October 2012

    Wednesday October 31, 2012:

So, this is what Singh and I did for 12 straight hours yesterday. Without any bit of exaggeration, it was non flippin’ stop. Oh that guy on the left? That was Rajeev Laxman Narayanan running around like a chicken without its head….

    Wednesday October 31, 2012:

Okay. I know we’re all frustrated and desperate for fuel. But, when the entrances are coned off and a handwritten sign that says NOT OPEN is taped over the off Open LED Sign, why would you pull in here and ask if we’re open? I’ve been here for an hour now and I can’t tell you how many cars I’ve had to shoo away. Kinda makes it hard to catch up on my accounting work….

Like vultures. They see one car pull in, they ALL pull in. Just had to kick out 6 cars, one of which lined up to the pump that has the NOT OPEN sign taped to it, and proceeded to wait for 5 minutes before finally driving off. See now folks? This is what happens when you insist on filling less than $15 worth when a known hurricane was going to hit….

    Tuesday October 30, 2012:

Just got home from the station. It was the most insane day of my life. We pumped out in 12 hours what I usually do in 5 days! I wish it wasn’t on these terms though. At this time, we are out of regular gas. Not sure when we will be getting a new delivery. I will post again when I get an update. I have to deal with all the damage issues tomorrow. Sorry for not posting earlier. Looks like some of you were looking for an open station. Me and Citgo were one of the only stations open in a 20 mile radius. And they ran out 2 hours before we did! Never seen anything like it. Stories to come when we get power back. Right now I need to save battery power on the cell. Night y’all….

    Monday October 29, 2012:

Folks, I can’t believe that I can be closed and not even there and STILL be able to report the various antics that have occurred thus far.

So, let’s take count shall we? Not a human being in sight. The office lights are off and the door is locked and shut. The canopy lights are off. The 2 huge signs are off. The OPEN sign is off.

Yet through surveillance, I have witnessed about 5 cars drive in and wait. An hour ago, there’s was a guy who lined up to one side of the pump, waited 2 minutes, turned around, lined up to the other side of the pump, waited another 2 minutes, and then finally accepted that we are closed.

Leave it to my $3 customers to wait until the ‘day of’ a hurricane to get their fill. Well, they are screwed ’cause the Citgo across the street is closed as well.

Gotta love it….

    Sunday October 28, 2012:

I have just officially made the executive decision to close the station tomorrow. Let’s just hope that everything has remained intact when I arrive early there Tuesday morning. Not sure how much of a “day off” I’m actually going to have though. I’m fairly confident that I’ll be nervously monitoring the place through surveillance every 10 minutes. Ahh yes. The trials and tribulations of a small business owner….

    Saturday October 27, 2012:

Dear Sandy: You flippin’ rock girl! Now, I don’t know exactly how hard you’re going to dance over the next few days, but Dear Lord do people fear you. In the 6 months I’ve taken over this station, I have NEVER seen it this insanely busy! Since Wednesday, folks have been anticipating your wrath. Now….if you can just prove to be all hype and no action, you’d make me the greatest business owner ever. Please reconsider your arrival. – Love, Rajeev.

P.S. Someone remind me to order extra propane the next time a hurricane comes around. We’re going to run out by close of business, if not sooner….

    Thursday October 25, 2012:

I always hated traffic congestion….until I got into this line of work. “Run Rajeev Run!”

    Thursday October 25, 2012:

It’s disgustingly horrific the number of mothers that pull in here smoking a cigarette with their infant child in the backseat….

    Wednesday October 24, 2012:

“Gassy Baby Daddy” By, Rajeev! Rajeev! Rajeev!

A woman with her little child in the backseat pulls in. Just as I was moving towards the driver, a guy walking by yells out “Don’t give her any gas!” Now, I thought this was just a friend of hers messing around, so I laughed all the way to the driver’s window. And then folks….it happened. It wasn’t a fun ‘lil repartee after all. The woman peaked her head out of the car and unleashed hell.

“Shut the fuck up you broke bitch! I ain’t playing witchya. You owe me money you fucken broke ass bitch!”

