May 2013

Friday May 31, 2013:

Oh God someone please make it stop….

Thursday May 30, 2013:
“Yo man, if my girl shows you her titty, can we get the propane for free?”

“I’m sure they’re just fine Miss, but no. $18 please.”

Yeppers. It was only a matter of time before THAT happened. Although? It does give me an idea.

“Breasts For Burgers” Campaign? Hmm….

Thursday May 30, 2013:
“For better results, please hang up and send a text message.”

In talking with a customer, we both expressed our distaste for phone calls. Text, email, or in person. That’s what this gentleman has as his voicemail.

Utter brilliance….

Thursday May 30, 2013:

Pretty self-explanatory really. Were you this stupid as a kid?

Thursday May 30, 2013:
A guys comes in here at 6:00am asking for $4 of gas and pays with a $100 bill.

Rajeev: “Just one minute. Have to run inside to break this.”

Customers belts out the biggest sigh followed by “Dude I’m in a hurry!”

Permission to tell him to go fuck himself?

Wednesday May 29, 2013:

‘Murica. Redneck ‘Murica. Umm in New Jersey….

Tuesday May 28, 2013:
When I first took this place over last year, I extended lines of credit to some of my regulars. As you know, most of them took advantage of me and that quickly ended my generosity.

There was one gentleman, however, that I continued to help out. Real nice guy. Not only has he been a regular of mine, but within 2 days he would come back and pay me. Usually asked for $20 worth at a time.

It had been a week since we last saw him. Very unusual. It is with the utmost disappointment that I report that Singh saw him filling up at Citgo yesterday evening. He NEVER fills at Citgo. He’s been MY customer for the last one year.

I will see him again. And I will eventually collect the $20. But, it’s the blatant disregard of humanity that really hurts me.

No one can be trusted around here. I’ve gone to great lengths to avoid making that conclusion. I have lived in denial. And now I have finally opened up my eyes….

Monday May 27, 2013:

“We’re All The Same Inside” By, Raj Narayanan.

So, I get a delivery over the weekend. Just happened to glance at the Bill of Lading now. Check out what I marked in red. Do you see The Flavor of The Week?

Thaaaaat’s right. “Citgo.” So, now I’m selling Citgo gas 3 cents cheaper than the CITGO across the street! Woo hoo!

Gotta love the marketing bullshit behind the fueling industry….

Monday May 27, 2013:
“Barbecued Scam” by Singh is King.

Well folks, it was only a matter of time before some douchebag tried to cheat us on propane. Only took a year. This occurred yesterday when I wasn’t around.

If you have an older propane tank, sometimes it fills with air. It will feel heavy as if there was propane in it. We have a bleeder valve on hand and we’ll purge your tank for free. Why? ‘Cause we’re brown and sexy. But, let me not digress.

After this 5 minute repair, Singh gives her propane and she takes off. 3 hours later, she returns. 3 HOURS later. This time with an attitude problem.

“You never filled my tank you cheater. You owe me another tank’s worth!”

Are you mad woman? Do you not know that Singh is King? Either she used up the propane in those 3 hours or brought back another empty tank. Whatever the case, Singh was onto her. After cursing him out, she leaves vowing to never return.

She should have at least brought back some food to soften the blow before trying to bend us over.

And the Delta Dumbass Award goes to….

Monday May 27, 2013:

Really?! Really with this? Some folks are just flippin’ jack wagons.

These ignorant asses don’t have any respect. What if someone drove over the hose and ripped a hole in it? I would have to pay for the replacement. I really do wish bad things to happen to these kinds of people….

Monday May 27, 2013:

Max is learning how to drive today. Wish him luck….

Friday May 24, 2013:
“Can you fill it up with the ahh no lead kind?”

I couldn’t remember what she said, so I walked into my asbestos office, grabbed a lead pencil, and wrote it down….

Friday May 24, 2013:

“Possible Future Mass Shooter” By, A Concerned Narayanan.

I think you guys know me by now. I call it like I see it. Sometimes I’m right, sometimes I’m wrong. At the end of the day, it’s just one brown man’s opinion. That said….

Yesterday, a woman pulls in with a beautiful brand new black Camaro. I had just left. Singh was pumping.

Lady: “Is debit the same as cash here?”

Singh: “No Ma’am. We don’t have the machine to do that. Card transactions are all the same. Credit price.”

Folks, please keep in mind that NO FUEL was exchanged. Ever.

Lady steps out of her car, picks her little dog up with her left hand, and opens her mouth.

“Are you fucking kidding me? You cheating fuck. This is ridiculous!”

She then proceeds to charge Singh. I’m not even joking folks. She gets in his face with her right fist in boxing formation. Dog still in tow in her left.

“I demand to see the manager!”

