March 2013

Friday March March 29, 2013:
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Brought in my Sony RX100. Got in the shot right before the sun started to come up….

Thursday March March 28, 2013:
That awesome “Surround Sound” feeling you get when all 3 cars on the bay have the exact same radio station blasting as the one in the garage….

Wednesday March March 27, 2013:
singh joey

When I asked Crazy Joey if he could get Singh for me, this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind. But, hey? Who am I to judge?!

Wednesday March March 27, 2013:
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Have to remember to bring a real camera to work tomorrow, but here’s a before sunrise pic I took with my iPhone. Just realized that I never snapped this shot….

Tuesday March 26, 2013:
If you’re out of shape and lazy and living in New Jersey, why the hell would you buy a car with manual windows that has the gas tank on the passenger side?!

Yes, I am willing to walk around, but I will always gravitate to the side of your tank FIRST for efficiency reasons. Don’t give me an attitude ’cause you didn’t think intelligently when you purchased your vehicle….

Tuesday March 26, 2013:
a

Customer pulls up to the wrong side of the pump.

Rajeev: “You gotta turn around man.”

Customer: “Damn it. Dude, that’s the 3rd time I’ve done that this week.”

Rajeev: “Bro, it’s only Tuesday.”

Customer: “Yeah I know.”

Oooh boy….

Saturday March 23, 2013:
A guy comes walking across the street. Panting as all hell.

“Man, that was a tough walk. Out of shape. Can I get an oil change?”

“Sorry, the garage is closed on the weekends. He’ll be here 8:30 Monday morning.”

Mr. Fitness proceeds to walk back to the 7-Eleven which is LITERALLY a stone’s throw away. He emerges with a huge Big Gulp. Hmm.

Dear Mr. Bloomberg: Rewrite your soda law as it should only pertain to The Stupid and Ignorant….

Friday March 22, 2013:
Customer: “Can I get a match?”

Rajeev: “No, sorry. We don’t sell cigarettes here.”

Customer: “Nigga ya don’t smoke?”

Rajeev: “No, sorry.”

Customer: “Nigga, everybody smokes.”

Rajeev: “I guess I’m an anomaly.”

Customer: “Nigga, what the hell is that?”

Rajeev: “Never mind.”

*Dear Mom: I’m bringing this one home. She’s good, clean, and wholesome.

Thursday March 21, 2013:
sex offender

“Sick Bastard” By, A Disgusted Narayanan.

So, this guy is pretty much a staple on this street. He roams around everyone’s parking lot daily looking for change to buy his cigarettes and whatever else. Locals tell me he is a registered sex offender. Lo and behold, it’s true. I found his rap sheet online.

28 years ago, at age 41, he was convicted of Aggravated Sexual Assault and Endangering The Welfare of a Child.

Why are these fucks allowed to live?!

Sexually based offenses, especially those on a minor, should have a “1 Strike and You Get The Death Penalty” policy.

Thursday March 21, 2013:
“Love.” What is it?

No, it’s not gushing about your pookie on Facebook a thousand times a day (We all see right through that bullshit by the way. No one believes that you have the bestest relationship ever. But, let me not digress).

No, it’s not about buying her flowers and chocolate on obvious days of retail bondage.

No, it’s not about every Kiss begins with K and all of it’s materialistic magnificence and splendor.

No kids. “Love” is sitting in the passenger seat while your hubby puffs away on a cigar, holding it with his right hand as he drives.

A very awesome couple are regulars of mine. They come in here twice a week. Holy crap, I can smell their car from a mile away. Always chopping on that thing. And it’s potent. And it’s constantly going up her nostrils.

Love….

Tuesday March 19, 2013:
Top 10 Most “Interesting” Ways To Ask For Gas, #4:

“I just want to add 10 dollars to the tank. I need to get to Home Depot and buy a new toilet paper holder and some other things.”

Huh. I suppose “$10 please” would have been too much of a tongue twister….

Tuesday March 19, 2013:
Customer: “$40.”

Rajeev: “$40?”

Customer: “Yeah that’s what I said Nigga. $40.”

As a society, are we ever going to stop talking like that?

Monday March 18, 2013:
photo (12)

“Bottled Bullshit” By, Raj Narayanan.

Customer pulls in on Saturday and filled 50 bucks in her disheveled pickup. Singh handled it. I had already left for the day. Customer returns just now irate as hell.

Customer: “Which one of you filled my car on Saturday night?”

Singh: “That would be me.”

Customer: “My car is making all kinds of noises. You filled half my tank with water!”

Singh: “What water? That’s impossible.”

He hits Print on the underground storage tank monitoring system and shows it to her.

“No water. 0 gallons and 0 inches in all 3 tanks. See for yourself Ma’am.”

Rajeev: “If half your tank had water in it, you wouldn’t be able to drive off this lot let alone drive for 2 days and come back.”