The guy arrogantly snarled and just kept on walking.

“Can I borrow $5 worth since that broke ass bitch hasn’t paid me?”

Rajeev: “Sorry Ma’am, but I can not do that.”

The woman drives off rather hastily, almost causing an accident.

Before I finish the story, let’s reflect shall we? So, let’s see now. Your broke ass has no money because your baby’s daddy is a broke ass. And then you want a GAS STATION (of all places) to offer you a line of credit based on those credentials?! Riiiiight….

Anyways, so an hour later she returns.

“$2.”

I flip on the hyper turbo jets and pump away. Once I replace the nozzle and turn around, I notice the cute ‘lil boy is holding a handful of change. Adorable thing. All the chaos didn’t seem to phase him one bit. So, he begins to mess with me, giving me one coin at a time. So, I started to have fun with him by counting out loud joyfully as he handed me the change. Well folks, Mother Teresa over here didn’t quite like our ‘lil game so much.

“Just give him the whole fucken thing. I ain’t playing witchya! NOW!”

Holy fucken shit, is she serious right now? THAT’S how she’s going to treat her poor innocent child?

After she speeds off for the second time, I walk in and count.

Grand total folks? $1.90.

Immediately I look around frantically wondering if Jerry Springer was secretly shooting on location….

RAJEEV! RAJEEV! RAJEEV!

    Wednesday October 24, 2012:

A Gentleman pulls in at around 6:30am.

“You know that thug son of mine that comes in here all the time with a Chrysler? Here’s 5 bucks. When he drives in later, please give him gas. That boy I tell ya. Gets on my last nerves.”

Folks, I knew exactly who he meant. That’s the kid that drips arrogance and won’t even acknowledge my presence whenever he pulls in asking for his gangsta $3 fills.

Glad to hear that his Pops also thinks he’s an idiot….

    Tuesday October 23, 2012:

LUCK: Running out of gas just as you were pulling into a gas station and having 2 incredibly sexy attendants push your car to the pump.

NO LUCK: Bald headed owner giving you the stink eye after swiping your card and informing you that you have no money in your account, which resulted in you having to call your sugar mama to call the bank to transfer money.

LUCK: Having a sugar mama….

    Tuesday October 23, 2012:

I know I’ve posted these type of shots before, but when you go to bed in the dark, wake up in the dark, commute 40 minutes in the dark, and then work almost 2 hours outside in the dark, seeing this really brightens up my mood (pun clearly intended for dramatic effect). Did it work?

    Tuesday October 23, 2012:

Customer: “I think I want $10.”

Rajeev: “I think I want to see that $10 before I think about pumping the gas. I think.”

Ohhh it’s going to be another glorious day here in beautiful South Toms River, NJ….

    Monday October 22, 2012:

‎”Singh is Kinng!” By Raj Narayanan and umm….Snoop Dogg.

Several months ago, an elderly couple pulled in desperately needing oil. Singh obliged, only to find out that they had forgotten their money. No problem. The couple seemed innocent enough. But oh how they weren’t. They never showed back up, and we were out $15.

Yesterday afternoon, an elderly couple pulls in.

“$15 please,” as the gentleman hands Singh the money.

With that Rolodex churning, he suddenly puts down the nozzle.

“Okay thank you. Have a nice day.”

Customer: “What do you mean? You didn’t give me gas yet.”

Singh: “Did you think I wouldn’t remember? Did you think coming in here with a new car would make me forget? You owe me for the oil. Do you want me to call the cops? Do you want me to call the cops?”

Customer: “Okay okay. No don’t do that.”

The elderly couple sheepishly drive away.

Sorry kids. But, sometimes one needs to slap the cotton balls out of Grandma and Grandpa….

    Monday October 22, 2012:

‎”Gas Fumes or Blonde Moment? You Decide” By Raj Narayanan.

Singh tended to a somewhat ditsy young woman yesterday. She drove in wanting her propane tank filled and $10 of gas. As Singh was dispensing propane….

