November 2013

Friday November 29, 2013:
Multi-car Accident

MAJOR MULTI CAR ACCIDENT has occurred on Dover Road right in front of the station. The whole strip has been shut down for a half hour now. Cop cars, ambulances, and spectators everywhere. Everyone congregating at the station.

I just happened to log into the cameras when I saw all the lights. Finally got a hold of Singh. He assured me that the incident did not occur at the station itself. Thank God for that! Still, with all these people hanging around, it kind of makes me nervous.

If anyone is in South Toms River and knows exactly what happened, please let me know. If you need me, I’ll be glued to my cameras to make sure no one tries anything stupid at my place of business….

Thursday November 28, 2013:

“Bunch of Coneheads!”

As you guys know, we closed at 2pm yesterday for Thanksgiving. I put up a total of 3 signs a couple of days in advance. I even put up 2 cones to signify that we are not here.

Well kids? Driving with your eyes open is for losers. We were on our 2nd scotch at home when we saw this piece of loveliness. We all had a good laugh. And now you will too….

Thursday November 28, 2013:
Home is where family lies for the sole purpose of driving you absolutely bananas and loving you unconditionally. Aaaand that’s exactly where we’re headed.

Singh hops in my car and we’re out! The always diabolical Delta is officially closed! We’ll see you bright and early at 5:45am tomorrow morning.

Happy Thanksgiving kids!

Thursday November 28, 2013:
Propane is really moving today. Lots of deep-fried turkeys are about to happen. Sure hope the South Toms River Fire Department is on high alert….

*UPDATE: Aaaand what happened 10 minutes after I posted this? A fire truck with its sirens blaring speeds past the station….

Monday November 25, 2013:

Dear Economy: Please bounce back. It’s getting crazy out there. Love, Rajeev.

Remember these ginormous $1 coins? 23 of them came to us in exchange for gas. Dipping into your coin collection to get from point A to point B is never a good thing.

Again, I want to stress that we all should give a helping hand as we enter the 2013 holiday season. Please do the right thing and play your part to advance Humanity….

Monday November 25, 2013:
photo (1)

HOT OFF THE PRESS! I just got word from upper management.

Everyone deserves a home cooked meal with family. With Singh’s immediate unit in the motherland, we’re setting an extra seat at the Narayanan table. It’s the least we can do.

It’s not about business. It’s about family. I rather take a big hit and close early than have this man be alone on Thanksgiving.

Oh we’re going to get soooo hammered together. Aaaaaaand then both of us will wake up with hangovers and go pump some fuel. 4:30am. Bright and early.


Monday November 25, 2013:

Complimentary windshield washing with purchase of 37 cents of gas….

Monday November 25, 2013:
“$10. Can you pull the gas lever for me? My hands are cold.”

‘Cause clearly working out here for the last 4 hours has made my hands oh so warm and toasty.

Why are people so ridiculous?

Friday November 22, 2013:
A customer pulls up for a $20 fill. Fiddles around for a bit.

“Just a sec. I’m so sorry. There. Did I get it did I get it?”

“Yup. You’re good.”

“Awesome! I’ve been practicing!”

Ummm oooooooookay?

I now have visions of this woman sitting in her driveway “practicing.” Frustrated. Sweating bullets. On the brink of tears.

Every time she went for it, she wound up opening the trunk. “Damn it! Fucken A!” She gets out of the car, slams the trunk shut, gets back in, and tries again. And again. And again.

Finally, when she got it right for the very first time, it must have been like having a silky chocolate orgasm on a waterbed filled with red wine.


Thursday November 21, 2013:
I just heard the most amazing voice on a customer. So deep. So sultry. The type of voice where if you heard it over the phone, you would envision him having a body like Arnold with a Denzel face. It just makes you want to pour salt and pepper all over that fine piece of machinery and lick it off. Mmmm mmmm. What a man. What a man.

There was only one real issue though. He was a woman.

Ladies, please quit smoking before it’s too late.

*This has been a public service announcement from the Cynical Gas Attendant.*

Friday November 15, 2013:
GAS INCREASE UPDATE: Some refineries have moved to refining heating oil for the short term. Industry big wigs are “speculating” that this will cause a temporary shortage in gasoline. Therefore, oil companies have raised their prices, and gas station retailers are forced to follow suit.

