July 2014

Thursday July 31, 2014:

Listen up you fucking geniuses who try and cheat gas stations:

STAY OFF SOCIAL MEDIA. Otherwise, guys like me will find a way to pin you down for the crime that you have committed.

For obvious reasons, I won’t be posting names, photos, or screenshots. But, here’s a little back story for your Thursday evening.

Got a call from Singh about an hour ago.

Customer came in for a fill up. Came out to $53.51. He only had $10 left in his account. He owes us $43.51.

When Singh went to hand him back his card, he drove off like a bat out of hell. He was only able to get a partial plate number.

But, here’s where it gets juicy. Stay with me on this one.

1) I went back to surveillance footage and took a pic of the car.

2) He used his fiancee’s debit card. We have the receipt with her name.

3) I searched her on Facebook. Found her. Verified that she’s local.

4) I then stalked her photos and found him. Clicked on his profile.

5) I verified that he also is local. Also found a photo of him in his car. The SAME car he used to get gas in.

6) Sent all this to Singh via text to verify that it’s the same dude. It was.

Can anyone guess what step #7 will be?

Oh that’s right. I will be paying a visit to my boys at the South Toms River police department tomorrow morning to hand them over all this evidence.

This wasn’t exactly how I envisioned my evening to go, but as we all know there’s never a dull moment. Shit happens. Over and over.

Justice will be served my friends.

Fuck you and your thieving ways. I’m an honest man running an honest business. You’re going down you low life scumbag.

To be continued….

Monday July 28, 2014:
Oh hey kids!

Ever see a guy pull into a gas station wearing nothing but his underwear and a smile?

Yeah. Me either….Until now.

I’m not sure if I can actually unsee that. I may need a hug.

And Oh it was boxers. And it was boxers that were a leeetle too loose. Let’s just say that there was partial sighting of a cute ball of joy….

Monday July 28, 2014:
“What’s up man, how was your weekend?”

“Good. My daughter never ceases to amaze me. I go in to grab another beer and I see my daughter in the family room playing on her iPad.

‘You need to get outside. It’s so nice out.’

So, I get my beer and walk back out. What do I see? My daughter on the deck playing with her iPad.

That wasn’t exactly what I had in mind. But, I was laughing so hard I couldn’t even discipline her.”

Now, that’s funny….

Friday July 25, 2014:
“The Million Dollar Attitude: An Important Life Lesson.”

Several times a week a guy walks up the street and asks me if he can get a dollar bill for his dollar in coins. He’s too embarrassed to pay for his coffee in change.

An absolute pleasure to talk to,

I have a regular $3 customer who at times will keep the car resting at her house because she just can’t afford to drive around. So, she walks up and down the street to get her breakfast.

An absolute pleasure to talk to.

There’s this dude who bought himself an old beat up Lexus just to brag to the world that he drives a Lexus.

And I have a customer who always comes in with a sharp suit and tie. I don’t know what he does for a living, but he does look important.

The latter two are absolute disasters to talk to. They look down on me. Never acknowledge my greetings. Practically throw their money at me. The disrespect goes on and on.

These are just 4 examples of the pool of folks that I deal with every day of my life.

So, let’s break this down simply.

*Your money does not give you class.

*Your material possessions do not give you class.

*Your job does not give you class.

It’s how you treat others that makes you a good person. Once you lose sight of that, you’ve lost yourself as a decent human being.

Treat everyone as an equal. And ensure you instill that value in the children that you are raising.

Working this gig is truly an eye opener in many ways….

Thursday July 24, 2014:

Customer pulls in and plops a nice cup of Joe on the pump.

“Got a little gift for you. I saw you from over there. Running around the pumps. You got your hands full this morning. So, I walked backed in. Thought you could use a cup of coffee.”

Further proof that Humanity hasn’t completely fallen off the deep end yet….

Wednesday July 23, 2014:
“What’s your PERSONAL SPACE limit before you start freaking out?”

Customer pulls in for a $20 fill. I was standing to the left of the nozzle near his front door. He steps out to chat it up.

All of a sudden we’re now only one foot away from one another. And he’s just talking and talking.

That was a little too close for comfort for this brown man. Besides, I don’t particularly enjoy second hand bacon.

So, I step to the other side of the hose and continue our conversation.

I realize that it may have been a rude maneuver on my part, but I need to be at least 2 feet away when engaging in small talk….

Tuesday July 22, 2014:
“$30 regular please.”

“Bro, this is a 2 gallon gas can.”

“You mean it won’t take it?”

“Not unless I charge you $15 a gallon.”

Kids? Just say NO to drugs….

Tuesday July 22, 2014:

Not a car that usually comes through here, especially during the early morning.

Man, they just don’t make them like they used to….

Friday July 18, 2014:
“Illegal Activity and Attempted Robbery. But, thanks for the help!”

Okay, so it’s not as bad as it sounds. I just like being melodramatic.

Customer pulls into the last available fueling position. Now, I’m tending to 5 cars at the same time.

He jumps out and begins pumping his own gas. I make my way to his car.

“Here’s my card. I’m getting $25.”

I finish up everyone else and go in to swipe his card. I then walk back and bid him a farewell.


“Yeah. You got gas on Credit and you pushed the Cash price. Have a good day.”