Customer: “Well, I was going to get gas but you guys are way to expensive. I saw on the News that it went down 50 cents.”

Singh: “That’s not true Ma’am. We’re actually pretty cheap for this area.”

Customer: “No no. I saw it myself. 50 cents. It’s not right you guys still have this high price.”

She pays for the propane and leaves without getting fuel.

Ladies & Gentlemen, Boys & Girls of all ages: This young starlet was referring to Crude Oil going down by half a dollar. Unfortunately for her, that doesn’t equate to an automatic 50 cent reduction at the retail level. Woah Nelly….

More stories to come. And It’s not even Noon yet….

    Monday October 22, 2012:

Tales Of A Dumbass” By “Oh God It’s Only Monday” Narayanan.

Customer drives in and pulls up to me.

“Hey do you know how much it would cost to fill a little generator?”

Rajeev: “How big is it?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Rajeev: “Well, I’m sorry then I won’t be able to tell ya.”

Customer: “Can’t you just estimate?”

Rajeev: “Sorry Sir. How would I possibly be able to do that if I don’t know the size of the tank?”

Customer: “Okay. Anyways, $10 Regular please.”

Umm….riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. So hey you know how in Corporate America on mid-year and year-end reviews there’s that pesky “Development Opportunities” section? Well, since I’m my own boss, I guess I should jot down “Needs To Improve Generator Psychic Abilities.”

Dumbass….

    Monday October 22, 2012:

Oh hey kids! Did you know it’s Mettlesome Monday?! Yeah I didn’t know either until this lovely lady in her lovely car showed up. Customer asked for $10. After dispensing 5 bucks, the nozzle clicked off, and gas started pouring out of her tank from underneath the car.

Rajeev: “Miss, are you full?”

Customer: “No, the gas light is on.”

Rajeev: “Well, I’m sorry but I can’t pump anymore. Gas is spilling all over the place and I have to clean this up immediately.”

Annoyed, the customer responds: “I need gas. Just pump it.”

Rajeev: “I can’t do that. It’s just going to go everywhere. You need to have your car looked at.”

Customer: “Unbelievable. I’m never coming here again.”

Rajeev: “Please don’t. Your car is a hazard to my establishment.”

Good riddance Oh Whimsical One….

    Saturday October 20, 2012:

“Stupid Shit People Do Here” #424: THIS.

If you were a parent pushing a stroller holding your 2 infant children, would you move along right next to the flippin’ pumps?! Going by the carelessness of drivers around here, her kids could easily get hit by a car pulling up in front of her. Stupidity is not even the word to describe this ridiculousness….

    Saturday October 20, 2012:

“Box of Shame Induction Ceremony” Final Update: Payment Received.

At exactly 4:38pm yesterday, the owner of the pickup arrived at the station and handed Singh the $31. But, heeeeeeeeeeeeere’s where the story gets a bit funky.

The cop never told him about the cell phone. Before giving up the $31, this gentleman demanded that we release the phone to him. Shit, so be it. There’s barely anything on there without the SIM card anyways.

So, either the entire story one was big fat lie, or he somehow found out about it, and will now hold the phone for ransom until the new boyfriend pays him $31.

Either way, I don’t give a damn. We got our money. Let this be a lesson to all these low-life bastards: You’re not f*cking with my station anymore. Now that I’m in good with the South Toms River Police Department, Lord help the next clown who tries to cheat me….

    Friday October 19, 2012:

Dear Customer (and by customer I really mean degenerate mongoloid): It’s not my fault that your boss didn’t have any money on the corporate card and you had to use your personal credit card to complete the transaction. Kindly refrain from taking it out on your neighborly and quite handsome gas attendant. – Love, Rajeev.

When I went to give back his card, he rashly grabbed it out of my hand. When I said “Have a good day,” he responded with “Yeah whatever man.”

Folks, I was just having this discussion with Dave Brooks of Brooks Auto Repair about an hour ago. As business owners, we should be allowed to slap the shit out of nuisance customers. Now, I don’t mean a full-on physical assault. But, more like a quick left right with an open hand. It’s more to prove a point than to cause actual bodily harm.