If you think that no matter what gas stations are money makers, then please stick with me on this one, and I’ll dispel that myth.

When the oil market spikes this quickly, we often don’t have the time, money, and/or capacity to react. We live our lives 8,000 gallons at a time. We have to buy in quantities of full tanker truckloads.

Rich gas station owners with big stations on major roads with high capacity storage levels will stockpile. They will buy multiple loads when the price is low and hold them for situations like this.

Then? There’s little old me. I don’t have the money to buy more than 8,000 gallons at a time. And I don’t have the capacity even if I wanted to. Regardless of the market, my replenishment point is always when I reach 1 to 1 1/2 days of safety stock.

For those who are local, you know that the New Jersey Turnpike and the Garden State Parkway change their prices only once a week – on Friday mornings. Well, they filled those suckers ahead of time. Their selling price is going to wind up being my cost price tomorrow!

What does that mean? It means that I will be losing money this coming week. And it’s one of those situations where I will have to pull money from my personal account (as I’m on my own payroll) and put it back into the business just to cover my overhead and expenses.

It’s a very shitty stressful situation. It is what it is though.

Not all stations will increase their prices at the same time. It all depends on where their current inventory levels are. Some folks may get through this temporary spike. Some won’t. So, don’t be surprised if one station went waaaaay up, while someone else is still holding at under $3 a gallon.

And if you hear someone blaming Obama for this, do me a favor and punch them in the face for me. I’m not a fan of his policies, but he’s not sitting in the Oval Office with a button and acting like Emeril Lagasse. “BAM! I just kicked it up a notch!”

Not even close folks….

Wednesday November 13, 2013:
Here at the always colorful Delta, we like to work with the rude and classless. It’s almost like a personal challenge.

Can we rehabilitate them? Can we instill some courtesy into their lives?

For the last 6 months, I’ve had this regular customer frequent the station. 3 times a week. Had that “I’m cooler than you” look to him. Never responded when I said Good Morning or Have a Nice Day.

But, I persevered. I never lashed out. Never gave him my signature sarcasm. I just kept working him each and every time he drove in.

Over the last 2 weeks, significant progress was made. It started out with a simple “Okay” after I told him to have a good day.

Just now, HE initiated small talk and we chatted it up for the entire duration of his $20 fill. And even before I could send him off, he told ME to “Have a nice day.”

Validation. A very proud moment for this Rajeev Laxman Narayanan.

And you people thought gas attendants just pump gas. Shame on you….

Wednesday November 13, 2013:
Just got my 2nd tip of the morning and it’s only 6:30am. I’m kinda liking this 27 degree temps we got going on here.

My dear residents of New Jersey: If you have the strength, if you have the heart, keep your windows down during the duration of your fill. The worst part about working out in the cold is not necessarily the obvious. But, it’s the severe decrease in human interaction. No more small talk. Most customers will roll back up their windows to stay warm.

So, if your gas attendant is friendly, continue to chat it up throughout the wintry season. And if you have the means, throw him a buck. All it takes is two $1 tips for a nice cup of coffee. And a Chiclet to get rid of that nasty coffee breath later….

Monday November 11, 2013:
Aaaand now for the pièce de résistance. Obnoxious incident #3 that just completely rubbed me the wrong way.

A tall diesel truck came in for a fill and blocked the surveillance camera. Otherwise, I would have posted screenshots, or perhaps even a video. But, stay with me on this one.

A fairly regular customer of mine pulled in as I was tending to this truck. I see her. She sees me. Yet, she still honked the horn. Typically gets $20 at a time. Smug. Just someone who looks like she deserves a smack in the face. Has that “I’m better than you” aura about her.

She only opens her window a crack. And do you know how she pays me? She doesn’t hand me the $20 bill like a normal human being. Nope. This customer hangs the money over the window. Apparently, the less she has to exist in my presence the better.

Well, this time the wind kicked up the $20 and blew it away. I had to go running after it like a mad man. Finally caught up with it.

