September 2012

    Saturday September 29, 2012:

Customer: “What’s with this place? This station used to be the cheapest around. Not anymore.”

Rajeev: “Well, there’s a new owner here now Sir.”

Customer: “Yeah I know. He sucks.”

Rajeev: “He totally does. And I bet he’s ugly too.”

With a dumbfounded look on his face, he hands me $20 and drives off….

    Friday September 28, 2012:

20-Something-Year-Old Guy just drove in here and asked if I could put air in his tires ’cause he didn’t know how to do it. Are you serious? He should give in his Man Card for that diabolical display. Then again, I should prolly give in my Man Card just for using the term “Man Card.” Wow. Karma really is a bitch, isn’t it?!

    Friday September 28, 2012:

Woman hops across from the 7-Eleven just as I was raising my prices. Cops me an attitude.

Customer: “Oh what the hell?! It was 3 cents cheaper when I walked into the 7-Eleven. You know, you shouldn’t be allow to do that!”

Hmmm. I should be allowed to do what? Run my business the way I see fit without first consulting you? Why I’m so sorry Ma’am. Next time, I’ll be sure to give you a courtesy call before making any executive decisions. In fact, how ’bout I give you a free tank of gas as like a remittance for my grotesque behavior? No No wait. Let’s just hook up your car directly to the tanker truck the next time I get a delivery. Yeah!

Okay I’m done….

    Friday September 28, 2012:

“Mirror Rear View Vehicular Raunchy Miasma ” by Jeever “Jeevestock 95” Narayanan

The etiquette behind ATM withdrawals and getting fuel is essentially one in the same. When your transaction (money/gas) has completed, kindly put your car in drive and move up a handful of feet. THEN do what you got to do before ultimately leaving the lot.

This kind woman sat there very patiently waiting for this gentlemen to pull away. A minute or so later, I told her to just creep up a little more and I can take her at the back pump.

For those of you guilty of doing this at Mac machines or gas stations, please take note. Thank you.

    Thursday September 27, 2012:

I think I’m going to put up a sign here. What do you think of this?

“Kindly refrain from taking out your financial frustrations on your neighborly gas attendant. It’s all Bush’s fault!”

Yes? No? Maybe?

    Thursday September 27, 2012:

“Pick a pump, any pump!” So folks. In addition to the book that I’m going to pen, I think I will need to create a photo album to go along with my literary release.

Can I enter this pic as Exhibit A? Since it was 5:45am and no one else was around, I let it go. But, seriously. Who parks like this taking up BOTH pumps?!

    Wednesday September 26, 2012:

Dear Oil Speculators: F! U! Crude drops significantly, yet you decide to ‘pretend’ that we have a supply issue all of a sudden. Thanks for screwing me. #smallgasstationownerproblems

The oil market closed lower than what it opened at. YET, the price for my morning delivery tomorrow went UP 14 cents per gallon as compared if I had bought a truckload yesterday when crude was higher! 14 cents! Does that make any sense to you?! How is a new small business owner like me suppose to “play the market” when there’s no valid indicators to follow? Completely frustrating knowing that for the next one week, I’m barely going to cover my overhead “Supply issues, Iran threats, disappointments in Europe, demonstrations in Greece…” That’s the BS I was fed.

Attention friends: Don’t slam your local gas attendant when prices zonk up. It truly isn’t their fault. They are just trying to earn a paycheck…just like you….

    Wednesday September 26, 2012:

“Debit Me? No no. Debit you!” By Narayanan Laxman Rajeev.

As if parking like this for no apparent reason wasn’t bad enough….

Customer: “Can I use my debit card as cash?”

Rajeev: “No Ma’am I’m sorry. We don’t have that kind of capability just yet. I will have to charge you the credit price.”

Customer launches the biggest disgusted face I have ever seen on a woman.
“Ugh. $10 then. No $20. No $10. No make it $20.”

I set the car. I go in and scratch her card. Transaction complete.

Rajeev: “Have a nice day Ma’am.”

Customer: “Yeah whatever pal.”

Okay. First of all, we’re talking about a 0.14 gallon difference here. Second of all, she had every right to just drive away. She CHOSE to stay here and get gas.