Dear friends who I may have in high places: Please get on top of this. Many thanks….

    Friday October 19, 2012:

Every.Single.Day this 80+ year old man jogs up and down this street. Apparently he’s been doing this for more than 30 years. Truly truly amazing.

So….why can’t you get your ass get off the couch?!

    Friday October 19, 2012:

Ladies & Gentlemen, Boys & Girls, it has happened. It has finally happened. You know folks, we’ve gotten used to the $3 fillers, the $4 fillers, even the occasional $2 bozos. But, just a ‘lil while ago, a woman dressed in a business suit driving a nice Toyota Camry waltzed in and asked for….wait for it….wait for it….$1.

Someone please do the math. I’m currently selling gas at $3.57. It’s a later model Camry. Not too old. Very curious to see exactly how far $1 will get her….

    Friday October 19, 2012:

6:38am. Young kid in a nice Caddy pulls in and swipes the guardrail. Nothing overly dramatic, but a quick rub that resulted in a couple scratches.

Customer: “You know, you really shouldn’t have that there.”

Rajeev: “Yeah you’re right. It’s probably better to just hit the pump.”

Dumbass.

    Thursday October 18, 2012:

“Box of Shame Induction Ceremony” Update #2: Well, there’s an interesting twist to this story. The officer got in touch with the owner of the vehicle. Turns out that his wife just left him and it was her new boyfriend who drove into my station Tuesday night. The separation happened so recently that the pickup was still in his name. The owner had no contact info for his soon-to-be ex-wife’s new beau and it would be impossible to get that from her.

He told the officer to tell me to please not press any formal charges and that he himself will come to the station tomorrow to pay the $31 even though he wasn’t the one driving the vehicle. He doesn’t want anything on his record. Since it’s all caught on surveillance, if I did escalate this matter, it would be linked to him. I was told to call the officer back by Saturday morning if he did not honor his promise.

I kinda feel bad for this guy, but business is business. Hopefully we can lay this one to rest tomorrow. We shall see….

    Thursday October 18, 2012:

“Box of Shame Induction Ceremony” Update #1 (See story from 10/17/12): Growing very tired of being taken for a ride, I have officially filed a complaint with the South Toms River Police Department. They were more than happy to run the plates for me. Turns out it was a commercial pickup. They have put out a couple of calls to track down the driver specifically (truck was registered to the company). I told the officer that all I want is the $31 owed to me. I’m not looking to escalate this to court or anything more. The police will give me a call later this afternoon with an update. They are going to try and help me resolve this peacefully. To be continued….

    Thursday October 18, 2012:

Well hello there folks! Come on down to the Delta and Brooks Auto Repair where you can park your van for free! Umm….apparently. Neither the mechanic or I know how this mysterious van has landed in our lot. Clearly, the proud owner is not the least bit concerned of any possible grand theft auto hanky panky. Windows? Psssht. Who needs rear windows?!

    Wednesday October 17, 2012:

“Box of Shame Induction Ceremony” By One Pissed Off Brown Man.

Please rise as we welcome another disgraceful member to the Box of Shame — The “Samsung Cell Phone.” At 7:30pm last night, customer pulls in and asks for $50 worth of Diesel. Singh sets the pump, and walks in to scratch the card. No money in his account. Singh runs out and stops the pump immediately. $31. Customer promises to return in an hour with the money. He hands Singh his cell phone as collateral.

Well folks, he’s not coming back. Smart man actually. The phone was dead so I charged it up earlier this morning. I flicked it on and tried to dial out? No SIM card. The bastard took it out before giving it to Singh. He probably has another crappy phone to use.

I have to get new pumps with card readers built in ASAP. This is getting ridiculous.

Once again, I wish nothing but agonizingly painful bodily harm to this scumbag and all the others who sit here disgustingly in thee ‘ol “Box of Shame.” You degenerates don’t deserve to live.

Another step towards the Right I go….

    Wednesday October 17, 2012:

“Hot Damn I’m So Good, Ladies Come Back To Pay Me Twice!” By The Sexy Narayanan.

