October 2013

Thursday October 31, 2013:
For Halloween this year, I dressed up as a gas attendant. Could you imagine how mortified I was when Singh showed up with the same costume?! So embarrassing….

Wednesday October 30, 2013:
Customer asked me to fill it up. Came out to $28. She was holding a $20 bill.

“$28 please.”

“$28?! I said Regular.”

“And I gave you Regular Ma’am. We only have Regular and Diesel here, and the Diesel pump is way over there.”

The woman proceeded to stare quite angrily at the pump as if I was lying to her.

Finally, about 45 seconds later, she dove head first into her purse and managed to pull out the remaining balance.

It’s lesson time Boys & Girls!

#1. NEVER tell the attendant to fill it up unless you have a clear understanding of pricing, fuel consumption, and MPG.

#2. Just because you’re stupid, it doesn’t mean that I’m a cheater. It just means that you’re stupid.


Wednesday October 30, 2013:

Busy mornings totally rock….

Tuesday October 29, 2013:
“Do they speak English in What?” – Jules Winnfield.

*Gargle gargle gargle.*

“I’m sorry Ma’am, how much did you want?”

*Mumble mumble mumble.*

“How much?”

“$10! Dang don’t you speak English?!”

“English?! What country do you think this is? We’re in the United States of America. We speak Spanish!!”

At least her passenger got a kick out of that.

So, now the back story. Cars and trucks whizzing down the street. I have my hat on covering my ears. The woman only opened up her window a crack. And then she proceeded to tell her steering wheel how much gas she desired.

Folks, I promise you. You won’t turn into Frosty The Diabolical Snowman if you lower your window all the way. I’m the sexy brown man working out in the cold. And it’s not even that cold this morning.

So, don’t you worry. Just continue sipping on your Tarbucks coffee (’cause that’s how that shit tastes), and stop making an easy job difficult for me.

Thank you and have a nice day. And by “have a nice day” I obviously mean “Go fuck yourself.” XoXo. Kissy face, kissy face….

Friday October 25, 2013:
“I love my Autistic students.”

I couldn’t snap the pic in time, but that was the bumper sticker on the back of a customer’s car. You know folks, I just don’t understand things like this.

We’ve all seen it on Facebook. “Like if you think she’s beautiful.” And it’s a picture of a girl with Down syndrome.

Perhaps I am looking at this from the wrong angle. But, the more you single out a certain group of people, the LESS they will mold into everyday society. You want them to be treated as normal, yet you’re acting as if they are aliens.

I love my Autistic students. I love my bacon. What the hell is your point?! Much like how we voluntarily hyphenate our American identity, I believe this nonsense should also stop….

Thursday October 24, 2013:
“Yo dude you got a bathroom?”

“Sorry man it’s for customers only.”

“Nigga I am a customer.”

“Dude you’re on foot.”

“Come on man!”

Sorry, I’ll get in trouble with my boss.”

“Yeah well tell your boss that he’s a fucken asshole.”

“Oh I will don’t worry. He’s kinda funny looking too. Ugly son of a bitch.”

Monday October 21, 2013:
photo (2)

I’m guessing making a statement in this manner is as effective as obnoxious campaign signs from all candidates on one street corner….

Friday October 18, 2013:

Why? ‘Cause watching the inability of grown adults to properly pull up to the pump never gets old.

In this episode, we thank the Lord for SUVs. Otherwise, this guy would have bottomed out when he went off the curb. Cringing, Singh attempts to verbally instruct the man. Still, it took him quite some time to finally get it right. But, he finally got there.

Don’t you just love happy endings?

Thursday October 17, 2013:
Needle Didn't Move

“Even When I’m Taking a Nap Customers Manage To Piss Me Off!”

At 4:15pm I get a call from Singh. Here’s what went down.

3:49pm: A customer drives in asking for $10 of gas. Singh pumps, she pays via debit card, and she drives off.

3:52pm: 3 minutes later, she pulls back in bad out of hell. She accuses Singh of not putting gas in her tank. “My needle didn’t move, my needle didn’t move!”

Getting a bit overwhelmed, Singh calls for backup, aka Dave (the mechanic). He talks to the lively woman. He tries to explain to her that she only put in $10 worth and some cars take a little while for the needle to move, if at all. They both assured her that gas was dispensed into her car.

By this point, we had a truck pull in waiting to get Diesel. Just to shut her up, Dave out of his own pocket gives her $5 and asks Singh to pump a little more in her car. Of course, he did not have to do that.