Yet another example of why I believe that philanthropy should be a choice, and not an obligation….

    Wednesday September 26, 2012:

I’m pretty convinced that I can convert at least 2.7% of the most bleeding heart liberals into dignified conservatives just by spending one full day with me here. You’ll think twice about making folks blindly help others who clearly don’t deserve it.

All before the 7:00am hour, I had a regular irresponsible customer of mine for the 90th time drive in here, and then discover ‘after’ I filled $15 worth that he had no cash in his wallet. This time I demanded his license. Let’s see if he shows back up.

And then I had a regular arrogant thug customer of mine mumble “$10” to his windshield instead of turning his head and looking at me. I had to ask him 3 times to repeat himself because I couldn’t hear him, especially with big rigs flying down the road. Apparently that pissed him off and he finally did turn his head and yelled “$10” to my face with his disgusting breath of his.

Serenity now!

    Tuesday September 25, 2012:

Whaaaat? You don’t baby your antifreeze? I know I do. I whisper it sweet nothings every morning….

    Tuesday September 25, 2012:

Oh hey folks! So, you remember when Cosby had that show “Kids Say the Darndest Things?” Well, I think I’m going to start my own version – “Customers Say the Darndest Things.”

Entry #1: “$3 worth please. And can you make it quick? I’m really in a hurry.”

Hmmm. Folks, in all seriousness, I really don’t think it’s physically possible to make a $3 fill go slow. To be continued….

    Tuesday September 25, 2012:

“Caffeinated Chuckles” By The Laxman, Raj Narayanan

Customer: “Man, this is ridiculous. Gas prices keeps going up. Goes down a few cents for like a couple days and we’re suppose to be happy?! It’s just going to go up again! The trend is always up!”

Rajeev: “Well, look on the bright side. The higher the prices go, the faster it takes to get your $20 worth. So, you’ll be in and out of here quicker. In fact, you should be thanking ME for getting you to work on time.”

2 seconds of uncomfortable silence goes by. Then customer starts laughing so hard that he literally spilled some coffee on his lap.

Can I get sued for that? No really can I? Is it humanly possible to be accused of aiding and abetting Cup of Joe Burns through Voluntary Induced Snickering?

Wait what?

    Monday September 24, 2012:

“Littering Lunacy” By Rajeev Laxman Narayanan.

A woman and her friend pull in for a fill. And by fill I mean $4. After an ever-so-healthy breakfast, the passenger launches her McDonalds wrapper right out the window, right in front of me. Balls. Some set of balls on this one.

Rajeev: “You just threw garbage on the ground.”

Woman: “So?”

Rajeev: “So, do you not see the 4 highly visible garbage cans in this parking lot?!”

The woman didn’t respond.

Rajeev: “Respect. Look up the definition on your Smart Phone. Have a good day.”

“All men are created equal?” Eh….

    Monday September 24, 2012:

Customer drives in recklessly (on 4 donuts mind you), high as a kite, smoking a Newport, a mound of empty cigarette boxes on his backseat, and mumbles “$2.” And we’re suppose to help pay for THIS GUY’s healthcare? Riiiiight….

    Saturday September 22, 2012:

Dear Overweight Women: Piece of advice for ya. Don’t ever respond to a statement with “What the hell do I look like hamburger meat?!” Now see I’m a nice guy, and I would never make a comment about your physique. You are, however, a rude wench and I pray that you don’t run into a barbaric individual who will in fact make fun of you.

And now folks, the story: My nose is deep in accounting work this afternoon. My employee is manning the pumps. Customer fills her car and pulls off to the side. I did not see all this. She starts slamming on the window which is literally 3 feet from my right ear. Scared the shit out of me.

Customer, in a brutish manner: “Open the bathroom door!”

Rajeev: “Sorry it’s for customers only.”

Customer: “What the hell do I look like, hamburger meat?! I am a customer!”

I look up at my employee and he gives me the thumbs up.

Rajeev: “Sorry ma’am, I didn’t see you. I’ve been in here. I’ll open it up for ya.”

People behave rather ridiculously when their bladder is full….