You can tell that she really wanted to say something, but instead she got back into her ratty piece of shit and drove off.

The Bald Delta Brothers 1, The Stupid Moron 0.

Monday March 18, 2013:
Snapshot_20130318_1

So, the distinguished Mr. Singh just rolled in here with a shaved head. Apparently he took 2 shots of whiskey last night and decided to boycott hair. I think I’m rubbing off on him a leeeeetle too much folks. I swear. If he comes in tomorrow with a Van Dyke, I’m firing myself…

Monday March 18, 2013:
5:45am. First car to pull in.

Customer: “$6 card.”

Rajeev: “We have a $10 minimum for card transactions Sir.”

Customer: “Well fuck you then. Just give me 10.”

As the car was filling, I went into the mechanic’s back office and screamed it out. If I hadn’t, I would have probably wound up in jail for pulling this bastard out of his car by his neck.

Well kids, I hope your Monday morning starts out better than mine….

We’ll get to the obvious rudeness in a sec. But, if you have $10, why the fuck would you put in $6? Do these people not value their time? My God I just don’t get it. So much of their life is wasted at a gas station.

As for his colorful remark, well let’s just say that if I ever come to find out that he has dropped dead, I’d being dancing on his grave butt naked while playing the ukulele…

Saturday March 16, 2013:
Customer in a cargo van pulls in. Jovial guy. He asks Singh to fill it up.

Customer: “So, do you think it will go over $100?”

Singh: “Yes. I say over a hundred.”

Customer: “Tell ya what. Let’s bet on it. Winner gives the loser coffee money. I say it won’t break triple digits.”

Singh: “Deal.”

Came out to $103 and change. Just one gallon over. And a man of his word, he hands Singh $1.50.

See now folks? These are the type of customers that restores my faith in humanity….

Saturday March 16, 2013:
John Blue Pickup 02

“Karma is a Bitch That Drives a Blue Pickup” By, Raj Narayanan.

*I warn you now. This rant contains a ton of profanity, ’cause that’s how I feel. However, the story does have a happy ending.*

A few weeks back, a fairly regular customer filled up $10 worth and forgot his wallet at home. He said he’ll be right back. I let him go. 2 days later he returns and pays. He apologizes for not coming back that same day and says that he’s grateful that I let him drive off without asking for collateral and/or calling the cops. We’ll call this back story “The Setup.”

Last Monday, 5 days ago, the ‘wife’ of this guy pulls in with the same blue truck. She asks for $25 worth while talking to her husband on the phone. After I fill, she says that ‘he’ will be right over to pay. Okay fine. I took down her license plate number, took a screen shot of the surveillance footage, and let her go. I put up her credentials on the “Wall of Shame” in my office and debrief Singh.

4 days go by. 4 days! I’m getting increasingly angry. Where the fuck are these two?! Mentally, I’m fighting with myself. Should I call the cops? What should I do? In my head, I had decided that if an entire week went by, I would escalate the issue.

Fast forward to yesterday afternoon. Singh notices the blue pickup filling up at the CITGO! That fucken cheating piece of fucken shit. How dare you? This is not the case of “Oh I forgot.” This is now malicious and intentional. At the time, we had 4 cars here, so Singh couldn’t do anything about it.

Lucky for us, after her fill, she drove up this way and went into the 7-Eleven. Bingo! Singh grabs the piece of paper off the wall, tells Dave (mechanic) that he’ll be right back, and confronts the conniving wench in front of everyone in the store.

“You owe us $25. You pay me now or I’m calling the cops!”

Completely embarrassed, she begs him not to and sheepishly hands Singh $25. Game over you waste of a life.

I fucken hate dishonest people. They all deserve to live in poverty. Fuck you. I’m trying to run an honest business here. I didn’t slight you, so what the hell?! In fact, I did you a bloody favor. Twice! I really do wish bad things to happen to her degenerate ass.

THE END. Time to eat my peanut butter and jelly sandwich….

Friday March 15, 2013:
Customer comes in asking for $1.50 worth of gas and winds up being 7 cents short. I’m going to escalate this one. This is a job for Superman….

Oh we got the uber responsible ones coming in today. Nothing but change. And it’s not because they are in dire straights. It’s because smoking cigarettes is way more important that transportation. Obviously….

Friday March 15, 2013:
It never ceases to amaze me just how ridiculous some of my customers are. Roll in here high as anything. Smoking the joint as they roll down their window. I’m fluttering like crazy as the haze runs up my nostrils. Cops right across the street at the 7-Eleven. Not a care in the world.

Do they have the world’s biggest balls or just don’t care about life in general? Could go either way really….

Thursday March 14, 2013:
Customer pulls in all sloppily. It was bad enough that I had to ask her to move up twice since I guess she assumed that her gas tank and front window were the same thing.