Customer drives in with her SUV running on fumes. When I opened the cap, a big ‘ol waft of yumminess molested my nostrils.

Woman: “$7 please.”

Rajeev: “Aww come on. She’s thirsty. She’s going to need a ‘lil more than that.”

Woman: “Nah, it’s okay.”

After the fill, I joked with her.

Rajeev: “Thank you. Have a good one. I’ll see ya in a hour.”

NOT an hour folks. But, a mere 24 minutes later, customer pulls back in.

Woman: “You were right. It didn’t get me far. $10 please.”

Racy Rajeev 1, Customer 0.

    Tuesday October 16, 2012:

“This is New Jersey, Not Fucken Alabama 1969!” – By Raj Narayanan.

Folks, shit just got very real here. It was the first time in my life that I had to step in and diffuse a racially charged confrontation.

If you have been keeping up with my daily chronicles, you will remember that there is this kid driving an old SUV with a huuuuuge Confederate Flag attached to it.

An older Black gentleman pulled in as this kid was getting his $4 fill.

“What the fuck are you doing parading that thing through a Black neighborhood?! Are you crazy? Do you know what that disgraceful flag means to a Black person?! This is New Jersey, not fucken Alabama 1969! I lived in South Carolina for a number of years. You know how many times I’ve seen that flag?! NONE! So, what the fuck are you trying to pull here?! You are going to get yourself in trouble one day. You better watch it son! Don’t come around here.”

Mr. Confederacy didn’t say a word. All he did was throw back an arrogant smile. Eventually, both parties leave. 5 minutes later, the older Black gentleman returns to the station, asks for a $10 fill, and steps out of his car.

“Listen, I’m sorry for causing a scene, but that shit offends the hell outta me. You’re American born, right? So, you know what I’m talking about. I don’t even know if that punk kid knows what he’s doing. I know it’s freedom of speech, but shit….”

Wow. 2012. New Jersey. Sad sad state of affairs….

    Tuesday October 16, 2012:

Money Management 101 Reflections: It’s 6:30am and I feel like rambling. Every other morning, a very nice customer drives in and fills $10 worth on his debit card. Now, he is well aware that he is being charged the credit price (10 cents higher per gallon). While it is none of my business how other people handle their money, I can’t help but cringe at his setup. He would get so much more bang for his buck if he would just withdraw cash from his bank’s ATM before coming in here. This has been going on for 6 months now.

I would never say anything, but I legitimately feel bad for him. He’s just throwing away money unnecessarily….

    Monday October 15, 2012:

Regular customer of mine drives in every Monday morning and fills up. He has his routine pretty down pat. 1 full tank will last him an entire week. Something must have happened though, ’cause his fill just now came out to $32. Usually it’s in the 50 range.

Rajeev: “32 Dollars?! Only 32 Dollars?! Are you cheating on me you dirty ‘lil slut?!”

Customer laughed so hard he snorted.

Ahh. I love making Monday mornings easier for people….

    Sunday October 14, 2012:

‎”The Crazy Chicka & The Collateral Kids” By ‘I Just Can’t Make This Shit Up’ Narayanan.

So, there he was. Friday afternoon. Singh and the gas pumps. I had already left for the day. Customer drives in and asks for a $40 fill. Not a problem. Singh is quite the professional. The second the nozzle clicks off, the woman discovers that she left her purse at home. Surprise surprise.

Singh: “Ma’am, please give me your cell phone so that I know you will come back.”

Customers hands it over. Upon careful examination, he concluded that the dirt on the screen of that thing was worth more than the celly itself. Clearly, it was not even worth close to the 40 dollar fill.

Singh: “Sorry Ma’am but this will not do. Why don’t you call someone and have them come with the money?”

Customer: “No one is around. I only live around the corner. Look, why don’t I leave my kids here as proof that I’ll come back and pay you?”

Singh, in the most animated startled look: “Are you serious?”