    Friday September 21, 2012:

Customer: “Give me $8.”
Rajeev: “Only if you give me gas.”

The guy looked like a flippin’ deer in headlights. Went completely over his head. I don’t know….I thought it was a mildly humorous reply to an obviously rude way to ask for fuel….

    Friday September 21, 2012:

‎”Hey did you hear? New Jersey is winning all kinds of awards. Camden is ranked one of the poorest cities in the US. Something like 47% of the population lives in poverty. Yet we are constantly sticking our noses in everyone else’s affairs. We need to bring all troops back home and work on this country. The president has lost control. Now Saddam? He had control of his country. People learned to accept his order. It was their way of life….”

Hmm. Interesting viewpoint. Even more interesting that he would just throw this all out there to a random gas attendant at 6:37 in the morning….

    Thursday September 20, 2012:

Forget the elderly. I think women in general need to retake the road test every few years. Young lady pulls up and turns her car off while still in Drive. “$5 dollaaaaars pleeeeaaaase.” Why does it sound like that? Well ’cause her car started to roll back as she was talking to me. I wait 10 seconds. Stupid me for making assumptions. “Miss, can you move up please?” — “Why?” — “Cause you rolled backed and now the hose won’t reach your tank.” Customer then proceeds to try and start her car while still in Drive. “Miss, you have to put your car in Park first.”

And you bleeding hearts think all people are created equal? Bwhahahaha….

    Wednesday September 19, 2012:

So the other day where the winds were insane, this whole widget contraption left the 7-Eleven and proceeded to pay the sexy boys at the Delta Gas Station a visit. And here’s me being a good neighbor and returning the pet to its rightful owner. Didn’t even know there was a photo of this until Dave texted it to me just now….

    Wednesday September 19, 2012:

The SUV on the right approaches the exit first and turns on her left signal. As if she’s driving with her eyes closed, woman in the car pulls beside her and turns on her left signal. Ummm. Riiiiiiiight. Lucky for all of us that there wasn’t an accident. But, it was most certainly waiting to happen….

    Wednesday September 19, 2012:

Ignoramus Story of The Day: Woman drives in, swings around the pump, yells out “Oh forget this. Your credit price is too high!” and leaves. She then pulls into the Citgo across the way whose credit price is 3 cents HIGHER than mine. In the words of the very illustrious Carlos Mencia, “Dee Dee Dee!”

    Wednesday September 19, 2012:

Dear Lady: While your SUV is big and white and noticeable, it’s proooooobably not a good idea to BLOCK AN ENTIRE LANE as you wait to turn. Lucky for you, the almighty big rig honked profusely forcing you to back up. Life. It’s a good thing. Please stay with us for a little longer. – Love, Rajeev.

    Tuesday September 18, 2012:

As The Junior Bathroom Nazi, I find it deplorable when non-customers lie at great lengths just to use the facilities (My employee is the Head Bathroom Nazi. He’s way worse than me in regulating water closet usage). Actually, deplorable is completely the wrong word. “Extremely comical” is a better way to put it.

Gentleman pulls in, parks on the side, and walks towards the pumps.

“I really need to use the bathroom.”

Rajeev: “Sorry sir, it’s for customers only.”

Gentleman: “Come on. I fill up here all the time.”

Rajeev: “No you don’t.”

Gentleman: “Yes I do. I know the old man that works here.”

Rajeev: “No you don’t.”

Gentleman: “How would you know?!”

Rajeev: “Cause there’s no old man working here. I’m the owner. I would know.”

Gentleman: “Come on. I’ll fill up.”

Rajeev: “Right now?”

Gentleman: “No, when I’m on empty.”

Rajeev: “No you won’t.”

Gentleman: “Please?!!!!”

Rajeev: “With sugar on top?”

And before you bleeding hearts come screaming at me, I did finally let him use the restroom. The old rundown one of course. The newly renovated bathroom is for employees and customers only. We’ve learned the hard way not to trust non-customers with the nice resting hole.

Aaaand on that note, time to take umm a “professional” break….

    Tuesday September 18, 2012:

Rajeev to Customer: “Miss, you don’t have $15 in your account.”

Customer: “Yes, I do.”