Customer: “How much is it for credit?”

Rajeev: “10 cents more per gallon Ma’am.”

Customer: “Oh shit. Fuck. Oh God.”

Rajeev: “How much gas were you planning on getting?”

Customer: “$10.”

“Arithmetic.” Eh. It’s not for everybody….

$10 gets you under 3 gallons. How much did I really slight her, a fucken Chiclet?! The way she was losing her mind you would think she was filling up an 18 wheeler….

Thursday March 14, 2013:
Rules of Owning a Gas Station, #37.4: Try to buffer at least 1 1/2 days worth of safety stock just in case something colorful happens.

My overnight delivery never showed up. Called my supplier who’s now trying to get in touch with the trucking company they subcontract to. Apparently, an entire tanker truck containing 8,000 gallons of fuel has gone MIA. Yaaaay?

Wednesday March 13, 2013:
I’ve probably already said this, but reiteration is good.

If you don’t treat money with respect, it will never treat you with respect.

Handing me dollar bills that are all crumpled up into a ball is a clear reflection on how you run your life. Not to mention the fact that your callousness negatively impacts my efficiency. Wake up and recognize….

Monday March 11, 2013:
Gentleman comes in to fill $20 in his diesel can. Steps out of his car to chat it up.

Customer: “So, where’s the boss today, took the day off?”

Rajeev (thinking he was joking): “He’ll be here in a few hours.”

Customer: “Yeah he told me the other day that he bought this place over?”

Rajeev: “Yup, he sure did.”

Customer: “That’s nice. He’s a great guy. Must be nice to work for a person like him.”

Rajeev: “Oh totally.”

Ummm….yeah….

Sunday March 10, 2013:

That “HOLY SHIT MY GAS STATION IS GOING TO F’N BLOW UP MOMENTARILY AND WHY THE HELL IS SINGH JUST CHATTING IT UP WITH THE 7-ELEVEN EMPLOYEE THAT’S ABOUT TO START HIS SHIFT?!” look when you’re leisurely sipping scotch on your one day off and casually log into your surveillance cameras to just to check up on things.

“Lighting and Angles.” It can seriously mean the difference between having a good night and just shitting yourself.

Tell me that car doesn’t look like it’s on fire….

Saturday March 9, 2013:
photo (11)

A $20 bill from 1934 just rolled through. Not that it’s worth anything more than its face value, but still pretty cool that it’s still in circulation and in decent shape….

Saturday March 9, 2013:
With the sunny 60 degree weather we’re having today, I’m seeing many of my customers without a hat for the first time. Turns out many of them are actually balding.

How embarrassing….

Saturday March 9, 2013:
Whenever Singh doesn’t perfectly line up the previous day’s report and receipts, I take out the staple and make it all nice and pretty.

Does that make me organized’ or a candidate for OCD?

In other news, today is the first day I’ve pumped gas without 6 layers of clothing or a hat in months. Totally feels naughty….

Friday March 8, 2013:
417610_10151491276777838_478607589_n

Tried to get a good shot, but I saw him too late. I think it’s clear enough though.

There goes “Budweiser Bicycle Guy” again. This time at 10am through the snow. Dedication y’all. We can all learn a thing or two here….

Friday March 8, 2013:
Customer: “$10 card. It’s a Debit. You can just give me the cash price.”

Rajeev: “Well I appreciate that man, but I’m just going to go ahead and charge you the credit price instead.”

What a lovely customer. So giving…..

Friday March 8, 2013:
Anyone who makes me come out for under $5 of gas in this cold snowy weather deserves a punch in the face….

Thursday March 7, 2013:
To piggyback on my last post, it’s amusing what folks will do to try and come off as “cool” to “society” (whoever that is). I guess the older we get, the more ridiculous it looks. Or at least it should. After about 21, you should have better self-esteem and those high school insecurities should have dissipated. So, when I see it occur well into adulthood, well I just have to blog about it! I mean seriously. Would you expect anything less from me?!

Customer pulls in blasting his music. I mean if his stereo went to 11, he’d go there. And he wouldn’t turn it down long enough for me to hear how much he wanted filled. So, of course I’m going “what? what?” a thousand times. Finally he held up a 10 and went about his business. Okay seriously? Who the hell are you trying to impress? It’s only me here.

I remember in high school the further you reclined your front seat, the “cooler” you were. I never was that guy though. Wasn’t a very comfortable driving position for me.

The dumbass thing I used to do was blast my stereo at stoplights. As if that was going to make a girl hop out of her car and jump onto my lap! These days, it’s the exact opposite. I purposely turn it ‘down.’ It’s mainly ’cause I don’t want anyone knowing that I’m wigging out to “Dancing Queen.”

Thursday March 7, 2013:
photo (10)

Folks, I kinda need your help on this one. Just for my own personal reference.