I had left for the day, so Singh directs her to Dave. She proceeds to walk into the office. They exchange some words. And then she gets back in her car and leaves. She pulls into the Citgo and it appears that she got some amount of gas.

Some time later, Singh sees the Citgo Gas Attendant walk up to the 7-Eleven to get a cup of coffee. We’re all friends around here. So, Singh inquires.

Turns out that after Citgo told her the EXACT SAME THING (10 cents higher for debit/credit transactions). She winds up getting $10 worth of gas in cash. At 3 cents higher mind you. Citgo is always 3 cents higher per gallon than us.

One word Ladies & Gentlemen: REALLY?!

Mental Illness Profiling in full effect. Ding Ding Ding! If I was there, I’d get her credentials and report her to someone. This behavior is NOT normal!

I hope I’m wrong on this one….

Friday May 24, 2013:

“Oh That Guy? He’s Just A Wannabe Better Business Bureau Intern!” By Raj Narayanan.

This morning, a customer drives in asking for $20 on his card. As fuel was dispensing, he glances over at our lovely yellow sign where it shows Regular Cash Price, Regular Credit Price, and Diesel Price Same For Cash or Credit.

Customer: “I’m getting the cash price right?”

Rajeev: “No. You’re charging it. You’re getting the credit price.”

Customer: “What the fuck?!” (Customer immediately jumps out of his car and stops the pump).

“This is bullshit. You’re cheating me asshole. It says the same price for cash or credit!”

I glance over at the pump. $19.48. So, I swipe his card for exactly $19.48 and complete the transaction. He only asked for 20 bucks folks. Yet, he did cartwheels to stop the bloody thing.

As I was walking back, I noticed him taking pictures of my pump and the sign.

Rajeev: “Is there an issue man? You’re welcome to call the cops if you feel that you’ve been slighted.”

Customer: “Cops won’t do shit. I’m calling the Better Business Bureau on your dot head ass. I’ve seen the latest news articles. All you fuckers are out to cheat us.”

Rajeev: “If you like, I can call them for you. In fact, why don’t I call the Ocean County Division of Consumer Affairs? They were just here some time ago doing routine checks.”

Customers curses me off and drives away.

I ain’t gonna lie folks. A part of me hopes he actually follows through. These signs have been in place for over 15 years. I think it would be fun to explain this story to the authorities.

Never a dull moment here at the Delta….

Friday May 24, 2013:

Okay. Let’s start posting some stories. Here’s a “Feel Good” one before I get to the “Train wrecks.”

Just yesterday, I had some family over who I hadn’t seen in a long time. I caught them up on my first year of entrepreneurship. Naturally, Singh became the focal point of the conversation. I noted that a guy like him is hard to come by. We’re pumping gas folks. Nothing magnanimous or earth shattering. However, Singh always goes up and beyond the call of duty. He treats his job like he’s the owner. And here’s another beautiful example.

One button on our pump has been broken for some time. We’ve had to strategically dispense fuel as a result. To be honest, I’ve been waiting for another thing to go wrong before contacting my repair guy. Just the service call alone would be $50 to $75. Then the cost of the actual repair.

This one gentleman happened to be in the area and came into the station to fill up. Singh, as cordial as always, struck up a conversation. As soon as he found out his profession, Singh asked our customer if he could look into this problem real quick. He obliged. He opened up the pump, fixed the electronics, and we got back in action. We’re looking at a $100+ repair here folks. And he did it for free. All he asked was that the owner (me) take in his business card.

2 “Feel Good” stories in one. Singh is a gas attendant. He doesn’t get paid any more or any less if something goes wrong. Yet, he had my best interest in mind and made this happen. Up and beyond the call of duty folks.

Mr. Domin, Sir, if you were local, you would be my new go-to service technician. If I was present, I would shake your hand. So, the least I can do now is promote you on Facebook. Ladies & Gentlemen, if you know a gas station owner in north Jersey, please pass his credentials along.

Good folks still exist. And that’s just plain awesome….

Friday May 24, 2013:
Customer: “$3.40.”

Rajeev: “Travelling far this long weekend, huh?”

He didn’t find it funny. I don’t know folks. I thought it was pretty flippin’ hilarious….

Friday May 24, 2013:

He should have used a ‘black’ garbage bag. At least then he would have tinted windows….

Thursday May 23, 2013:
Customer just came in blasting “Sick As A Dog” by Aerosmith. ‘Finally’ some decent music around here.

Now, don’t get me wrong folks. I can always appreciate such family classics as “Nigga This and Nigga That” or “Nigga Is Gonna Bend This Bitch Over And Then Make A Grilled Cheese.” But, sometimes it’s nice to spice things up….