So, what does she do? Nothing. No apology. Not a peep. So, as she was driving off, I yelled out “You’re not welcome here anymore. I don’t get paid enough to deal with a bitch like you!” I just lost it.

Did she hear all that? I sure hope so. I really hope so actually.

Folks, here’s the key takeaway:

Once you think that you’re better than someone because of how they earn a paycheck, humanity falls apart. Your job or any type of materialism doesn’t define your character. If you think it does, if you think your expensive car or a $1,000 suit makes you elite, then you truly are a piece of shit. And I want absolutely nothing to do with your shallow ass. XoXo Kissy face, kissy face….

Monday November 11, 2013:
Tales From The Rude and Classless, #2:

Customer pulls in for a $20 fill. A few moments later a car pulls in behind him. A regular of mine. So, I begin to chat it up. Then, I hear this coming from the front car:

“Hey, am I done? Why don’t you stop talking and do your job? I’m in a hurry.”

Oh I’m sorry asshole, is your neck broken? ‘Cause all he really had to do was turn his head to the left and see that gas was still dispensing.

“Excuse me Sir, but your gas is still pumping. I’m on it. There’s just no need for that.”

Folks, let me explain something. NEVER EVER expect ANYONE to cater to you because you’re the degenerate who is running late. It’s not anyone else’s fault that you hit snooze one too many times this morning.

Serenity now?

Monday November 11, 2013:
Refusal To Move Up

3 instances involving obnoxious wastes of life all occurred within the last half hour. Here’s story #1. It’s amazing I haven’t killed anyone yet.

A guy in a van pulls in. Even before he stops he’s slamming on his horn. Situates himself by the front pump.

“$20 cash. And a receipt. I’m in a hurry.”

“Can you move up Sir?”

“Does it fucken matter?! There’s no one behind me.”

“Relax dude. Why you giving me shit? Just in case someone comes in.”

Mumbling something under his breath, he finally moves up. 1 minute later, a car pulls in behind him.

Although you can’t see it on the surveillance screenshot, I boisterously point to the car and yell out to the guy.

“See?! THAT’S the reason why.”

Rajeev 1. Douchebag 0….

Friday November 8, 2013:
“Listen To Ya Momma Child!”

A teenager and his Mom pull in for a $10 fill. At the end, I gave my typical send off.

“Thank you. Have a great day.”

Kid says nothing.

“Boy you better say Thank You! I know I didn’t raise you like that!”

Mother 1. Son 0.

Rajeev’s Satisfaction Level? +2,000….

Thursday November 7, 2013:
Customers drives up in a brand new BMW 3 Series. Noticeably flat tire.

“Do you charge for air?”

“Yes. It’s $1. I have quarters if you need change.”

“$1?! Some stations have air for free!”

“That’s great. This station charges $1.”

The guy responds with a “No thanks” and drives off.

Folks, let me see if I have this right, okay? Spends 40 grand on a car. And he would rather continue driving on a flat tire than spend a buck.

Society, this is why we can’t have nice things!

Tuesday November 5, 2013:
So, a customer drives in blasting “Beware of the Boys (Knight Rider edit)” by Panjabi MC and Jay Z. Kept giving me this goofy smile. I ignore it. Turns the stereo up thinking that I may not have heard it. He turns back to see my expression. Again that goofy smile. And again I ignore him. Disappointed, he turns it back down, pays for his fuel, and drives off.

I’m not quite sure what he really expected me to do? Rip off my winter coat to reveal a mean kurta and break out into some kick ass Bhangra around the pumps? A little change the light bulb, pet the dog? Maybe a ‘lil head bobbing? Huh? Huh?

That’s like me blasting “Nigga Nigga Nigga” by Gangsta Rap every time a Black customer comes in here.

Bunch of racist savages in this town….

Monday November 4, 2013:
Customer fills $10 worth and tries to leave. Struggles for a bit.

“Damn it! My car won’t start. What the hell?! I don’t need this shit this morning.”

“That’s cause your car is in Drive. That one hour time difference. It’s a doozy.”

He begins to crack up. And then proceeds to give me a $1 tip.

The moral of the story kids? Sometimes it really does pay to be an asshole….

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