Rajeev: “No Miss you don’t. Here’s the credit card slip to prove it.”

Customer: “It’s wrong. I have $15 in there.”

Rajeev: “Would you like to step inside and take it up with my credit card machine? I’m sure he’ll be more than happy to reject you personally. He’s quite sociable you know.”

Customer hands me her license and treks home to grab some cash.

Rajeev Laxman Narayanan: Gas Attendant, Account Balance Analyst, and Certified Sarcastic Buffoon Extraordinaire at your service….

    Tuesday September 18, 2012:

Paranoia: Washing your hands 3 times in the last 10 minutes after a customer, who is coughing profusely, hands you his credit card and says “$10 please. Damn man this sucks. I have step throat and I still have to go to work!” Dear Antibacterial Soap: Don’t fail me now snookems. – Love, Rajeev.

    Saturday September 15, 2012:

Dear Out-Of-Stater: While I commend you for pulling over to smoke a cigarette since your little pooch is sitting cutely inside, lighting up and leaning against the kerosene pump is probably not the brightest of ideas. I should not have had to ask you to please move away.

Okay. Quit playing. Who put up a “Common Sense Optional” sign at my entrances?

    Friday September 14, 2012:

Normally, my fuel deliveries come during the overnight or during 2nd shift. In fact, the last time I was here for one was probably on my first day on the job. I swear I just turned into a little kid who was handed the latest Matchbox car. I’m sorry. But, big ‘ol tanker trucks will always continue to fascinate me….

    Friday September 14, 2012:

Customer pulls in his luxurious German car and asks for a fill up. We start engaging in a ‘lil small talk. In 10 seconds flat, he managed to steer the conversation into the political realm. And then….umm….it started.

“We have to get that n*gger out of office. He’s ruining this country. That f’n n*gger. He’s one of the them.” This went on for quite some time (He was on empty).

Ah wow? Now, what if I was a hardcore Obama lover? It never seizes to amaze me how candid people will get with total strangers….

    Friday September 14, 2012:

Holy crap, how long was I sleeping on the job? When did my station move south of the Mason Dixon?!

    Friday September 14, 2012:

Customer pulls in and parks at the front pump.

Rajeev: “Can you please move up Miss?”

Customer sighs. “Does it matter?!”

Rajeev: “Well actually Miss it does. #1, my gas delivery hasn’t arrived yet and I’d like to balance out the tanks to prevent any one tank from running low. #2, if another customer drives in, it will be a logistical nightmare getting around you. It would be easiest if they could just pull up behind you. So, please move up and let me know what I can get ya.”

I’m convinced that there are folks out there who actively look for reasons to get pissed off and offended…

    Wednesday September 12, 2012:

Now that I’m a full-time gas attendant, it’s thoroughly entertaining to read the commentary whenever our local news station posts a gas-related story on Facebook. So, let’s see now….

1. Damn it. I guess I need to get with my thug customers and get trained.

2. Obviously the government is turning the other cheek as the ‘entire’ Hess Corporation puts water in their tanks.

3. First of all, no you’re not. Second of all, I guess you didn’t know that buses run on fuel and the price of your ticket is reflective of that?

To be continued….

    Tuesday September 11, 2012:

Remember the gentleman who owed me $20 and despite my efforts never got paid? (If you weren’t following this ongoing saga, kindly take a few moments and read the fairly lengthy post from July 4th first to come up to speed).

I haven’t seen or heard from this guy since my July 4th post. At 7:50 this morning, he rolls in with his SUV and a gas can. “Hey Raj. Here’s $10. Can you fill this? My daughter ran out of gas.” I didn’t say a word. But, we locked eyes and I gave him that “Well?” kinda look. I’ve already cut this at a loss, so I didn’t have the strength to bring it up yet again. But, the audacity of this guy to stroll in here pretending that nothing crooked ever happened.

It’s disappointing that this man gets sleep at night. My conscious wouldn’t allow me to….

    Tuesday September 11, 2012:

Customer: “$20. Normally I don’t ever come here, but the Citgo over there is way way more expensive this morning. So, I had to make an exception. This place is horrible. Old and run down.”