Wednesday May 22, 2013:
Customers asks for $3 of gas and then proceeds to sit there on the phone for several minutes with her car running. Do you want to tell her that she just burned up those 3 bucks, or should I?

Monday May 21, 2013:

I gotta be honest folks. 2 Indians. Working outdoors. Pumping gas. Excessive heat for Spring time. Sweating profusely through every orifice.

Umm yeah. Reaaaally not helping to dismiss the stereotype….

Saturday May 18, 2013:
A guy in a Mercedes SUV just drove in here and asked if we could spot him $50 of gas until Tuesday.

Boys & Girls, today’s lesson is called “Mismanagement of Funds.”

Saturday May 18, 2013:
Too Many Inefficient Levels of Bureaucratic Bullshit, Example #453: “My Worker’s Compensation Audit.”

As you may recall, I had an audit done by my Worker’s Compensation company a few weeks back. It was the same day the illegal Mexican drove off with the nozzle still in his tank. Anyways, they just wanted to see if my premiums needed to be adjusted after completing my first year of entrepreneurship.

Prior to this day, I had asked them if I could just email whatever numbers they needed from me. The answer was no. A representative will have to come on sight. Okay fine.

Folks, all he did was take one line from each of my quarterly payroll reports and punch it into a custom spreadsheet. Instantaneously, it adjusted my premiums and spit out my renewal policy. It went up despite the fact that I did not have any incidents during my first year (There’s a surprise).

Yesterday, I was shocked to actually receive a bill for the audit itself: $379! $379 to take 4 numbers and do 5 minutes of data entry. Are you bloody kidding me with this?! I most certainly could have just emailed them the reports in a nice PDF.

To quote Leo Getz, “They fuck you at the drive thru!”

I think I’m gonna cancel my policy and take the “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” approach to Worker’s Compensation: “It’s just a flesh wound!”

Friday May 17, 2013:
Customer fills $3 worth and asks me for a receipt. I don’t know what’s worse — Thinking that I might be cheating him out of $3 of gas or the fact that he’s actually going to expense $3 of gas.

Yeah. You’re probably right. He just needs the paper to roll his “tobacco.”

Friday May 17, 2013:

I’m running around like a chicken without its head this morning. What are you doing? Still making YouTube videos expressing your “outrage” over Mr. Abercrombie & Fitch while Washington tries to dig themselves out of corruption Hell?

Stay prioritized America….

Thursday May 16, 2013:

“Just ‘Cause You’re a Fucken Moron, It Doesn’t Mean We’re Trying To Cheat You.”

Customer pulls in and asks to fill it up Credit. Came out to $52.76. Singh completes the transaction and hands him the receipt.

“This doesn’t show price or gallons. Can I get a pump receipt?”

Singh: “Sure no problem.”

Customer: “Why the hell did you charge me 10 cents more?! The sign says same price for cash and credit. You’re cheating me!”

Singh: “No Sir. The board clearly shows Regular Cash and Regular Credit Price. Only Diesel is the same.”

Customer: “This is bullshit. You’re all the same. I’m never coming back here again.”

I love warm and fuzzy stories like this, don’t you?

Monday May 13, 2013:
The 2nd owner of this very gas station just pulled in to have Dave fix his car. Place opened in 1959 and he took it over in 1962. Cars were cooler. People were cooler. What I would do to get a glimpse of its heyday….

Monday May 13, 2013:
Ladies, if I can smell your perfume from inside my office (with the door closed), you’re wearing too much. Just shower. It makes it easier on everyone….

Wednesday May 8, 2013:
UPDATE from 4/23/13 incident: Ladies & Gentlemen, if you plan on cheating this old Delta Gas Station, don’t pull into the 7-Eleven to get a cup of coffee you dumbass. To those who haven’t been here, I can literally throw a stone through their window. That’s how close we are.

Yesterday, 3 WEEKS LATER, Singh noticed this guy’s truck. When he came out of the store, Singh gave him the “look.”

And the rest is history. $20 restored….

Tuesday May 7, 2013:
So, we’ve all read my many stories of customers constantly running on fumes and filling up $2 here, $3 there.

But, now I have a gentleman with the opposite issue. He never lets his car burn more than 5 gallons at a time. His tank capacity is probably at 15 or 16 gallons. He comes in here every other day and asks me to fill it up. And it ‘never’ goes past $15.

I don’t see the logic in that at all. Can someone please enlighten me? Thanks. XoXo. Kissy face, kissy face…

Wednesday May 2, 2013:
photo (4)

Here’s another beauty that Dave here at Brooks Auto Repair is working on. ’77. All original except for the engine, which Dave himself worked on many moons ago. Over 400 horses.

Just thought it’s rather fitting that the make and model is an Oldsmobile Delta 88.

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