Indeed she was. Kindly feast your eyes on the photo. I kid you not (pun clearly intended for dramatic effect). The 2 adorable tikes exit the SUV and joyfully walk into the office area. The mother leaves and returns 5 minutes later with the money.

Honestly folks, when Singh told me this story and I confirmed it via surveillance footage, I didn’t know if I should laugh hysterically or call Social Services.

Umm….who the **** does this?!

    Friday October 12, 2012:

Customer asked for a fill up and it came out to $34.

Customer, in an obnoxious tone: “$34?! Are you crazy. Some stations on 37 are 6 cents below you. That’s why I never come here.”

Rajeev: “But, you’re here now Sir. And I love you for it.”

You can tell he wanted to spew a snazzy comeback, but he wasn’t as quick witted as The Rajeev. I think the hairs from his mullet were weighing him down.

Which brings me to my point. As a customer, you have the luxury to comparative shop. As the retailer, I don’t have that luxury. I have one dedicated supplier, and we’re all bound to the ever fluctuating oil market. So, kindly stop bitching when you drive in here. This is not Best Buy. We don’t have a Price Match Guarantee. Thank you….

    Friday October 12, 2012:

Well, I can tell ya one thing folks. His rims were certainly not 22s. Sooo….

    Friday October 12, 2012:

The “Samosa King” aka Dale Olander of D & D Disposal has returned! We feed him Diesel, he feeds us samosas. I think it’s an even trade. Look how happy I was when he stepped outta the truck carrying these pockets full of deliciousness….

    Friday October 12, 2012:

“Window Whispering” By Wajeev Waxman Warayanan.

Oh good morning kids! You ‘member Hooks from Policy Academy? Well, welcome to Exhibit A.

Dear Cadet Laverne and the like: I understand. It’s 6:17am. It’s 37 degrees outside. Believe me. I’d also rather be sleeping under a warm blanky right about now. I promise. I won’t engage in small talk. You can roll that sucker up all the way once you clearly tell me how much gas you desire. – Love, Lt. Harris.

Folks, this lady opened her window so little, I literally had to stick my ear to the crack in order to make out what the heck she was saying. I don’t know. I must have asked her to repeat herself 4 times.

This occurred during the summer as well, as if Mr. and Mrs. Precious would melt if 90 degree weather touched their skin for half a second.

Gas Attendant Pet Peeve #47 coming at ya in full swing….

    Thursday October 11, 2012:

Misappropriation of Funds, Example #465: This.

S-Series Mercedes AMG. Let me repeat that. S-Series Mercedes AMG. Did I mention it’s an AMG?!

Customer: “$10 Regular please.”

Don’t Pass Go. Don’t Collect $200. Game Over.

    Thursday October 11, 2012:

Flavor of The Week? Phillips 66. Huh. There’s a first. Usually I get either BP, Sunoco, or Hess. Gotta love how the independent gas retailing industry works….

    Tuesday October 9, 2012:

“A Good Life Is Not Meant For Everyone” by The Biased Brown Man.

Female customer drives up in a lovely BMW 335I and asks for $7 worth of regular. Upon filling completion….

Customer: “Stick out your hand. Here’s a couple bucks and the rest in change.”

Rajeev: “I’m sorry Ma’am, but you are going to have to count that in front of me.”

Customer, in a snotty tone: “It’s all there. What, you can’t count?!”

Rajeev: “Oh, I can. In fact, I’m actually pretty good at it. But, you see, another car pulled up that I have to tend to. Besides, if I count, who’s to say that you’re not just going to jump in your car and drive off? I’ve been burned before. This is my new rule.”

In the midst of this epic conversation, a couple of dimes escape her fingers and fall onto the ground outside. A stellar barrage of “Fuck this, fuck this place” type expletives ensued.

So, while she regroups, I tend to the front customer and set the pump for 10 bucks. I walk back to the other one as she begin counting in front of me.

The second the pump clicks off, this other woman starts honking like a rude ‘lil wench. It’s not like she didn’t see or hear me counting coins RIGHT BEHIND HER! You know what makes this 10 times worse? She’s a regular customer of mine. You would think she would treat me with a little more respect. After all, I always greet her with a smile each and every time she comes in here.