Folks, there is nothing more frustrating that being accused of running a shoddy business. I like to sleep at night. Dave likes to sleep at night. We’re honest business men. And Singh is an honest employee.

It wouldn’t surprise me if the Division of Consumer Affairs shows up to check the calibration of my pumps. Oh don’t worry. They are certified for 2013 by the Office of Weights and Measures. But, if a complaint comes in, they have to investigate. So, I potentially may have to deal with that headache in the coming days.

The chaos always continues at the infamous Delta.

If you own your own business, you better have a set exercise schedule. Sweat out the stress. Well? It’s either that or have a mean scotch collection….

Thursday October 17, 2013:

Oh Hi Boys and Girls. Here’s a ‘lil tip from your sexy brown gas attendant:

If your van is smoking profusely and it’s coming from the engine, you may not want to pull into a GAS STATION and park near the PUMPS, with the engine still running.

Had to frantically signal the guy to move the hell up.

Ass of the dumbest proportions….

Thursday October 17, 2013:
Man, you really experience the range of humanity working a gig like this. Having just come off a dollar tip and paying it forward, I was sporting a smile. Now, I’m just bitter with society. Nothing new. It happens all the time. But, occasionally it does get under my skin.

Customer pulls in and bitches about some gunk on her windshield that won’t come off.

“Yo, you got a windshield cleaner tool I can use?”

“Yeah. I’ll do it for ya. Give me a sec. Just let me set this car.”

Folks, I’m not expecting a tip. I never do. But, I DO expect a “Thank You.” I don’t think that I’m asking for too much.

Well, I got nothing. And when I went to thank and wish HER a good day, I again got nothing. No “Thank you, you too.” Not a peep.

As you all know, I’m expecting a child at the end of February. Courtesy 101 classes from the start.

This type of behavior from a grown adult is inexcusable.

Okay, I’m done. Back to flowers and bunnies and shit….

Thursday October 17, 2013:
6:00am: Customer fills up $20 and hands me a $1 tip.

6:01am: “I’m sorry to even ask you, but my car literally just started to sputter. Im going to run out of gas in a second. Can I borrow $1 of gas? I’m really sorry. I live close by.”

Folks, I was still clasping to that dollar bill when I approached her car. It hadn’t even made its way to my back pocket yet.

Not to anger the “Pay It Forward” Gods I replied, “Sure. No problem Miss.”

My Good Deed of the Day has been completed. Go me….

Tuesday October 15, 2013:
Small talk with customer.

“Actually, I don’t listen to much music. Whatever is on the radio I guess.”

Is she mad? Who DOESN’T listen to music?! That’s almost as ludicrous as toasting your English muffin on any setting less than 9.

Bunch of savages in this town….

Tuesday October 15, 2013:
$4 - $10 Customer

“It takes two to make a thing go right. It takes two to make it outta sight.”

Now folks you might be wondering why I posted up two identical photos. Well, the truth is that they are actually two different screenshots taken 90 seconds apart. Check out the time stamps. Stay with me on this one.

7:55am: “Can I have $4 regular?”

7:57am: Customer returns. “That wasn’t enough. Put $10 more.”

I should be legally allowed to bop people in the head.

Welcome to my life Ladies and Gentlemen. Don’t be jealous….

Tuesday October 15, 2013:

“Too Tired For Class.”

A guy pulls in and parks on top of the underground storage tanks. Garage doors are closed. My office door is open. Yet, he decides to stop all the way out there. Starts honking. I ignore it. Continues to honk. I continue to play on Facebook. Hey look someone posted a bacon egg and cheese! Nice.

A full 1 1/2 minutes later, he pulls up in front. Now, we’re staring one another in the face. I can’t ignore him any longer. So, I step outside.

“Yo man someone said that one of my tires is flat. Walk around my car and tell me which one. How much is air here, like a quarter?”

“No. It’s more like a dollar. In fact, it is exactly a dollar.”

Let’s pause for a sec, shall we folks? Grown ass man. Man. As in male. No injuries. Perfectly capable of stepping out of his own car to see which tire is f’n flat. Sometimes the great residents of New Jersey take the whole “full service” thing a bit too seriously.

If only he had an Obama phone, he could have called AAA….

Monday October 14, 2013:
I just got tipped $2 from a lady who couldn’t stop raving about my impeccable facial hair trimming skills.

All the many years of ridicule. The countless hours of therapy. The cutting. The crying. The anger. The frustration.

