September 2013

Monday September 30, 2013:
Young kid recklessly pulls in here.

“Yo dude you got a bathroom?”


“So, how do you piss then?”

“I’m wearing a diaper.”

“Fuck you.”

“Have a nice day.”

Fun times….

Friday September 27, 2013:
“So, where are you from?”


“I mean where are you from originally?”


“No, I mean where were you born?”

“Ooooooh. New Brunswick, NJ.”

Puzzled, the customer gives me an awkward smile and drives off.

Fun times….

Friday September 27, 2013:

“Oh God Why?! Stop it Already.”

Folks, Logistics is my middle name. Well, actually it’s Laxman. But, I did get my Bachelors in it, which means I know a thing or two. And by “thing” I actually mean “not a whole lot.” But, I do know what a logistical nightmare looks like. And it all starts from this type of unacceptable behavior.

What goes through your brain when you pull up to the back pump? No, I mean seriously. Give me one coherent reason for doing this.

#1. It makes it awkward for a car to pull up in front of you.
#2. If a car pulls up in front ‘and’ in back, you’re now sandwiched in.

A little less chipmunk, and a little more human please….

Tuesday September 24, 2013:

Top 10 Uses For a Surveillance Camera, #7: Finding the jacket that you’ve been searching for all afternoon….

Tuesday September 24, 2013:
Price Change2

And now Boys and Girls it’s time for another edition of?

“Obvious Things That Broke People Say.”

5:40am. Dropping my price. Ladder in tow. Guy yells out from the 7-Eleven.

“You should get digital signs so you don’t have to climb that thing in this cold!”

Why thank you kind Sir. I hope you do enjoy that Coke Big Gulp at this hour….

Friday September 20, 2013:

Either this guy has ants in his pants, or this is a new EDM dance that I don’t know about. Interesting way to throw out a piece of garbage.

What else goofy can happen today?! We’re on a roll folks….

Friday September 20, 2013:
$15 begging

“Begging is an Art Form, and Some are Just Clumsy Painters.”

8:10am. A truck pulls in to drop off a transmission for Dave. I turn around after finishing off with a customer and 2 folks are waiting. One of them asked me what time my boss comes in. So, I say 8:30am. Figured that Dave needs to give them a check or something.

Dave arrives and settles up. But, then this one guy stays behind. Interesting. By now it’s 8:40am. A full half hour since he first walked in here.

“My sister is in the hospital and I need money for a taxi. You’ve worked on my friends’ cars before. Can I borrow $15?”

“Well, I’ll give you a ride to the hospital. Just give me a minute.”

“No, I don’t need a ride. Just $15.”

“Sorry man I can’t help ya. You said you needed to get to the hospital and you turned down my offer.”

Immediately, he walks into my office. Dave is giving me the No hand gestures behind him.

“You know my sister? The one in the Suburban? She comes here all the time. Can I borrow $15?”

“Sorry dude, I don’t have the money.”

He goes across the street and some schelp winds up giving him money. Next thing I know he’s walking out of the 7-Eleven smoking a cigarette.

Kind People Beware: If a guy says that he is hungry, offer him food. If a guy needs transportation, buy him a taxi ride. But, never ever give money blindly. It will be used for alcohol, tobacco, drugs, or gambling.

Never a dull moment here at the infamous Delta….

Friday September 20, 2013:

Ahh yes. Another thumpity Thumper. He handed it to me with this page open. So, here’s today lesson boys and girls.

To quote my new friend, “We’re going around businesses because we feel that you may be wondering if God is to blame for all the stuff that has been happening here lately.”

Actually, I already have a real deep religious philosophy on natural disasters. It’s called “Shit Happens.”

Friday September 20, 2013:
“Would you stop tipping if….”

Folks, I go to great lengths to hide the fact that I’m the owner. I learned early on that customers will conjure up false assumptions. They will think that I’m rolling in the money and that I send it all “back home.” Well, technically I do. It goes from Ocean County to Monmouth County. But, let me not digress.

For a few months now, I’ve developed a nice rapport with this one gentleman. He always sees me hustle between cars and our conversations are quite pleasant. The other day he asked me if I had any other aspirations aside from pumping gas. So, I let my guard down. And told him my backstory.

Ever since then, the dollar has ended. We still have great talks, but no more tips.

Would you guys do that? If you still get exceptional service, regardless of one’s financial situation, shouldn’t a person get the same reward?

Interesting dynamic….

Tuesday September 17, 2013:
“Karma Really is a Bitch, Huh?”

Folks, sometimes we have mechanical issues. These pumps are from the mid 80s. If they are all running at the same time, occasionally one will run a bit over. It’s not our fault. It’s not the customer’s fault. Shit just happens.

Yesterday, a guy came in asking for $20 worth. The pump accidentally went to $23. Singh politely asked him if he can pay $3 more.

“Fuck you. Fuck that. It’s your fault. Hell nah.”

Meanwhile, we visibly saw money in his wallet.

So okay fine. We ate the 300 cents.

Just a little while ago, the same dude pulls in.

“Bro, I’m really in a bind. Can you please spot me $20 of gas ’til tomorrow?”

Brilliantly, Singh replies “You wouldn’t do me a favor and pay me $3 more yesterday. Why should I trust you to come back and pay? Sorry. Go to Citgo.”

Singh 1, Customer 0.

The smile on my face watching Singh politely tell him off? +1,000.

