy an entire tanker truck load that makes sense for my P&L. In the year+ that I’ve been in business, I have never been faced with this kind of radical decision. If I buy 8,000g this weekend, I will actually be losing money. The insanely small profit margin is not even enough to cover my expenses.

I’ll sleep on it and will see how I feel about it in the morning. I may physically leave the station whenever I want, but that doesn’t mean work stops. Welcome to the life of an entrepreneur. It’s not always a walk in the park….

You know this industry is f’d up when my cost price is higher than what the PARKWAY is selling gas for! And as you know, their price is locked in for an entire week. So, what happens when the oil market decides to tank? I will be forced to lower my price to move the inventory out. Then I will actually be selling gas at a price LOWER than what I bought it for! Forget about covering my expenses as I said in my original post. At this point I will be PAYING money to operate! Gotta love it.

Looks like Mr. Singh will have 1/2 of Sunday and all of Monday off. Come Monday 6pm, let’s hope prices have come down a bit so I can pick up a load for Tuesday morning and resume business.

Friday July 12, 2013:
Women should be fined everyday until they trade up their SUV for a station wagon with gas tanks on both sides….

Wednesday July 10, 2013:
Customer pulls in for a fill. Elderly Black gentleman. Not always a regular, but he has been in here several times.

“I like that you’re out here every morning working. These ignorant Niggas don’t know shit. Lazy. Pants always hanging off. They look stupid. What happened to class? It’s not ‘cool’ to go hungry. Hopefully these Niggas will learn that before it’s too late.”

No truer words have ever been spoken….

Wednesday July 10, 2013:
Yeah I know that money is money and I shouldn’t gripe about it yada yada yada and all that jalapeno cheese. But, it’s still bloody annoying to be paid in coins especially when the dollar amount is over 4 bucks. Help a brown man out. Use bills.

*This PSA has been brought to you by Midol.

Friday July 8, 2013:
photo (3)

Ahh yes. Once again you thumper folk find a need to question ‘my’ existence and propagate your insecurities. And in spite of our polite refusal to accept such documentation, you insist on us taking it in. Usually, it goes right into the garbage.

I suppose you have won this round, however. “Conveniently” creased to ‘this’ page, it did pique my interest. I guess I should be happy that you got my background right. I must admit that I would have expected you to have highlighted the page where it delicately discredits Islam.

I will never ever understand this religious infringement. I don’t vomit my unsolicited views on you. You voluntarily choose to follow me on Facebook and/or in real life. I’ve said this a million times. And now I will say it a million and one.

Spirituality comes from within and should remain there.

If this post starts a holy war, then so be it. This is my opinion. And I am entitled to it….

Friday July 5, 2013:
I never understood the whole “I don’t want to break my $50” or “I don’t want to break my $100.” Customers will go to great length to pull out smaller bills and even coins to prevent that “breakage.”

I mean, I get it. In theory, we think that we’re saving money by holding off until the last minute. In reality, however, we’re actually saving jack shit.

When Life is already complicated, why do we insist on playing mind games with ourselves?

Thursday July 4, 2013:

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY from everyone here and ummm the Beast Ice can that was left in front of the pump. ‘Murica….

Thursday July 4, 2013:
Gooooood morning South Toms River! This is your 6:00am wake up call! Get the hell up!

Travel tip for you crazy kids moving about this holiday weekend. If you want a completely pain free experience on the Garden State Parkway, drive on it during the 5:00am hour. Not a damn person in sight. You can be the first one on the beach! Yaaaay! Have a good day folks….

Wednesday July 3, 2013:

Rule #3 When Working For Rajeev Laxman Narayanan: ” In an area full of potential cheaters, always take simple precautionary measures to cover your own ass. Otherwise, you WILL be disciplined AND held responsible.”

Folks, if you happen to see a ’97-’99 dark green Honda CRV with New York plates roaming around, kindly run them off the road and tell them it’s from their neighborly brown man.

Customer pulled in asking for a fill up. No money in their account. As soon as their card was handed back to them, they stepped on the gas and took the hell off. Unfortunately, the license plate number was not noted down. Not at all happy about this….

Tuesday July 2, 2013:
This guy has Bentley emblems all over his Chrysler 300. I reckon he has what the locals call SWWI – Small Wee Wee Insecurities….

Tuesday July 2, 2013:
“Ma’am, you pulled up to the wrong side.”

“Oh what the fuck? Are you kidding? This is ridiculous. This is my ex-husband’s car.”

Sooo I guess he got full custody of the brains in the divorce settlement?

Tuesday July 2, 2013:
photo (1)

The is what Dave at Brooks Auto Repair is working on today. It’s a ’70. Awesomeness….

Tuesday July 2, 2013:

What? Don’t be jealous that this here is totally way sexier than your beach pics….

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