Today, I stand proud, for being a big hairy Indian has ‘finally’ paid off….

Friday October 11, 2013:

“Sandy, eh?”

OPTIMIST INTERNATIONAL are clubs located all over the world dedicated to “Bringing Out the Best in Kids” and do their part through community service programs. Since each Club is autonomous and run by members in their community, Optimists have the unique flexibility to serve the youth of their area in any way they see fit. Optimist Clubs see a need in their community and react to it. On occasion, they extend their kindness beyond children.

6:40am. A huge RV pulls in. Already I begin to salivate. 3 gentlemen exit the beast. “Fill her up Diesel!” Full foaming of the mouth ensued.

These fine folks were from the Toronto, Canada chapter on their way back to the motherland.

They drove down to the South Toms River club to donate $20,000 towards Superstorm Sandy relief!

Although a part of them felt guilty for not giving this lump sum to their own citizens, they felt that New Jersey needed it more. We could definitely use it that’s for sure!

Pure awesomeness. Toronto Ontario Canada? We salute you….

Monday October 7, 2013:
“That Was Some Racist Shit! Literally.”

Customer pulls in for a $20 fill.

“Hey you know that fucken Indian that works for you? The other day he didn’t let me use the bathroom. He said it wasn’t working. You know I come here every so often. I really had to take a shit. You know the owner before you used to cheat his customers? They would ask for $10 and would only give them $8 worth. I like you and Dave, but you can’t trust those Indian bastards.”

Since this guy occasionally comes in the mornings, I’m going to assume it was an honest mistake. After all, how would that “fucken Indian” know that he’s a customer when he works 2nd shift?

Well hot damn. Good thing that I’m an American otherwise this could have been offensive….

Friday October 4, 2013:
Folks, would you assume that your sexy neighborhood gas attendant is also the mechanic? I mean do you pull up to the pump, ask for 10 bucks, and then watch as he runs back into the garage to continue repairing a car?!

Then why does it happen to me? I can’t tell you how many times customers would start bombarding me with technical questions. It just happened again. It actually took a good 45 seconds before I could interrupt the guy.

You know, one day I’m going to pull some “Back To The Future” shit and see how long it takes for them to pick up on it.

“So, you’re saying that you hear a high pitched screeching sound towards the front of the car? Uh huh uh huh. Well, it sounds like your flux capacitor is shot. You may need another gigawatt or two. Well, you said it’s sporadic, right? Then you probably only need 1.21. Hang on. Let me go out on a test drive. I’ll bring it up to 88 and see if I hear it myself.”

Friday October 4, 2013:
You know folks, sometimes all the wittiness in the world will still never quite prepare you for what comes out of a customer’s mouth.

6:00am. I opened up 15 minutes later this morning, so I was still doing my books when my first car pulled in. A regular customer of mine, although I hadn’t seen him in a long time.

“Hey bro, long time no see. Where you been? Sounds like you have remnants of a cold. Out sick?”

“Nah man. Took some time off. My nephew died. You know him. Drove that white Buick. Has a little kid. My sister found him hanging in her house. But, I swear he was murdered Raj, no way he would do that to himself.”

I knew exactly who he was talking about. That guy has been in here several times.

But, are you fucking kidding me with this?! What do you even say to that other than “I’m sorry?” So, that’s exactly what came out of my mouth. And then our conversation abruptly ended with several moments of awkward silence. He got his $15 of gas and drove away, leaving me absolutely speechless.

I’m sharing this experience as a lesson to us all. Life is really too short. You never know when it will be taken from you. You woke above ground today. Consider that a blessing and please act accordingly.

Holy shit it’s too early for this….

Wednesday October 2, 2013:
“You can put your weed in there.” – Rob Schneider

5:45am. A regular customer of mine pulls in for a fill. I open up his gas cap and out falls a bag of the green stuff. I contemplated on what to do. Do I take it and throw it away once he leaves? Do I put it back in the gas tank and pretend that nothing happened?

I decided to just hand it to him. “This is yours I assume?”

“What the fuck?! No, that’s not mine. Must be my fucken son! Are you kidding me?! Well, I might as well call my boss and tell him I’m going to be late. I gotta go back home now and drag someone out of bed!”

While a part of me felt bad for unknowingly ratting out his 17 year old son, I also feel that an idiot should get in trouble.

Kids, if you’re going to try and hide drugs from your parents, don’t put it inside the gas cap of your FATHER’S car!

Ass of the dumbest proportions….

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