Monday September 16, 2013:
photo (1)

Aaaand then humanity is restored when we find out that good folks still exist.

Singh loves listening to music through his cell phone. Observing this, a customer stopped in and gave us a gift. A Proscan 2.1 Speaker System. Free of charge.

This gadget sounds awesome. But, the act of kindness sounds even more amazing….

Monday September 16, 2013:

10:23am. A young lady and her boyfriend pull in and ask for $10 on her card. Fuel dispensed. Card declined. Same ‘ol story.

“I promise I will be back around 2pm to pay. I come here all the time.”

“I appreciate your business Miss, but I can’t let you go. I’ll need something as collateral so that I know for sure that you will be back. Your Driver’s License, your cell phone, something of significance to you. Or you can just call someone who is nearby who can bring $10 here.”

Some time would pass. During what seemed like an eternity, she begged me to let her go, she rummaged through her purse a bunch of times, and she stared into space for tens of seconds. She also made a couple of phone calls and sent a text or two.

While this was going on, her boyfriend got out and began to scan the road and nearby businesses. My guess is that he was looking for someone they knew.

10:35am. A full 12 minutes had passed. Out of nowhere, her boyfriend opens up his wallet, sighs, and hands me $20. He had money the whole flippin’ time.

You see folks? You see that relationship right there? It’s going places….

Monday September 16, 2013:

Donate your clothes, your shoes, and umm the tops of your tables. Why are people so ridiculous?

Friday September 13, 2013:

How To Effective Exit a Gas Station:

Step #1: Sure there are three 3-car-wide clearly marked exits, but only losers and serial killers use those. REAL women hop the curb and bottom out.

Step #2: Hang out in the middle of the street for a while. Far too many of us rush through life without ever stopping to smell the roses. So, take a look around. Enjoy the scenery. Make a wish. Make kissy faces at the sun.

Step #3: Only when you hear sirens and a cop car is thwarting towards you should you finally move.

If you listen to me, you’ll be the coolest kid in class. Trust me. I’m brown….

Friday September 13, 2013:
“$20 regular on my card. But, you may want to run it first. My wife’s a lying dirty whore and I’m not sure if there’s enough in the account.”

Soooo, let me make sure I have this right. ‘That’ marriage is okay, but we’re still hung up when 2 people of the same sex want to be in wedlock? Good one America. You’re so funny….

Thursday September 12, 2013:

“Hurry Up, I’m Stupid….I Mean Stupidly Late!”

Okay, I’m just going to throw this out there. Most Hondas have the gas tank on the driver’s side. In fact I’ll say from ’95 onwards, they all do. You may want to write that down….ladies.

Customer pulls up to the wrong side. After realizing that, she drives off the lot in an attempt to correct herself. So, what does she do? THE EXACT SAME THING!

If the gas tank was on the left side the first time, I don’t see why it would magically shift over the second time. But, then again, what the hell do I know? I prefer my Frosted Flakes unfrosted.

Finally, she swings the right way and I approach her window.

“Hurry up, I’m late! $20. No $10. No $15. Yeah. $15.”

The moral of the story kids? “Thinking” should never be rushed. You’ll just wind up arriving at your destination even later. And you’ll also wind up on my blog being made fun of. To be honest, I don’t know which one is worse….

Tuesday September 10, 2013:
“Squeeze as much as you can in there. I have to drive all the way to fucken Long Island.”

“That sucks. For work?”

“Nah, I have to go pick up my race horses.”

I think this is seriously THE best First World Problem I have ever heard….

Thursday September 5, 2013:

“I weep for the future.” – Maitre D’ – Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

Shortly before 7:00am, a young girl pulls up and asks for $10 on her card. I set the pump and walk in to swipe. Declined.

“You have no money in your account Miss. You owe me $10.”

She goes fumbling through that black hole. I believe you ladies call it a “purse.”

“Well, I live close by I’ll be right back.”

“You’re not leaving the premises until I get paid. Or give me your phone so that I know you’re coming back.”

Now she kicks up bitch mode into high gear.

“I’m not giving you my phone. I’m coming right back.”

She puts her car in drive and inches forward. So, I also turn up my bitch mode.

“Listen, you see that up there? You’re on camera. You drive away I call the cops. Your choice. I’m not going to go through your phone. Put a lock on it. Or call somebody.”

“No one is going to answer or come.”

“You have friends. You have family. It’s nothing personal. This is a business. You don’t walk into a CVS and go I’ll be right back with the money!”

“Oh it’s personal. I’m never coming here again.”

Finally, she gets on the phone and very sobbingly tells her “Nan” that she thought she had money on her card and needs help. I can hear her through the phone. She’s not very happy. 10 minutes later Grandma arrives to pay me.

“Good morning Ma’am. Thank you for the money.”

“No no. Thank you.”

She doesn’t even acknowledge her granddaughter’s presence. She just gets back in her car and drives off. F’n priceless….

Tuesday September 3, 2013:
Human Collateral

Customer gets $20 worth and attempts to pay with his card. No funds.

“You have no money in your account Sir. Call somebody.”

“I will be right back. Here you can hold my card.”

“Why would I want that?! You have no money in that account!”

“Well, I need my license to drive, so what else can I give you?”

“Your son.”

“My what?!”

“Your son.”

20 minutes later, he returns with the money.

The Human Collateral. Sometimes I really crack myself up….

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