At what point is it no longer cool to put an unnecessarily loud and over sized tailpipe on your POS car?

Any assistance that you can provide would be greatly appreciated….

Thursday March 7, 2013:
That awkward embarrassing feeling you get when you start talking to a customer as you set up the pump, only to turn around and realize that they have closed their window and not even paying attention to you.

Hate when that happens….

Thursday March 7, 2013:
Ladies & Gentlemen, if it’s early in the morning, if you plan on getting less than $20 worth of gas, and if you plan on paying for that with a $100 bill, kindly be a little courteous and proactive. Tell your gas attendant the minute you pull in, so that he can run inside and break it for you. Otherwise, it tremendously slows down productivity when other cars start coming in. Thank you and enjoy your morning….

Wednesday March 6, 2013:
Bathroom Before 01

“Bathroom Duties” By, Raj Narayanan.

Ever wonder why I’m so protective over a gas station bathroom? Kindly observe Exhibit A. When I invested in this place 11 months ago, THAT is what my throne looked like. Yeah. Exactly.

That is precisely the reason why I had it completely gutted and redone. And here at the Delta we go to great lengths to maintain its cleanliness. No gas? No pee pees….

Tuesday March 5, 2013:
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For those of you who haven’t come down yet, it just occurred to me that I never showed you this point of view. Was just going through all the photos I’ve taken thus far. This was taken on my very first day here.

This is how close the 7-Eleven is to me. Sometimes I feel that parking lot should have its own reality show. Especially during the warm season. I’ve seen arguments, fender benders, near wardrobe malfunctions. Fun times….

Tuesday March 5, 2013:
dave

We here at the Delta and Brooks Auto Repair would like to recognize President Nixon and webbed feet animals for their contributions to the United States of America….

Tuesday March 5, 2013:
I can tell which side your tank is on even before your back tires hit this lot, just by observing the make and model. So, why can’t you?! You ‘own’ the fricken car!

All Men were definitely not created equal. And even if they were, a few of them were obviously dropped on their head as a child.

You guys should let me ‘redo’ the driver’s manual and the written test you have to take. It would be one epic manuscript saturated with an unnecessary amount of sarcasm.

We here at the Delta Gas Station feel that we would be doing an injustice if we just catered to the absent-minded ways of grown ass adults. Therefore, I have refrained from replacing these standard length hoses with the reach-around ones until they completely wear and tear….

Monday March 4, 2013:
photo (9)

“It’s The Thought That Counts, Right?” by Raj Narayanan.

Gentlemen pulls in from our Chamberlain Street entrance to use his cell phone. And obviously I use the phrase “pulls in” very loosely. He’s completely jetting out onto the road yapping on his phone. It’s not like we have an ENTIRE parking lot for him to safely use.

Not the dumbest maneuver, as I’ve seen plenty of stupid shit here. But, certainly not the smartest either…

Monday March 4, 2013:
Oh, so I totally forgot to mention this earlier. At 9:45am, I saw a guy bike up the road holding a 12 pack of Budweiser in one hand.

Dedication? You don’t know dedication until you’ve reach ‘that’ level of commitment….

Saturday March 2, 2013:

Oh hey kids! Here at the Delta, you not only get quality gas and a smile. This is ‘Murica damn it. You get free dance lessons with every fill up!

But, just be careful. Sometimes Crazy Joey gets a ‘lil….well crazy. When he “went for it” and copped a feel, that’s when I had to end the lesson. But, we double high five’d it and made up. We’re all good now.

The best part of this video is Singh’s deer in headlights “what in the living hell are they doing” look. It wasn’t until the end that he realized that we were just clowning around. Priceless.

Yeah. It’s pretty much Romper Room 24/7 here folks. Never a dull moment….

Saturday March 2, 2013:
Sometimes I have visions of Singh and I breaking out into Wham’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” while dancing around the pumps. It’s starting to become a real problem.

“Jitterbug….Jitterbug….Jitterbug….Jitterbug….”

Saturday March 2, 2013:
photo (8)

Sorry folks. But, it had to be done. It was really starting to make my blood boil. Besides, it’s been a while since I put up a new sign. Bunch of savages in this town…

Friday March 1, 2013:

“Dumber and Dumber” By, Raj Narayanan.

First customer pulls in and instead of lining herself up on the right side, she drives to the left of the pumps. As she circles around, “Dumber” comes in. All she had to do was pull up to the front pump. But, why? That would be too easy.

She proceeds to EXIT the gas station, drives around, re-enters, and swings around to the right side of the pump. Like she could not have done that the first time around?! By the time she’s all ready to get filled, the front car is done, and she coolly moves forward.

Now, normally I would dub in some kind of instrumental music, but we here at the Delta are having an MJ kinda day. If you turn up the volume, you’ll hear….

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