Rajeev: “It’s all good. Normally I don’t ever deal with rude customers, but the Citgo over there is way way more expensive this morning. So, I had to make an exception.”

Rajeev – 1. Customer – 0. Rajeev’s Chance at a Repeat Customer: -5.

Rajeev’s Satisfaction Level? +10,000.

    Monday September 10, 2012:

At some point Saturday morning, a customer came in and taped a green flyer of her house cleaning business onto my pump. When I got in, I immediately took it down. Much like how I handle my Facebook page, NO ONE gets free advertising space on my domain unless prior authorization is granted.

This same customer returned yesterday (on my day off) and apparently threw out colorful words at my employee. For 5 minutes, she flared her arms accusing this station of putting water in her gas tank. If she had even an ounce of intelligence, she would know that her car wouldn’t be operating normally if we had done so. Threatening to call the “authorities,” my employee told her that she’s more than welcome to bring whoever she wants to the station for a full evaluation.

Unfortunately for her, I run a completely honest business.

You gotta love human behavior….

    Monday September 10, 2012:

80s Camaros are considered Historic?! How old am I?!

    Monday September 10, 2012:

Why didn’t anyone tell me to check the forecast this morning? Damn. Fleece and skully season has arrived….well, at least for the early morning hours….

    Saturday September 8, 2012:

For those of you who remember, a gentleman came in on August 18th asking how much it would cost to fill up his 30 gallon propane tank. Well, apparently this same gentleman came back earlier this morning asking about the same exact thing. And like I told the gentleman, my attendant also said that we would charge him by the gallon.

Slightly Potential Customer: “Per gallon? But, your sign clearly says $18.”

Attendant: “Sir, that’s for grill-size tanks, which are 5 gallons.”

Slightly Delusional Customer: “Oh forget it. Why did I even come here?”

Why did you come here sir? Well, that’s easy. I can tell you that. You thought that you could come in when I’m not around and try and pull a fast one with my attendant since he speaks with an accent. Unfortunately for you, my employee is schooled in Asshole. You have a nice day now, you hear?

    Saturday September 8, 2012:

Dear Lady: It’s not false advertising if we’re in the middle of a price change as you pull in. There’s only 2 of us working here. One is on the ladder, the other one is dealing with your ridiculousness. Please forgive us for not hiring a whole buncha Oompa Loompas to get the job done quicker. – Love, Rajeev.

    Friday September 7, 2012:

Oh hey kids! I want you to meet my friend Spidey. He’s the gentleman who greets me every single morning as I move between the pumps. Well, today I almost ate him. Let this be a warning to y’all. Never yawn and walk at the same time. It could lead to a completely unnecessary protein boost….

    Thursday September 6, 2012:

One thing I’ve learned from being in this business for 5 months now: You can’t get too hung up on the daily. This is an extremely fickle-minded and fast moving industry. One day I’m totally spent from running around the pumps non-stop. The next day the power goes out and I lost hours upon hours of revenue on top of paying hundreds for repairs. Another time a station a couple miles down the road drops their price so low that you’re literally fumbling around the lot trying to keep yourself occupied. It is what it is. I have to learn to remain calm and collected, and just sort through all the issues methodically. So far I think I’m doing pretty well. Writing truly keeps me sane.

And on that note….insert “The Facts of Life” theme song here –>

    Thursday September 6, 2012:

Today is “National I’m Going To Piss You Off Day.” Well, at least for me. Of all days that lightning had to blow out my credit card machine, did it have to be the evening before the first day of school?! Folks are in a mad rush this morning. No one wants to wait while I call in their credit card transaction. The look of anger and frustration on these customers? Priceless. Of course it would be nice if they realize that this is equally as stressful for me. I’m turning away extremely vital revenue here. I’ll be very happy when this day ends, hopefully with a new credit card machine in place….

    Wednesday September 5, 2012:

After almost 2 hours of phone calls, emails, text messages, and several hundred dollars in unfortunate out-of-pocket expenses, I think we fully assessed the situation.

