June 2014

Monday June 30, 2014:

I have a customer who walks around all the nearby businesses collecting empty cans. He shows up on foot every morning with a garbage bag and a poking stick. I don’t know anything about him. But, it does appear that he has fallen on hard times.

I’d like to help him out. I don’t drink soda, but I do drink beer. And so I’ll start buying the frosty beverage in cans instead of bottles.

If you are in the vicinity of 389 DOVER ROAD in SOUTH TOMS RIVER, please stop by with your cans. The station is located a 1/4 mile off Exit 80 of the Garden State Parkway.

Many thanks.

Monday June 30, 2014:
An elderly woman probably in her upper 70s just pulled a 20 out of her bra.

I ain’t gonna lie. I’m a little grossed out right now. Someone hold me….

Thursday June 26, 2014:
One of the more amusing aspects of this job are the “quality” sales pitches I get for fixing up the place.

Yes, this station is old, rundown, and falling apart. However, accentuating those aspects is not exactly what I consider to be a good selling point.

A guy just came in here, hands me his card, and starts babbling.

“Let me fix this place up for you. It looks like shit and I can really use the work. You won’t be disappointed.”

Riiiiiight. So, do you accept all major credit cards?!

Now, I am a compassionate guy. But, I don’t think Insult and Desperation is in the Sales 101 Handbook, do you?

Why don’t you have a little folder with Before and After photos to show me?

Why don’t you tell me all about the other commercial projects you’ve done?

Why don’t you give me a list of references?

And the kicker? He didn’t even get gas!

I need coffee….

Wednesday June 24, 2014:
“Your Poor Driving Skills Will Cost You Time and Both of Us Money.”

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m very grateful to be running this business. But, like most occupations, it comes with its own set of frustrations.

Today, we discuss female drivers and their unwillingness to negotiate around the pumps.

Everyday, we lose a handful of customers to Citgo. If 3 out of the 4 fueling positions are occupied, they get spooked.

“Don’t worry. All you have to do is come around and K turn. I’ll walk you through it.”

And like a little girl in pigtails throwing a tantrum, their heads emphatically give me the “No.” So, they go off to Citgo where they will ‘always’ pay 3 cents more per gallon.

“Tales From The Pumps: Observing Life Through The Eyes of a NJ Gas Station Operator.”

As you know, that has been my tagline since I started here a little over 2 years ago. And as always, I like to spin my experiences into positive and practical real world suggestions.

*Mock gas stations should be set up during your Driver’s Test. If you can’t successfully get around cars and line up to the pump you lose a point.*

It’s a win win situation really — for both the new driver and society….

Tuesday June 23, 2014:

Misplaced Monday Morning Anger, Example #14.3:

“Sorry, but you’re going to have to come closer. The hose won’t reach.”

“Oh what the Hell?! Are you kidding me?! Try stretching it! Why the Hell do they keep making these hoses shorter and shorter?!”

“Yeah I don’t know. It’s pretty ridiculous of them.”

Right. So, perhaps if she didn’t park in West Bengal, we could have avoided this silly little incident.

Why do folks insist on yelling at retail employees for no apparent reason?

Wednesday June 4, 2014:
Customer drives in for gas as she’s talking to her girlfriend on her cell.

“You’re cool. But, there’s a fine line between being cool and an asshole. You like to push buttons. So, those who don’t know you well will think you’re just an asshole.”

Was she ‘really’ on her phone, or was she just trying to tell me something?


Wednesday June 4, 2014:

Hot Dog Man just stopped in for a fill.


Tuesday June 3, 2014:
“$20 please. You know, I’ve been coming here for a while now and I don’t know your name.”

“Raj. Pleasure to formally meet you Sir. You are one of the nicer customers I have.”


Truth! Words to live by folks, words to live by….

Tuesday June 3, 2014:
So, my gas delivery arrived, right? The number of customers I’ve had to ask to put out their cigarette or hold off on lighting one while 8,500 GALLONS of fuel with vapor all over the place gets dispensed into the ground is absolutely fucking astonishing.

Perhaps you don’t value your life, but I certainly value mine. And to think that some of these degenerate mongoloids have actually reproduced….

Tuesday June 3, 2014:

I’m such a little kid. Big trucks still excite me….

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