He gives me that “Damn I got caught” smile and drives off.

Point Brown Man….

Friday July 18, 2014:
“How are you doing today Ma’am?”

“No offense, but I don’t want to chat. And can you move away from the pump? I want to make sure you don’t cheat me.”

“Oh, well when you put it like that, how can I possibly take offense?!”

You know? I think I should have given ‘her’ a $1 tip just for being honest….

Monday July 14, 2014:
$1 Vacuum

Oooh today is just the gift that keeps on giving!

Customer drives up to the vacuum machine. A couple minutes later, he storms into my office. He starts copping an attitude even before he gets to the doorway.

“I put a dollar in and the fucking machine is not working.”

“That’s because it costs $1.25.”

“That’s what I said. I put in a $1.25.”

“No Sir you said you put in a dollar. Hang on I’ll take a look.”

I already knew where this was going. Sadly, it has happened before. I grab a quarter and walk on over.

I drop that quarter in. And holy shit wouldn’t you know?! It turned right on!

“Oh maybe it’s because I put the quarters in too slow.”

“Umm no. It’s because you put in $1 instead of $1.25 as clearly indicated. Have a nice day.”

The look of defeat on his face was well worth losing 25 cents. I really didn’t need that Chiclet anyways….

Monday July 14, 2014:
“When Small Talk Unintentionally Goes Big.”

“How was your weekend?”

Such a simple and normal question to ask on a Monday morning. After all, I work in retail. I deal with customers one to one.

“Oh, it was okay. It was too short though.”

That’s a typical response I get. I generally then agree with them, take their money, and bid them a farewell.

Well? Life can be a three ring circus (You’ll understand the pun in a minute).

“So, how was your weekend man?”


“Crazy good or crazy bad?”

Customer then got all jumpy and giddy like a school girl.

“Crazy good. So, last week I got my nipple pierced.”

He then proceeds to lift up his shirt to show me.

“And then yesterday I got my thing pierced!”

Now, I have older members of my family reading this shit, so I will spare all of you the finer details of our conversation.

But, he began to describe in ‘great’ length (Woo hoo. Another pun) how it felt, how it feels now, where exactly the piercing went, how it bled all last night, etc holy shit etc. He even showed me his first aid kit that he’s bringing to work today.

So, the next time you ask someone how their weekend was, prepare for a mouthful (Sorry. Had to throw one last pun in there. Why? ‘Cause I’m just stupid like that).

Monday July 14, 2014:
“The $20 Phone Call.”

Customer pulls in while talking on her cell phone. Parks next to the pump and holds up a $20 bill. I give her a nod, dispense $20 of fuel, and wait for her to roll down her window.

“Thank you. Have a nice day.”

“Wait. Where’s my change?”

“What change? You asked for $20 worth.”

“I wanted $10, not went $20!”

“Miss, you held up a $20 bill, what was I suppose to think?”

“Well, give me $10 back. I need money for lunch.”

“I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“I’m gonna call the cops on yo ass!”

“And tell them what exactly? That I took $20 from you after giving you $20 of gas?”

She pauses for a moment.

“Fuck you!”

“Have a nice day.”

Fun times….

Sunday July 13, 2014:
“Honey, can you do that thing your sister does?!”

Even on a lazy Sunday you get some interesting characters rolling through here.

Customer comes in for a fill. He looked pretty beat up.

“Rough night?”

“Yeah. I was at a strip club in Philly. My girlfriend’s sister is a dancer there. I told her that she didn’t see me here. Man she’s hot.”

Well alrighty then. Boy, those family BBQs have to be a bit awkward, no?

Thursday July 10, 2014:
“Heeeey Raj. Fill me up sugar!”

“Oh I’m gonna have to charge you credit price for that.”

If anyone needs me, I’ll be laughing all the way to a sexual harassment lawsuit….

Wednesday July 9, 2014:
photo (1)

Do you like Feel Good stories? I like Feel Good stories.

Propane customer drives in. After I fill his tank (oh behave), he hands me a little box with some icy deliciousness.

Humanity rocks, especially on a hot summer day….

Tuesday July 8, 2014:
“Fill it up please, but don’t overfill. I hear gas expands in the heat and I don’t want my car to catch fire.”

“No problem. When it clicks off, I won’t top it off. I’ll round down, so you’ll actually get a little bit of free gas.”

“No, I want you to stop it before then.”

“Okay. When would you like me to do that?”

“When it’s almost full.”

“How will I know when that is?”

“You work here don’t you? You don’t know?”

“Yes I work here. But, there’s two pieces of information I’m afraid I don’t have. One is the size of your tank. Two is how much gas you had left when you drove in here.”

Customer gives me a blank stare.

“Don’t worry Ma’am. I assure you that you’ll be just fine.”

So, the fill came out to $42.33. I collected $42 and sent her on her merry way.

Personally, I think I should have been paid 33 cents for even entertaining that conversation….

Thursday July 3, 2014:
“This is nice, right? I bet it’s hotter where you come from!”

“Nah. New Brunswick is pretty much the same as here.”

Customer looks at me funny and then takes off.

I think I used that same line last year. But, I don’t care. It still cracks me up.

*And for those who don’t know, I was born at Saint Peter’s Hospital in New Brunswick, NJ.

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