The good news is that the pumps are still working. However, the credit card machine is fried. Having a new one come in by 11am tomorrow morning. Looks like my surveillance cameras are shot as well. It’s not powering up. But, it could also be that outlet. Having a tech come in at 10am tomorrow to assess that and a couple computers that are not currently working. Hopefully it’s just a fuse thing.

So, we’re a cash-only business for now. On the bright side, no one can currently try and cheat me!

Debated on making another 70 mile round trip voyage to the station, but realized that there’s really nothing that can be done since it’s late in the day. Instead, I just went for a run to clear my head a little.

Going to go shower now, and then pour me a nice brown adult beverage. I’ll deal with everything first hand when I arrive at the station at 5:30am tomorrow.

Ahh. The trials and tribulations of owning your own business….

    Wednesday September 5, 2012:

Dear Lightning Bolt: Did you really have to hit my station and fry certain things ‘after’ I get home?! I’m sorry. But, Rajeev can’t come to the phone right now. He’s currently losing his mind in his bedroom calling various technicians and his employee. Holy Hell. Is it scotch time yet?!

    Wednesday September 5, 2012:

“Eulogy For My Ubiquitous Digital Device.” By Rajeev ‘You’re A Crazy Desi’ Narayanan.

Oh sweet number thingy, you and I have been inseparable for 12 years now. Our journey began in the year 2000. We were so young then. ‘Member how we met? ‘Member? It was my first day at Nabisco. I was a young hot-headed stupid child fresh outta college. Upon entering my newly assigned cubicle, we locked eyes. It was love at first sight. Your buttons were so big and soft. I knew right then and there that we would be together for a long time.

When Nabisco (now under the Kraft Foods umbrella) threw me out 7 years later, I hastily packed up my cubicle and threw you into a box. From there you followed me to L’Oreal USA where you once again showed your enthusiasm for arithmetic. It was a fun year, but the French were growing tired of me. So they also shoved their foot up my rear.

For the next 4 years, I touched you at home where you gave my personal finances just the right amount of accuracy to prevent any negative balances.

And when I dove headfirst into the world of gastric gas pumping and you helped me with all my debits and credits, it was like we renewed our vows.

Unfortunately, no more than 24 hours ago, my employee discovered that you have passed. I tried to revive you this morning, but my efforts were rendered futile. You are no longer operable and I must move on now. But, thank you for the last 12 years. I will never forget you.

Dear Tim: Ummm….sorry for kidnapping the calculator that you provided for me. But, in my defense….you hired a mad man.

Love, Rajeev.

    Wednesday September 5, 2012:

Customer asks me to help him move something off the back of his pickup. I graciously said yes. Sucker was heavy as hell. I ain’t gonna lie. I worked it out, but apparently I looked a bit flustered.

Customer: “You’ve spent most of your years in corporate, haven’t you?”
Rajeev: “Ehhh Yeah.”

Customer: 1. Rajeev: 0. Rajeev’s self-esteem? -5,000.

    Wednesday September 5, 2012:

Customer: “What you eatin?”
Rajeev: “Honey Bunches of Oats.”
Customer: “Ew, while pumping? It’s going to taste like gas!”

This coming from a woman who’s smoking a cigar in her car while eating a egg and cheese bagel….

    Wednesday September 5, 2012:

For folks older than me and for females, I always greet them with a Sir or Ma’am. All others I rotate between Man, Dude, and Bro. It’s getting kinda blasé though. I think I need to add another word to the repertoire. Hmmm….

    Wednesday September 5, 2012:

Dear School Bus Driver: Shame on you for using this station as a cut through when there is a perfectly fine access road no more than 10 feet to your left. You are setting a very bad example. Knock it off. It’s dangerous. – Love, Rajeev.

    Monday September 3, 2012:

“The Calm Before The Storm.” Oh Garden State Parkway, you looks so beautiful in your deep sleep. Barely anyone around. Gazing at you from the station office, I can’t help but fear what you will look like when you wake up. As you know by now, I work 1st shift. So, I hope you OD’d on NyQuil and will remain incapacitated ’til at least 2pm. I’ll be your bestest friend ever. Love you. XoXoXo

    Saturday September 1, 2012:

Well alright alright! Nice to see a couple of my cousins stop in to say what’s up!

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