Rajeev: “Be right there Ma’am!”

So, Miss $7 Bimmerette’s grand total? $6.80.

Rajeev: “And this why I ask folks to count in front of me. You owe me 20 cents. Have a nice day.”

THE END.

    Tuesday October 9, 2012:

“Ignorant Imperiousness” By ‘Cat Scratch Jeever’ Narayanan

Smug customer drives in, sees me standing by the front pump yet parks at the back one. I swiftly wave my hand and ask him to move up. With arrogance oozing out of his car, he refuses. Shit what the F do I care? I’m not the one who’s going to be late for work! Finally, once he figures out that I’m not budging, he pulls up.

Now I ask ya folks. Was there really any reason for this nonsense?

    Tuesday October 9, 2012:

“Run Rajeev Run!” by ummm….Rajeev.

Let’s start out with a couple of warm and fuzzy tidbits before I get into despicable human behavior. These are the folks that I hope gain all the success in the world.

Customer #1: “I just want you to know that I truly appreciate your smile. You really help brighten up my morning. That’s why I come here. God Bless you.”

Customer #2: See Photo.

Rainy busy Tuesday morning. Hustling from car to car. Diesel trucker customer in the forefront hands me a dollar tip and says “Job well done man. Keep up your sense of urgency. Customers will remember that.”

    Saturday October 6, 2012:

“Candid Camera Classiness” by Rajeev “I just ate 2 lunches” Narayanan.

A regular elderly customer of mine pulls in with her son in the passenger seat. Singh is manning the pumps and tends to their $5 requested fill. Upon completion, he asks for the money. The son obnoxiously starts accusing my attendant of cheating him. He starts yelling and screaming so loudly that I come out of the office to try and diffuse the situation.

“Fuck this guy. You need to fire him. He has a major attitude problem. I had 30 dollars in my hand and now I have 20. I gave him a 10 already and you fools owe me 5 back!”

Now folks? Singh is an outstanding employee. There wasn’t even a second that I actually would believe that he would cheat a customer.

Rajeev: “Sir, I’m sorry you have been inconvenienced. If you want, we can all walk in and review the surveillance footage. Ma’am, can you please park to the side and come in?”

Rowdy Customer: “Yeah damn right we’ll review the camera. Shit. I don’t need this. I’ll go to Citgo from now on. This place fucken sucks. I’m running late as it is.”

We step inside, I log in, and I ask the guy to come around the desk.

Rajeev: “See that man? No money was ever exchanged. You owe us $5.”

Customer: “That’s bullshit. Your camera’s wrong. Oh fuck it. I gotta go. Here’s a 10. Give me 5 back. Hurry up.”

10 minutes later, he returns, in his own car this time.

“Yo fellas. I’m so sorry man. My 10 fell underneath the seat. No disrespect. My bad.”

He gives both Singh and I nice strong man hugs and leaves the station.

Now, I’d like to think that he came back on his own and wasn’t coaxed by his mother. But, either way, I commend him for admitting that he was wrong. That’s all I ask for.

A little respect goes a long way….

    Friday October 5, 2012:

So folks I was just given this dollar bill. Can’t really figure out ‘exactly’ what it says. It’s something to the effect that you should question how they got this dollar, insinuating that they were either stripping or hooking.

Now the funniest f’n part of this story? It was handed to me by an elderly grandma.

Fricken Priceless. God I love my job….

    Friday October 5, 2012:

Customer: “Can you put 3 in the car and 7 in the gas can?”

Rajeev: “Doing a ‘lil mowing today huh?”

Customer: “No. That’s just in case I run out.”

Insert Twilight Zone music here —–>

    Friday October 5, 2012:

‎”What?” By Rajeev Da Da Dumbass Narayanan

I use the phrase “I hear ya” entirely too much. In fact, I’m considering therapy. Older gentleman pulls in and we engage in a little small talk.

Customer: “Did you say that the Yankees won?”

Rajeev: “No Sir, I said How ’bout this sun?”

Customer: “Oh. I have trouble hearing.”

Rajeev: “I hear ya.”

Customer: “Well, at least one of us does.”

DOH!!!

    Friday October 5, 2012:

Dear Sir (And by Sir I mean Impatient Degenerate Mongoloid with Yellow Teeth): Gas Attendants are just like everyone else. Every now and again, we also get that sudden urge to tinkle. Trust us. We’re not particularly happy about it. The last thing we want to do is slow down productivity and hinder your $3 fill.

After reviewing the surveillance footage, you started honking like a raging hyena literally 2 seconds after you pulled in (‘Cause you know….hyenas are known for going around and tooting horns rather angrily).

In the future, kindly wait at least 20 seconds before entering conniption territory.

Love always,

Rajeev

    Thursday October 4, 2012:

“What Can Brown Do For You?” — Errrr apparently fill you up with Diesel. Come on folks. Stay with me here. It’s the dumb jokes that really help you get through the day….

    Thursday October 4, 2012:

Customer pulls in with his girl. She hands him $10. He steps out of the car. He whispers to me “Just put in 5” and pockets the other 5.

Now folks. You see that relationship right there? It’s going places….

    Thursday October 4, 2012:

Unnecessarily warm dollar bills skeeve me out. That is all. Carry on….

    Wednesday October 3, 2012:

If an attendant opened up your gas cap and inside was a hive and a bee flew out and stung him in the finger, would you tip the poor guy a dollar for his pain and suffering? I would. Unfortunately, Mr. Customer didn’t see it that way. This just happened to my employee. Thank God he’s not allergic to bees….

    Wednesday October 3, 2012:

“Q-R-S” By Rajeev Lollygagging Narayanan.

As if parking like this for no apparent reason wasn’t bad enough, this young lady attempted to steal the hose from me.

I’d like to thank the quick reflexes of Master Singh (my employee) for pulling out the nozzle just at the right moment. Hats off to you sir….

    Wednesday October 3, 2012:

My God I just don’t know how he does it. Every fricken morning I knock it down. And every fricken morning it’s back up again. Okay I surrender Sir Spidey. Let’s just coexist in harmony and make s’mores….

    Tuesday October 2, 2012:

In rather heated work situations, I like to find the comical relief to help alleviate some of the stresses.

Earlier this morning, a gentleman in a huge pickup drove in to fill air in his tires. Upon completion, he began to back up. Aaaaand never did stop….well….until he hit the kerosene pump. While it did not fall over, he did manage to dislodge it from its base. Luckily we’re just heading into kerosene season so I did not have any residual fuel in there. The tank and hose have been completely empty for months now.

I watched this from the office window like a bad horror movie in slow motion. I walk out to investigate. Naturally, I was aggravated. It took me 5 minutes to get this gentleman’s insurance info. He kept refusing to give it to me. He was rather difficult and aggressive, treating me as if “I” was the idiot who backed into it. After further investigation, it looks like we may be okay. Pump still turns on. We’ll see later on in the week if it properly dispenses. Have to schedule a delivery first.

And The Dumbass Quote of the Morning?

“You know, you shouldn’t put the pump there.”

Why I’m so sorry oh noble one. Pardon me. Perhaps after some rigorous calisthenics, I’ll just strap the 2 ton above ground tank to my back and move the whole fricken thing to a less crowded area….like your brain perhaps?

    Tuesday October 2, 2012:

If you purposely modify your ‘lil putt putt to be way louder than a diesel big rig, then it must mean 2 things. #1, you are obviously much cooler than me. #2, and most importantly, you must be like “the” model child. Clearly, you can never sneak in and out of the house or rob a bank with that thing. Not exactly the stealthiest getaway vehicle now is it?

    Monday October 1, 2012:

Customer: “$20 please. I don’t know what happened. I put in $10 yesterday and the gas light came on already.”

Rajeev: “Did you drive around a lot yesterday?

Customer: “Yeah.”

Rajeev: “Hmmm. Yeah that is strange. I don’t know.”

Ummm….wow.

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